SP: This town is messed up
by Anonymous Fanz
Summary: South Park, from a different perspective. We meet Jack Henderson, an antisocial, cynical, and incredibly pessimistic kid who is often dragged into crazy scenarios by his sister Ellie, who's also the one person that remembers Kenny's deaths. Well, some of the time... Accepting OCs. See my profile for Submission sheet.
1. Stange Visitors

**I created this character a long time ago, and forgot about him for some time. Out of boredom, I have decided to work on his story. I don't own South Park, I only own the Henderson's.**

...

Shortly after the bus stopped, something flew through two windows. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled, amazed that he wasn't injured by any of the shattered glass that fell on him, and confused at what happened. "What? What happened?" His sister, Ellie asked.

"Good morning Ms. Crabtree." Stan said. "Sit down! We're runnin' late!" Ms. Crabtree shouted. The boys entered the bus.

"Was that a football?" Jack asked. "I dunno. I was sleeping." Ellie replied.

"No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me." Kyle said, worried. Apparently his brother was the unidentified object that flew threw the window. "Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!" Ms. Crabtree yelled.

"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch." Stan said. "What did you say?!" She asked. "I said I have a bad itch." Stan lied. "Oh." Ms. Crabtree returned her focus to driving.

"Oh my god!" Kyle and Stan looked out the rear window of the bus. "Visitors!" Stan yelled. "Ike!" Kyle exclaimed.

Kyle ran to the front of the bus. "Stop the bus! Ms Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!" Kyle yelled. "Do you want an office referral?" Ms Crabtree asked. "No." Kyle answered. "Then sit down!" She yelled. "But I—" Kyle was interupted by "Arrgggh!", So he responded with "Arrggh!", which she responded with a louder "Arrgghhh!". Kyle returned to his seat after losing the screaming contest to the angry bus driver.

"Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?" Stan asked. "Cartman saw visitors?" Ellie asked, poking her head out of the window next to her seat to see. "Oh wow. They're taking some little kid!" She observed.

Kyle became more worried about the abduction of his brother. "Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us." Stan said. "What did you say?!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce." Stan lied. "Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do." Ms Crabtree said, before turning a hard right. Jack flew over to the other side of the bus. "Ow!" Ellie started laughing at Jack's pain. The Boys started laughing for a completely different reason.

...

_A few hours later..._

"And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus." Mr Garrison, their teacher explained. "That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492..." Mr Hat, his puppet, continued to ramble nonsense.

"I have to see the Visitors." Ellie whispered. By have, she means want. "Then wait a few hours to leave school." Jack said.

"'You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!' 'Brush and floss, Kyle!' 'Where has that finger been, Kyle?!'" Kyle did immitations of his parents scolding him. "Dude!" Stan yelled.

"Is there a problem boys?" Mr Garrison asked. "Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now." Kyle said. By have, he actually meant have. "Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?" Mr Garrison asked, refrencing a previous incident that has no relevence to the plot worth explaing. Ellie might call it a noodle incident, but she doesn't know what that term means.

"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle explained. Ellie started laughing at the realization of what she witnessed earlier. Apparently, she was half-asleep for most of it. "It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe." Kyle said, mistaking her laughing for skepticism. She only laughed harder. "Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh." Cartman said nervously.

"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked. "I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!" Kyle said, angrily. "Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison insisted.

"Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked. "Well, Kyle, no! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" Mr. hat yelled. "Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle." Mr. Garrison said. "Damn it!" Kyle yelled. "You probably should have just spoken to him from the beginning." Jack said. Ellie started laughing again. "Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you." Cartman joined in the laughing.

Suddenly, fire shot out of Cartman's butt. "Ow, my ass!" He yelled. "Dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "Damn, Cartman!" Stan shouted. "Uh, Ow, my ass!" Cartman yelled, as more flames came out. "Dude, he's farting fire!" Kyle announced, making my narration redundant.

"It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!" Stan explained. "I don't think anal probes are supposed to do that." Jack said. This wasn't far from the truth; The probe was damaged. But that's a story for another chapter based on another episode.

"No, that was just a dream." Cartman rejected the truth. "Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" Mr. Garrison asked. "No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine." Cartman said, right before lighting Pip on fire with another flaming fart. Ellie fell out of her seat laughing, while Pip ran out of his seat screaming.

...

_Another set of hours later..._

The class was having lunch. "We have to find a way to get out of class and see what the visitors are doing!" Ellie said. "No we don't. You just want to skip class." Jack said. "Yeah, so I can see the Visitors!" She insisted.

Suddenly, a fire alarm went off. "Uh, I think Cartman burned another student." Jack said. Obviously. If he burned Pip again, there would be no alarm. Because no one likes Pip. "Let's get out of here, so we can see the Visitors!" Ellie ran away. "Dammit!" Jack said, before following her.

...

Jack found Ellie, across the street from the Boys, who were looking at a flying saucer. "Look!" She said, pointing to the space craft. It shot Kenny with some kind of laser gun, sending him flying over their heads. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!" Kyle yelled, as the flying saucer left. "Look, he survived!" Jack said. Suddenly, cows ran over him. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" He yelled. "No they didn't." Ellie noted, as Kenny got up, to be hit by a police car. "Now they've killed Kenny." She said. "You bastards!" Jack yelled.

Everyone walked to Kenny's dead body. "Wow, Poor Kenny." Stan said. He was already poor to begin with. Now, he's destitute and dead. "Now do you believe us, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "No!" He answered. Cartman is still in denial. "Cartman, they killed Kenny!" Stan reminded. "Those Bastards!" Jack added. "He's not dead." Cartman said. "Yes, he is." Jack countered. Ellie started kicking Kenny's dead body. "Shut up, you guys!" Cartman said. Ellie kicked Kenny's head off. "Doesn't get much deader than that." Jack said.

"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!" Cartman yelled, as he left. "Go on and go home, you fat chicken!" Stan yelled. "Dildo!" He yelled back. "Well, The aliens are gone, and schools closed. I'm going home now." Jack said. "Seriously?! After what they did to Kenny!" Ellie asked. Jack ignored her. "Well I'm not leaving." Ellie said. She then saw rats climbing onto Kenny's corpse and ran away screaming.

...

Only a few minutes later, they were home. Leonard Henderson was watching the news. "As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns." The news said.

"Hey, that looks like that fat kid from your school!" Leonard said to his children. "What?" Ellie asked, running to look. She saw Cartman shaped crop circles. "Oh. Must be some stuff about his anal probe." Jack said. "Anal probe?" Leo asked. "Yeah. Some aliens probed him in the butt last night." Jack said. "Huh. Sucks to be him." Leonard said. "I'm going to go warn them!" Ellie exclaimed.

...

_About an hour later... _

"...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed." Kyle finished explaining the story so far to Wendy at Stark's Pond.

"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?" Wendy asked. "Why?" Kyle asked. "Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back." Wendy said. "Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman." Kyle said. "Come on, Stan!" Wendy said. Stan puked, something he does whenever Wendy talks to him. Until the running gag got thrown away, kinda like Stan's last meal. "Eew!" Wendy said. Shut up, it was clever! "Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?" Stan asked.

Ellie finally arrived, after running across the town to meet them. "Guys... Cartman's probe... The aliens want it back..." She said, while struggling to catch her breath. "We just figured that out." Stan said. Ellie collapsed onto the snow surrounding the frozen pond, too exhausted to continue standing.

...

"Eric, look who's here." Liane Cartman, Cartman's mom said, as she escorted Cartman's visitors (Not the aliens) to their living room. "Dude, weak, mom." Cartman said. "Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop." Kyle said. The bus stop: an iconic South Park location the boys hang out at. For some reason. "I can't. My mom said—" Cartman made an excuse. "That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends." Liane interrupted.

"But maym, I don't want to spend time with my little friends." Cartman whispered. "Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow." His mom insisted. "God damn it!" Eric yelled. Mr. Kitty ran past while burning. "Was that a burning cat?" Ellie asked. Smells like burning fur, so probably.

...

"You guys, I have to get home." Cartman said. He was tied to a tree. "Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again." Kyle said. As long as the rope isn't lit on fire by flaming gas. "Oh man, this sucks." Cartman tried to pull his leg free, but the rope was too well tied. "How come the visitors aren't coming for him?" Kyle asked. Cartman farted, sending fire. "Ow!" He yelled.

"Hey, he's like Rudolph!" Wendy exclaimed. "Cartman the fatassed reindeer!" Ellie chimed. "Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!" Kyle yelled. "Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight." Cartman lied. "Sure you do!" Kyle said. "Come Cartman, fart!" Stan shouted. "I don't wanna!" He shouted back. "Just do it!" Ellie yelled. Shia Lebeouf meme isn't even a thing yet. "Fart damn you!" Kyle demanded, losing patience.

"Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!" Cartman yelled, as the anal probe created a giant satellite. "I'm sick of it! It's completely immature." He would know immature. He's the least mature character the entire series.

"Hey, it's happening again." Stan said. Apparently, this happened moments before Kenny's death. "Whoa, look at that!" Kyle said. "It's fucking huge!" Ellie exclaimed. It's a anal probe. What did you expect? "Now, do you believe us, Cartman?" Stan asked. "You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up." Cartman said. "He's in denial. or something." Ellie said. I already said that!

...

Leonard Henderson looked out his window. "Oh shit! They're here!" he ran to see the Vistors before they leave. "Jack, you can do whatever you want until I get back!" He yelled, as he left. "You let me do whatever I want anyway." Jack muttered, even though he knew Leo couldn't hear him.

...

"Come down here, you stinking aliens!" Kyle yelled. Three teleported. "Uh–Uh..." Kyle stammered. "Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back." Stan said.

"Vi–Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing." Kyle made his first of many speeches. "Yeah." Stan said. "Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again." Kyle finished his speech.

"Dude, they're leaving." Ellie noted. The visitors don't speak english. They have no idea what Kyle is saying.

"Hey, you scrawny-eyed [REDACTED], what the [REDACTED] is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to be able to ignore a crying child!" Kyle yelled. "Whoa dude!" Stan exclaimed. "You know what you [Redacted] like! You like to [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]!" Holy crap. Sounds like Jack's anger translator. "Hey Wendy, what's a [REDACTED]?" Stan asked. Wendy shrugged.

The aliens opened part of their ship. Ike made it to the opened dock/door (I have no idea how the ship's design works) but was too scared to do anything. "Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!" Kyle yelled. "Don't hurt me." Ike said. "Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!" Kyle shouted. "Don't kick the baby." Ike said.

"Hey, the aliens only wanted to talk to the cows!" Ellie yelled, noticing that they were talking to the cows nearby. Then what the fuck did they need the probe for? Why is Ike on their ship? This plan makes no sense! "Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!" Kyle yelled. Time for some high quality satirical jokes. "It's my turn!" Ike said, as he fell off of the ship, landing in the snow, dropping like David Caruso's—Wait a minute...

"You guys, get me down from here!" Cartman yelled. He lit the rope on fire with another fart. "Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!" Cartman yelled, as he got abducted. Again. And from that momment, every time someone landed a flying object near Cartman, he would cover his butt. Literally.


	2. Oh, hey Kenny

**Me: My first original chapter! Not as long as the first chapter.**

**Kenny: *Muffled Disclaimer***

**Me: Let's do this!**

...

"Oh hey, Kenny." Jack said, as he spotted Kenny across the street. "Wait a minute? Something doesn't seem right." Ellie said. "What?" Jack asked. "I don't know. It feels like Kenny shouldn't be here for some reason." Ellie said. Wait, she shouldn't know that. "I'm going to get ice cream." Jack said. Jack gives ZERO craps right now.

Ellie remembered Kenny being shot by the aliens. "Wait, Kenny!" Ellie called out her friend. "Mh hm?" Kenny replied. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital or something, after getting shot by those aliens last week." She asked. She remembers that? Why? Kenny said some stuff about how he was actually killed. "I think I would remember if you died." Ellie said. Then why don't you.

Kenny crossed the street, and got hit by a car. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Ellie yelled. "You bastards!" Somebody yelled from the background.

...

"Oh hey, Kenny." Jack said, as Kenny got on the bus. "Wait a minute, Shouldn't Kenny be in a hospital or something after getting hit by that car yesterday?" Ellie asked. Why does she remember that? "What car?" Jack asked. Jack was paying ZERO attention. "You were buying ice cream while it happened." Ellie explained.

As the bus turned, Kenny fell through a window. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled.

...

"Oh hey, Kenny." Jack said, as Kenny walked past him and his sister. "Ok, is it me, or is Kenny healing form life threatening injuries suspiciously fast?" Ellie asked. More accurately, he comes back from death. "What do you mean?" Jack asked. Jack never cared. "He survived near fatal injuries after the Visitors." Ellie said. Technically, no.

"I'm pretty sure they were never that serious." Jack said. Although he never cared. "Maybe, but his family doesn't have any kind of medical coverage. So how is he not dying?" Ellie asked. Fans asked the question. The Tv Trope WMG page for South Park has some interesting theories. "I don't really care how he does it." Jack replied. To be fair, he doesn't really care about anything that doesn't directly affect him.

"I think Kenny is actually dying!" Ellie exclaimed. How'd she jump to that conclusion? "That doesn't make any sense. If he died, we wouldn't have seen him a minute ago." Jack said. Ordinarily, yes. "I think Kenny is somehow coming back from the dead. Or being cloned. Or something." Ellie said. She doesn't even know. "That's doesn't make any sense. People would remember Kenny dying." Jack said. Some of them do, but just give ZERO fucks. "What if they didn't. Kenny could come back to life, and no one would know." Ellie said.

"Even if your right, how are you going to prove it?" Jack asked. "Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!" "You Bastards!" And apparently Kenny died just now.

...

Kenny woke up to see Ellie preparing to stab him with a broken piece of glass. "Woah, what the [REDACTED]!" He jump out of his bed. "If I kill you, I can prove you can't die!" Ellie said. "That's not how it works!" Kenny yelled. "What?" Ellie asked, confused.

"I keep dying, and then I come back to life. I don't know why, but I can't stay dead!" Kenny said. "Oh. So I didn't have to kill you." Ellie said. "NO!" Kenny yelled.

Suddenly, rats eat Kenny. "Oh crap!" Ellie ran out of Kenny's house as they ate him, leaving only bones. And no one was around to scream "You Bastards!" this time.

...

"Oh hey Kenny!" Jack said, as Kenny boarded the school bus. "I had this weird dream where I was going to kill Kenny, then he got eaten by rats." Ellie explained. Kenny said something about how that actually happened. "What? Are you sure. I think I would remember you being eaten by rats." Ellie said. You've said similar things before. Kenny yelled multiple swear words, likely learned from his parents.

The bus made a sharp turn. Kenny fell from his seat and hit his head. His skull cracked, killing him instantly. "Oh my god! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled. "Wait a minute!" Ellie exclaimed. Is it about to happen again? "Why don't we have seat belts?!" Ellie asked. Don't drink and drive, children.


	3. Some Fat kid is going to be on TV

**Me: Another episode. Another chapter based on one.**

**Mr. Garrison: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for those retards Jack and Ellie.**

**Me: Hey! Only one of them is a retard!**

...

"Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?...One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize." Mr. Garrison announced. "Wow, I knew I would win." Wendy said. But he didn't say you won yet. It could be anyone.

"Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting." Mr. Hat said. "That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is..." Mr. Garrison took a dramatic pause. "Eric Cartman." Out of confusion. "What?" Both Wendy and Cartman exclaimed in reaction to the news. I did say it could be anyone.

"Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper." Mr. Garrison said. "Kick ass!" He replied. "That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a pop tart." Stan said. It is possible he cheated. Or that his work was mistaken for some kind of parody. "Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted." Cartman said. It is possible he was accepted out of pity. "Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner." Mr. Garrison said. There must have been some terrible papers out there. Or a lot of identical ones.

"Wow, what did you write about Cartman?" Kyle asked. "Oh, you know, this and that." Cartman said. It is possible his mom wrote the essay for him. That's what I'd do if I was him. "He doesn't even know what he wrote about!" Wendy exclaimed. It's possible he copied ot from another source.

"What did you write about?" Ellie asked. "My paper was on the suffering of bottlenose dolphins." Wendy said. Seriously? "There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid." Cartman said. Should have chosen something interesting. Like the Panda. "Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet." Stan noted, taking the chance to defend Wendy's opinion. "'Second best ain't worth crap.' That's what my grandpa says." Ellie quoted, taking the chance to attack Wendy's opinion.

"Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by" Mr. Garrison did another dramatic pause. "Kathie Lee Gifford." Out of surprise. He made a longer pause to think about things.

"Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?" Kyle exclaimed. "And the presentation will be on national television." Mr. Garrison finished. "Wow. This must be a big deal." Jack said blankly. Jack does not care for hype.

...

"Children, as you all know, Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay." The mayor said. "That kid was me." Cartman noted. "Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park." The mayor was more concerned about putting South Park on the map, than Cartman.

"That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison said. "Kill her." The puppet commanded. Mr. Garrison whispered something to his puppet. "Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play." The mayor said. That sounds like a terrible plan. "Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her." Mr. Garrison noted. That's a red flag right there. "I think Mr. Garrison is going to do something bad." Ellie whispered to Jack. Even Ellie knows!

"Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated." Wendy warned. Does it even matter? "Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best." The mayor said. She doesn't care. Why should anyone? "And who's our little prize winner again?" She asked. Should have payed attention. "Me! Eric Cartman!" Cartman shouted. He's been explaining this, and she failed to notice. Now she looks dumb.

"How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?" The mayor said. "Yes ma'am." Cartman said. "I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television." Cartman bragged. "Tomorrow is going to be a long day." Jack said blankly.

...

The next day, Cartman had a problem. "Look! Cartman's so fat, he can't even get on the bus!" Ellie said. "Wow. He upgraded to extra large fatass." Jack added. "Shut up! Your just jealous of my buff body!" Cartman yelled. "Try to exercise, while putting on all that weight!" Jack yelled. That's actually solid advice. Yet, it sounds like he's being sarcastic. Strange...

...

"Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage." Stan, Kyle, Ellie, and some others did so. "Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage." Jack, Kenny, and others went to the center. "Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?" Clyde asked. "Your an Indian!" Ellie yelled. "Oh." Clyde went to the center. "Okay Bebe, this is your line." Mr. Garrison said.

"This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land. Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers." Bebe narrated. Wait a minute, that's my job! The pioneers began attacking the Indians, pretending to beat them with their weapons. A teepee fell, blocking Kenny from the audiences view, seemingly killing him. "Oh my god!" The mayor was horrified. "They did it a lot better this morning. They had more energy." Mr. Garrison explained.

"The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands." Bebe continued narrating, as a kid landed next to her. Butters beat up Pip, identifying the superior of the two. "Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford." The mayor said. "Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days." Mr. Garrison spoke the truth.

"It's either this or stuff about slavery. This isn't racist." Jack said. More specifically, it's not offensive to the viewers. Not that he cares about the Native American's running the casino near South Park. It's not like they can build a road over the town or anything. "Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!" The mayor yelled.

"To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!" Mr. Garrison shouted. "I knew something like this would happen!" Ellie exclaimed. No shit. "Oh my God, what have I said?" Mr. Garrison asked. "He said 'To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!'" Leonard shouted. Wait, why is he here? People began booing. "Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play." The mayor ordered.

...

"God damn, that's a big fat ass!" Leonard said as he saw Cartman later that day. He had tripled in size since the bus incident. "Woah. He upgraded to super extra large fatass!" Ellie shouted. "AYE!" Cartman yelled. He has a problem.

...

"Nice gun, Mr. Garrison. Careful not to hurt anybody." Leonard said to Mr. Garrison. "Thanks. Hey Leonard, If you were going to shoot Kathie Lee Gifford, where would you do it?" Mr. Garrison asked. Does he look like Barbrady to you? "I would try the book depository. No distractions, perfectly positioned to get a view of the entire show, and easy to escape before the police can get there." Leonard said. Leo, what the hell. "Ok. Thanks Leonard." Mr. Garrison said.

"Hey! No pictures!" Leonard grabbed a guy's camera. "Barbrady! This guy is taking pictures!" He yelled. Barbrady confiscated the camera. "Oh yeah, you can't take photos." Leo quickly reminded Mr. Garrison.

...

"It's about to start!" Ellie yelled. "It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park." The mayor said.

"Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of a, a humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy." Chef is signing some song he made.

"He's stalling so Cartman can get on stage, isn't he." Jack said. Not intentionally. "Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you down. And lick every inch of your body with my tongue." Chef sang. But it's nessicary. "I hate my life so much right now." Jack said. Jack does not like music. Especially when it has singing in it.

"Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song." The mayor rushed him of the stage. Leonard started laughing. "Should have checked to see what he was singing before he started!" Jack shouted. That is legitimate advice. Do a background check on all your workers, employers. "God bless you Kathie Lee!" Chef yelled as he was pulled offstage.

"Wait a minute. What's that in the background." Leonard remembered earlier, when he saw Mr. Garrison "Oh crap! If he gets caught, I'll be in trouble for helping!" Way prioritize, Leo. He ran outside the crowd.

"And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kaufman—" The mayor introduce Kaufman. "CARTMAN! God damn it!" Eric yelled.

"Wait a minute! Is that a gun?!" Ellie yelled. She can't see that from wheres she's standing. "Where?" Jack asked. "To the—He moved the camera out of view!" Ellie yelled. What the hell? Did she just break the fourth wall? "Or you saw nothing." Jack dismissed.

"It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?" Kathie Lee Gifford said. "I think Cartman is too fat for the stage." Ellie noted. It suddenly broke, sending Kathie Lee Gifford into the air.

A random sniper bullet hit Kenny just before he was impaled by a flag, due to being launched by the stage.. "Oh my god! Mr. Garrison killed that kid!" Leonard yelled from outside the clock tower. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled from inside the clock tower.

"Well that ended quicker than it should have, I have no complaints!" Jack left the crowd.


	4. Football Brutality

**Me: I am back! And I'm working on a lot of different things I haven't done in a while.**

**Stan: Uh, am I supposed to read the sign now?**

**Me: Not yet. I am considering accepting OCs, but for now, I have no garrantee of anything. I currently am accepting OCs for another fanfic, but once that's done, I might start accepting OCs for this fanfic. Maybe.**

**Stan: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for Jack and his family. Can I leave now?**

...

"Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park." Chef said. "Not really." Jack noted. Yeah, most of them don't care. "But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile." Chef said. "Wait, what?" Jack asked. He never payed attention to any of what Chef taught them, until now.

"Now, let's start practice." Chef instructed. "Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut." "Hike the dman ball!" Cartman hikes it over Stan's head. As he goes after it, Kyle runs into Pip, bashing his unhelmeted skull open. "Wow. That has to hurt. Should we do something?" Jack said. No. Let him suffer.

He continued to play, ignoring Chef's conversation with Leonard and Jimbo. "Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow." Chef ended practice.

"Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?" Kyle asked. Stan's dog, Sparky showed up unannounced. "Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart." Stan said. "Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time." Clyde noted. His dog was also present. Dogs are loyal creatures. They follow their masters. "Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your—"

Sparky began humping Rex. "Sparky get down!" Stan ordered. "Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?" Clyde asked. "Uh, I'm not sure if I should tell you." Jack said. Jack knows things that he shouldn't for unknown reasons. "Get down Sparky! Down!" Stan ordered.

"Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual." Cartman explained. Wait, gay homosexual? Wouldn't that make it straight? A bender plus a bender cancels out? Double negetive? And that sounds more homophobic than I want it to. "Make him stop." Clyde begged. "I'm going to leave now." Jack said.

...

"...And so you see, Simon &amp; Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television." Cartman said. I wouldn't be surprised if hthat was an actual lesson he copied. "Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-" Mr. Garrison said. "Ah, Dammit!" Eric yelledd, as he sat down.

"Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison said. "Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?" Mr. Hat suggested. "Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next." Mr. Garrison said. "Um, I'm not really prepared either." Stan admited. "Well, just make something up, like Eric did." Mr. Garrison replied. "Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it—" Stan said. That sounds like something Cartman would write. If he were to actually write something, that is.

"Excellent. A-." Mr. Garrison said. That's Racist! "Hey!" Cartman yelled. "Wow, cool!" Stan said.

"Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?" Eric asked. "Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people." Mr. Garrison said.

"That's not fair!" Cartman shouted. "Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it." Mr. Hat said. "Stupid puppet." Eric muttered, right before the bell rang. "Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan." Mr. Garrison reminded.

...

When Jack began playing at the football practice the next day, he noticed Stan was completely unfocused at all. Jack realized he could replace Stan he as star athlete, and steal all the priveledges that come with it. "What's the matter Stan? You seem down." Chef stopped Stan. "I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay." Stan said. "Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks." Chef said.

"Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda." Mr. Garrison said. That's racist. "Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic." Chef countered. "What do you mean?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Well, you're gay aren't you?" Chef asked. "What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay." Mr. Garrison countered. "I thought only Mr. Hat was gay." Jack noted. I thought he was Bi in this season. Then again, he changes his sexuality twice as often as his gender. "Shut up Jack, no one is talking to you!" Mr. Garrison shouted.

"What's the matter dude?" Kyle asked, as he walked over. "I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice." Stan said. "Either he ran away, or something happened to him. Either way, I don't care much. We need to win the game!" Jack said. "Since when did you care?" Kyle asked, "Since Mr. Garrison started liking Stan." Jack answered. Wait, that sounds pedophilic.

...

"Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows." Leonard, Ellie and Joel, Jack's grandpa entered the bleachers. "Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up." Stan randomly disappeared right before the game.

"Where the hell is he?" Leonard asked. "I never saw him today. Kyle said something about him looking for his gay dog." Ellie said. "Oh. Fuck. I just lost a couple hundred bucks." Leonard said, regretting the bets he placed on Stan a few days earlier. "I'm gonna go talk to his uncle for a second." Leonard explained. The conversation wasn't going to be friendly. "Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski." Leonard walked over to Jimbo. "If I lose my 300 dollars, I will not hesitate to bludgeon you to death!" He warned. He could do it. He has the weapons.

...

The Cows were losing badly. "Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!" Kyle said. That's a terrible plan. That's the goal of the game, not a plan. "Break!" Everyone was in formation. "You guys are toast." One of the Cowboys said. "Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in." Another Cowboy added. "Set, set."

Cartman farted. "Damn it Cartman!" Kyle ran away. "What's the matter?" Chef asked. "Cartman farted!" Kyle said. "No I didn't. That was just my shoes." Eric lied. "Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty." Chef said. "No way dude." Kyle refused to go back. "Hike the damn ball." Chef commanded.

Kyle went back into position, using his shirt to cover his nose. "Ah, dude, weak." Kyle could still smell it. "That's right, you get back there." Cartman ordered. "Hut!" Cartman hikes the ball. "The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes." The enemy team tackled Kyle. "Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter. Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King."

Leonard walked back to Jimbo. "Seriously man, I better not lose any money because your nephew didn't show up today." He said. "Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime." Jimbo said, chuckling to himself. He had a plan, involving a bomb and a high F note.

...

"With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0." Frank said. Pip got tackled by the entire Middle Park team. "Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant." Frank said. "He didn't even have a helmet!" Ellie exclaimed. I don't think she knows that was Pip. If she did, she probably wouldn't care.

"And the South Park Cows are set to receive...There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick. He's at the 50, the 40, the 30." Two players grabbed Kenny. "Wait a minute, they can't grab another player like that!" Leonard yelled. The Cowboys ripped Kenny in half. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny." Ellie yelled. He's had worse deaths. "Those cheating bastards!" Joel exclaimed.

"Hey! Their breaking the rules! You can't kill people in football!" Leonard yelled. "What are you gonna do? Arrest them?" A middle park Cowboy fan asked.

...

Since Leonard is a police officer, he ended up arresting 3 of the Cowboys team members for murder. This didn't affect the game at all, but now he no longer was able to watch in person, and left Ellie and Joel to see who wins of him. "And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother..." Richard Stamos arrived. "Alright Richard!" Jimbo shouted.

"Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful -doo-n-doo-doo-doooo- Aaaaa! Aaaaa!" Richard sang, screwing up the last part. "What the hell?" Jimbo was expecting an explosion. "He always F's the high F up." Joel explained. I see what he did there. Leonard returned. "Is the game over?" Leonard asked. "No, this is half time." Ellie said. "Oh, thank god." Leo said. "Jimbo, don't disappoint." Leonard warned.

...

"And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since—" Frank was cut off. "My god. What a minute! Where is Jack!?" Leonard asked. He did not want to see his son get molested. "I don't know. He was here right before Kyle was made quarterback. I don't think I saw him after then then." Ellie said.

Leonard went to Chef to see where he is. "Chef! Where is my son?" Leonard asked. "He left to find Stan." Chef said. "That doesn't make sense. Why would he..." Leonard trailed off.

"Son of a bitch. He's trying to cost the game so he can replace Stan as quarterback." Leo said. "But wouldn't it make more sense to just replace him now?" Chef asked. "No. They would still take Stan back when he returns. If Stan cost us the game to find his gay dog, everyone will be mad at him, and not want him on the team anymore." Leonard explained.

"You really think he would do that?" Chef asked. "I know him better than anyone. He's probably the reason Stan left in the first place." Leo said. "I found Stan!" Jack annonced. Seems Leonard was wrong this time. Everyone began cheering. "Where the hell have you been Stan?!" Chef asked. "I've been getting my best friend back." Stan said. "Just get in there boy!" Chef ordered!

"For a second, I thought you were planning to stop Stan from returning." Leonard said to Jack. "I was, but I learned something today. If I try to be someone else—" Jack said. "Tell me later. I have a couple hundred dollars on you guys beating the spread." Leonard said.

...

"Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass. And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid. Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!" Joel suddenly left the bleachers. "Oh crap." Leonard said, running after him. Jack blocked one of the Middle park children, so Kyle could reach the goal. "Touchdown!" Leonard tackles his elderly father.

"The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!" Frank yelled. "Yes! I didn't lose my money!" Leo yelled. He realized that Joel vanished. "Aw crap." Joel could be anywhere. Doing anything. Most likely killing innocent children.

...

"Speech!" The people demanded. "Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?" Frank asked. "Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys." Stan said. "Yeah, alright!" The crowd cheered. "And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!" Stan added. "Woooo!" The crowd shouted.

"And it's okay to be gay!" The crowd became silent. "What?!" Jimbo asked. "Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing." Stan explained. "What the hell is he talking about?!" Mr. Garrison asked.

"Jack, where did you find him?" Leonard asked. "I found him on his way back from a gay animal sanctuary.' Jack said. "Did you know this would happen?" Leonard asked. "No, but I'm going to take credit for it anyway." Jack said. Leo started laughing.

...

_Hours ago_

_"You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!" Jack walked into view as big gay Al said Nazis. "Fucking hilarious." Jack said, with more sarcasm than an angsty teenager. "Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely." Big gay Al left._

_Jack walked away. "Goodbye!" Jack pulled out a lighter, and started a fire which would burn down the gay animal reserve or whatever the hell the place used to be._

The moral of this story: Jack lied.


	5. Clones and Crossbreeds

**Me: I made myself a new profile picture. You'll know what it's supposed to be in one of my later Chapters.**

**Ellie: That's cool.**

**Me: I'm also working on that chapter already.**

**Ellie: Seriously? Well, we won't wait long for it. Maybe.**

**Me: Just do the disclaimer.**

**Ellie: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the OCs!**

...

"Hey. Wait a minute. What is that thing?" Ms. Crabtree yelled, looking at an elephant. "Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid." Kyle lied. "Oh—I'm sorry little girl. But you still can't get on. You have to take the special ed bus." Ms. Crabtree said.

Cartman walked onto the bus. "If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, 'Hey, you go do my laundry and—" "SIT DOWN KID!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "Yes, Ma'am!" Cartman ran to a seat, like a little bitch. "What just happened?" Ellie asked. "I don't know. I don't care." Jack replied.

...

"And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering." Mr. Garrison said. "That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better." Mr. Hat explained.

"With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?" Kyle asked. "Well, uh, ye—yes, I suppose you could. You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes." Mr. Garrison wasn't expecting any one to care about the lesson. The class usually doesn't listen, or whines.

"That's it. I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make…pot-bellied elephants. They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs." Kyle declared. Wait, he has an elephant? "That'd be cool!" Stan exclaimed. "I want a pot-bellied elephant." Bebe added. "Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one." Pip said.

"That's stupid." Terrence, another student, dismissed the idea. "Why? Even if it fails, we could get a giant pig, which will allow us to get more bacon with fewer pigs!" Ellie replied. That is sound logic. Did Jack explain it to her, or did she come up with it herself?

"Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before crossbreed and elephant and a pig!" Terrence declared. "You can't clone people. Clones die faster than they're made." Jack noted. It's true. Clones have pretty short lifespans. That's why they're only used as expendables and for research.

"Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, three A+ students in a cloning war." Mr. Garrison said. Clone Wars, huh? "Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people." Mr. Hat replied. "Hey! I'm part German!" Jack yelled. "Shut up Jack, no one was talking to you!" Mr. Hat yelled back.

"Your half Nazi? Cool!" Cartman exclaimed. "God damn it!" Jack slammed his head on his desk. "FUCK!" He yelled. That was very painful. Don't slam your face on desks, children.

...

Stan crashed through a window. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled, surprised Stan was not bleeding from any of the glass. "Ready to go Stan?" Kyle asked. "Go where?" Stan asked, so I don't have to narrate as much. "To the Genetical Engineering Ranch." Kyle answered. "So we can splice cartman's pig's DNA with the elephants!" Ellie added, with more enthusiasm than an excited preschooler about to get icecream. "Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!" Cartman shouted.

"I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!" Shelly, Stan's sister yelled. "Wow. Your sister is a bitch." Jack noted. She threw him through a window for no apparent reason. That goes without saying. "Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, 'Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!'" Cartman said. "Who said that?" Shelly asked. "The fat one!" Ellie answered. "Hey!" Cartman yelled.

...

"Wow, this place is creepy." Jack said. "Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess we should come back some other time." Cartman said. "I'm with Cartman, something doesn't seem right about this place." Jack rarely agrees with Cartman over something not homophobic. "What, are you scared?" Ellie asked. "No. I just have a bad feeling that if we go there, we will be murdered, and/or raped." Jack replied.

"We have to go to finish the science project." Ellie said. "Yeah, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together." Kyle added. "It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you." Cartman promised. "It's just a stupid pig!" Kyle yelled. "Yeah, quit being such a baby." Stan said.

"Baby?! Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!" Cartman shouted. Daahamn! "That because you literally ran home to your mommy." Ellie said. Like a little bitch. "HAI! I'm taking my pig and... Screw you guys! I'm going home! This whole idea's stupid anyway." Cartman got so pissed off, he forgot to finish a sentence.

"What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid? You never get higher than a 'D'!" Kyle shouted. "Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!" Cartman said. "There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!" Kyle yelled. Not yet. "I'll kick you in the nuts!" Cartman threatened.

"Can I help you?" An old man working the GER said. Kenny closed his hood in terror. Huh, I forgot he was here. I thought he died already. "Uh…yeah…we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig." Kyle explained. "Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs." The man said. "Or small pig-sized elephants. Either is good." Jack said. "Ohh, that's an even better idea. Come on in." The old man opened the doors.

...

"I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering." The old guy said.

"I-it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you." Cartman assured. "I'm pretty sure it won't feel much pain, if at all." Jack noted.

"It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I have created things that will change the world for the better. For instance, here is a monkey with four asses." What the fuck is that abomination? Kill it with fire!

"How does that make the world better?" Kyle asked. "And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich. And my four assed mongoose." Kill them all with fire! Make sure every last one of them burns in hell!

"Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?" Stan asked. "Oh, uh, I suppose so uh. Oh yes, over here. Here I have rats splice with ducks." Ellie froze when she saw the crossbred rat-duck. "And gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish." This is some fucked up shit, right here! Burn it all!

"Why are the ears attached with strings." Jack asked. Because fish aren't meant to have ears. "And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard." How the hell do you genetically engineer that?! "I fail to see how any of what you've made helps the world." Jack noted. It is progress. Eventually, it will reach the point where it helps people. That's a long way, if this guy is running it.

"Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?" Kyle asked. "Oh. Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?" The man asked. Why is there a song about this? I can't show it because restrictions.

"Well, this was a waste of time. I'm leaving." Ellie said. "I'm sorry. Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours." The man said. "You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!" Cartman yelled.

"You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days." The man noted. "I hope you aren't going to rape us. I feel like that's going to happen any second now!" Jack said. He stabbed Stan with a needle, extracting his blood. "Everyone panic!" Ellie shouted!

...

"Hey dumbasses. You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?" Terrance asked. "No! We're already halfway done." Kyle lied.

"Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig." Terrance said. That's not halfway, that's basic material gathering, step one. "You don't have more!" Ellie noted. "Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way." One kid dropped a foot.

"Wow. That's less than half a person!" Jack replied. Terrance sucks at math. "Oh my God! They cloned a foot." Kyle said. The foot kicked Cartman in the face. "Ugh! Hey! I'll kick your ass!" Cartman yelled. The foot would saw "I'll kick yours first!", but it lacked a mouth. "It doesn't have an ass yet!" Jack noted. Ellie to started laughing at the truth.

"By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being. Good luck with your stupid little pig." Terrance and his friends left. "You still haven't done more than us!" Ellie yelled.

...

As they got lunch, Chef gave the Boys (and Ellie) the idea to get the elephant and pig to "Make sweet love" to create the giant pig/small elephant as some crossbred species. Pretty sure that isn't genetically possible, but fuck it. That's the plot and we're rolling with it.

"Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?" Stan asked. "We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk." Kyle said. "Yeah, large animals are generally more resistant to chemicals designed for humans." Jack added. It would be easier to design a super alcohol, but ain't nobody got time for that!

"Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?" Stan asked, sounding almost like a little bitch. "Why? Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?" Cartman asked. Probably. "Shut up Cartman!" Stan yelled. Kenny said something about hitting Shelly. Oh yeah, he's still alive. "Yeah Stan, she's just a girl." Kyle said. She's also freakishly strong.

"Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!'" Cartman said.

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!" Stan asked. "His mom!" Jack answered. That's probably an accurate guess. "I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all." Eric said.

"Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, 'Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you.'" Kyle said. Kenny added something about boobs. "Sick dude, she's my sister." Stan said.

"Try it. We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig." Kyle said. Not the boobs part. That usually gets people slapped and/or beat up. Usually both. "No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig! You leave Fluffy out of this!" Eric yelled. "Later Stan!" Ellie ran toward Cartman's house.

"If it get's me out of seeing the pig and elephant go to work, I'm going to go with you." Jack said. He had no idea what he was signing up for. "Thank, man." Stan said.

...

"Are you staring at my neckbrace?" Shelly asked. "No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neckbrace?" Shelly grabbed Stan.

"Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that…that you're my sister, and I love you." Shelly threw Stan at Jack. "Ow! Fuck! What did I even do?" Jack ran out of Stan's house. "I didn't sign up for this shit!" Jack yelled. I tried to warn him, but the fourth wall is too strong.

"No. Ahh! Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me." Stan declared. "You'll never be bigger than me Stan. Never!" Shelly yelled. This was obvious foreshadowing.

...

"Come on elephant, keep drinking." Kyle said. "Wow. I haven't seen anyone drink this much since that party my dad had in '95." Jack said. Interesting he remembers, considering everyone else there didn't remember any of it the next day. "Why aren't they fucking?!" Ellie asked.

"Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going." Chef said. "Rotten. They're both really drunk, but the won't have sex." Kyle said. "JUST FUCK ALREADY!" Ellie screamed. Said every shipper ever. The drunken animals gave no fucks. Literally.

"Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. Let me show you boys what I'm talking about." Chef was about to sing a song.

"Tonight is a-right for love, you know I - want tuh touch you where the lights don't go. Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet. I want tuh - keep you burnin' like a dog in heat. Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!"

"Ok, I'm leaving. Let me know if it works." Jack said, before going home.

...

While he was headed back to Cartman's house to check on the progress of the science experiment, Jack saw a giant Stan rampaging through the city. "Oh crap." He hid behind a car and watched as the giant Stan began smashing everything insight.

A police car stops. Leonard exits from it. "Jack, what the hell is going on here!" Leo asked. "Some guy cloned Stan. Now the clone is out of control." Jack said. "I'll, um, go and, ah, warn people. Or something, yeah." Leo said, as he went back in his car and drove away. I don't think he's going to warn anybody.

...

"Guys! An evil...Stan clone...destroying...the city..." Jack said, catching his breath slowly. When he found the others in the city. "We know." Ellie said. Another wasted sprint across the city to deliver news. "Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here." Barbrady denied.

"There you are! Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!" Jimbo scolded. He does not. "It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone." Stan said.

"Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?! You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "I'm gonna go have a word with your father, Stanley." Jimbo said. "Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this." Mr. Garrison added. Stan's clone is going to cause more harm than good.

"Wait, Stan, there he goes." Kyle said. "Stop!" Stan shouted. "Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?" The clone stopped. "He recognizes you dude." Kyle said. "That's good, that's good dude. Just calm down." Stan said. "Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran." The clone sat down.

"What should we do with him?" Kyle asked. "We could use him for the science experiment. Make it look like we did Terrence's project before he could." Jack suggested. That would be dishonest, but it would work. "Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?" Stan asked his clone. "Ahhhh, Yeahh." The cloned Stan liked this idea.

...

"…So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back. When you see Shelly, kick her ass. Shelly bad, Shelly very bad." Stan said. "Me bad?" The clone asked. "No! Shelly bad, you good."

The clone began angrily rampaging inside the house. "He's tearing up the house, stop him!" Stan yelled. The clone knocked Kenny into a microwave. "Oh crap!" Ellie began trying to open the microwave. "Get him!" Jack yelled, as he ran at the clone. He got knocked away. "Ow! That was a terrible idea." Jack said.

"What the hell do you want?" Shelly asked, as she returned. "Chewy-chewy-chomp" Shelly bashed the clone into the ground. "Holy shit!" Jack yelled. How was that even possible? The clone is twice her goddamn size! "Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything." The old man from the GER returned.

"Hey, they've got our clone. He belongs to us." Terrence said. "No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere. Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience. I tried to play God, and I failed." The old man shot the clone in the head. "Damn it! We still needed him." Jack noted. "Daddy! Noooooo!" Terrence screamed.

"All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed. Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics." The man said. A wise decision. "What good does the extra butts do anyway? They only add more places to F—" Before Jack could finish, Kenny exploded for no apparent reason.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Kyle yelled. "You Bastard!" Ellie yelled at the dead clone. "You cheating bastards. This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow." Terrenence vowed. "But we did nothing to sabotage you. Your dad did that for us!" Jack yelled. Well, you kidnapped the project, but that went nowhere.

"Mom and dad are home. My house is a disaster, you guy—you guys have got to help me." Stan begged. He is desperate. "I ain't helpin' crap! I want to eat some paeh." Cartman replied. Cartman did not care. "You can't just leave me here alone." Stan said. "Oh yeah, watch me." Cartman ran away.

"Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya." Kyle said. He was more concerned about the project than Stan's house. "Th-they killed Kenny." Ellie muttered, as she walked out behind him. Kenny's death would haunt Ellie until the next day, when she forgets it happened.

"Wow. This is the biggest clusterfuck since the after-party my dad was in '95." Jack said. Interesting Jack remembers, considering everyone there was too drunk to realize that the party ended the night before. "Please, help me." Stan begged. "Uuuhhh, No." Jack left Stan alone.

...

"The pig made a baby pig!" Ellie yelled, as she brought the new baby pig.

"Why does it look like Mr. Garrison?" Jack asked. That is a good question. "Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence? Hmm, what are the odds of that?" Mr. Garrison said hurriedly. "Hmmm. You boys get first prize." Mr. Hat said. "Take that Terrence!" Ellie yelled. "The pig does not produce giant bacon. It is a failure." Jack declared. And so, the pig was disowned, left in the wild to fend for itself, intil it was killed and eaten by some random homeless person.


	6. Suicidal Maniacs

**Me: Death! I started with no idea what to do, and ended with a clear plan!**

**Joel: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for my family.**

**Me: Good job Joel. I'm surprised you could read that so well, considering that I gave you terrible eyesight.**

**Joel: What?!**

**Me: And damaged ears. I did not think this through.**

...

"Have you seen Kenny?" Jack asked Ellie. "No. Maybe he died already." She replied. So she remembers right now. "What?" Jack asked. "He's done it before, I swear!" Ellie shouted. "Oh. This again." Jack said.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Kyle asked, after Cartman hit him. "That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance &amp; Phillip last night!" Cartman yelled. "Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?" Clyde asked. "Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own." Kyle answered.

"Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!" Eric ranted. I'm guessing it's something to do with her period.

"Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night." Mr. Garrison said. "Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?" Cartman said. "She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance &amp; Phillip." Mr. Garrison said. "Yeahh, woohoo!" Students cheered. "Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Hat said. "That's right Mr. Hat, shows like _Terrance &amp; Phillip_ are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds. You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash."

Kenny walked in. So he's not dead. "Kenny, why are you late to class?" Kenny gave Mr. Garrison a note. "Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because—Yes Kenny, what is it?" Kenny said he had to go to the bathroom. "I thought you just came from the bathroom." Mr. Garrison said. Kenny said he had to go again. "Okay okay, go ahead." Kenny left.

"As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment."

"Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!" Stan shouted. Apparently Kenny has explosive diarrhea. "Pay attention children! I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance &amp; Phillip any more, ever." Mr. Garrison explained. "What?" Eric asked. "Not watch Terrance &amp; Phillip ever?" Clyde asked. "That's right children. Are there any questions?" Stan rasied his hand. "Yes, Stanley?"

"Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?" Stan asked. Mr. Garrison paused. "What—what do you mean?" He asked. "My grampa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should." Stan said. He can't end his own life? "Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna." Kyle said. "Really?" Stan asked.

"Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all." Kyle said. There are reasons for this I don't feel like explaining. "Wow!" Stan exclaimed. "Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!" Cartman said. "You should probably work on making her suicidal first." Jack Henderson noted.

"So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?" Stan asked. "Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole." Mr. Garrison replied. Kenny began yelling in pain. "Uh, I think Kenny is dying!" Ellie said. If he is, he has explosive dysentery, not diarrhea.

...

The first thing Ellie did when she got home was go to watch TV. She was surprised to see Leonard sleeping on the couch. "Daddy, shouldn't you be at the PTA meeting?" Ellie asked. "I would if I cared about what you kids watched." Leonard replied. He doesn't care about anything they do. "You should help get the show off the air!" She said. Why is she against it? Because it's gonna piss off a lot of people. "But I don't want to." Leonard said. "Leonard! You get you ass off that couch and go to that PTA meeting!" Joel ordered. "Fine! Do it." Leonard said, as left.

...

"—and I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean." Sheila Broflovski, Kyle's mom played the clip. "Hey Phillip, guess what?" "What?" Terrence farted. "Fart." Leonard sat down. "Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny." Shiela said. "Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh." Randy Marsh, Stan's dad found it funny.

"Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor—" A noise came from the bathroom. Mr. Garrison left it. "Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters." He said. Everyone started laughing. "I don't get it." Leo said.

...

"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access." Jack stopped changing the channels. "Yeah, believe in me and ye shall find peace." Jesus said. "Bullshit." Jack said. "First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'" Jack believes the calls are staged. "Yeah, is this Jesus?" There was some feedback. "Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback." Technical support is not needed here.

"Oh sorry. Uh, this is Martin—" Martin was interrupted. "Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know." Jesus didn't let him finish. Rude. "How the hell'd you know that?" Martin asked. "Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac." Jesus is being kinda diskish today. "Oh, they have actors on the phone this time." Jack said.

"Now, do you have a question?" Jesus asked. "Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and—" Martin explained. "Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance." Jesus, let him finish! "Yeah, that's not true." Jack said. Jack has no morals. "Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus."

"Next caller, you're on the air." The show switched callers. "Jesus?" Stan was the caller. This was his second time. The first getting a censored response. "Yes, my son?" Jesus asked "Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?" Stan asked.

"My son?" Jesus isn't interrupting this time. "Yes?" Stan asked. "I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole. Next caller." If he did answer, it would have been censored.

"I hate actors." Jack said, as he changed the channel. "Jack, a lot of people want to use the TV to watch Terrence and Phillip!" Joel shouted. "Well they can't, unless they have ten dollars per person! Ten! Per! Per! son!" Jack shouted. Ten bucks for each one? I'm pretty sure that's more than his cable is worth.

...

"I made almost a hundred dollars off of kids who aren't allowed to Terrence and Phillip." Jack said. "Better make that money while you still can." Ellie warned. "What? Why?" Jack asked. Ellie turned on the news. "Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather." The news reported. "How did you time that?" Jack asked. Luck.

"Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?" A news person asked. "We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance &amp; Phillip and—" "Terrance &amp; Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame." Ellie turned off the TV. "The PTA are going to get them off the network, for sure." Ellie said.

...

"We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children! We want more quality television, like Full House!" Sheila shouted. "Aw crap. At least I'm not sick. Right now anyway." Leonard said. It's inevitable. "Well, your not leaving til that crap is off the air." Joel said. "Goddammit!" Leonard shouted.

...

Jack began sitting around in his house. "Now, with no one is watching their kids, they can watch Terrence and Phillip without me." Jack hoped his easy money would dry up later than this. "Well, we can do what ever we want." Ellie noted. "We could already do that." Jack reminded. Leonard doesn't do much of anything to limit them. "Well, this is all Stan's grandpa's fault. If you're mad, blame him." Ellie replied.

...

"Ehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working." Liane Cartman said. "It'll work, it has to." Shiela said. "I'm fine with it ending in complete failure. As long as it happens soon." Leo said. "It's the network president!" Joel shouted.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warzog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network. Ahem! Fuck you. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there." The Network President addressed the PTA.

"Hey, you will not get away with this!" Shiela yelled. Warzog mooned them. "That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'." Sheila declared. "Nope. Fuck that. Screw you guys! I'm going home!" Leonard said, as he walked away. "You come back here, you son of a bitch!" Joel yelled. "That's your fault!" Leo shouted back.

...

"Hey kids." Leonard said, as he returned home. "Wait, is the protest over?" Jack asked. "No. They decided to go to plan B, which involves killing ourselves. I am not suiciding, nor helping them do it. If they don't value their lives, that's their problem." Leo said. "Wait a minute! That's the answer Stan was looking for!" Elie ran out of the house, followed by Jack.

...

"The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready? Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!" Kenny's father was fired into a window. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny's dad!" Jack yelled. I think he's dead, but whether or not he resurrects like Kenny does is not explained. "You suicidal maniacs!" Ellie yelled.

...

"Huh. No one's home." Jack said, as they entered Stan's house. "Aaaah, runrunruuun!" Cartman yells. Everyone ran into Stan's room. "Did I just see Death?" Ellie asked. "Mh Hm." Kenny said. "Oh right. Kenny, your dad is dead." Ellie said. "Whtt?" Kenny asked. "Your dad. He suicided. As are many other parents right now." Jack explained.

...

"As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors." Leonard raised the volume. "I hope dad died for their cause." Leo said. "Then he won't be my problem anymore."

...

"Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!" Stan rambled into the phone. "Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there." Mrs. Marsh said. Did she hear nothing? "Yeah, but, mom—" Stan continued to attempt to explain. "Here honey, talk to your father." She said. "Did you turn the heat down?" Randy asked. "Dad, Death is coming!" Stan yelled. "Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather." Randy explained. Either the phone is broken, or Stan's parents are stupid.

"Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place." Stan said. "Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids." Kyle said. Kenny said something about how if you let parents decide what you watch on TV, you can't watch anything, since they only have you watch stuff you don't want to. Or something like that. "Yeah. I still can't believe they're killing themselves over this." Ellie said. Busy day for Death, right?

"Oh Yeah, Stan, I was going to tell you that you shouldn't kill your grandfather, because if he really wants to die, it's his problem. Don't make it yours." Ellie explained. "That would have been good to know hours ago." Stan noted. The Death wouldn't be here. Maybe. "I only learned minutes ago." Ellie replied.

Death cut the door with his scythe. "Aw crap!" Jack ran away from it. "Quick, jump through the window." Stan said. Cartman had trouble, but Kenny pushed him out.

Stan's grandpa (Literally) chased Death, while Death (Literally) chased the kids. "Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!" Grandpa Marsh yelled. Death was gaining on Kenny. "Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!" Kyle warned. Dying's bad, Mckay. "Come over here, you son of a whore!" Grandpa Marsh yelled.

Death stopped to watch Terrence and Phillip on TV screens in TV World, a TV store. "Well I'm getting out of here." Jack said, running as far away as possible.

...

"Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is—Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!" Leonard waited for this.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to—" Joel shot the Network President multiple times with a pistol. "Aw crap. Why'd he have to say Nazi?" Someone asked.

...

"We interrupt this program to bring you loud static." The TV said. "Aw crap." Ellie said. Death touched Kenny. "Oh my god! Death took Kenny!" Ellie yelled. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. Death walked away.

"Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time." Stan said. "Oh, that makes sense." Ellie said. Yet, Kenny doesn't stay dead. "That's not fair, Goddammit! My grampa asked me to kill him and I did it." Grandpa Marsh said. Death pointed to the ghost of a really old man. "This is about to get wierd." Ellie said, before leaving.

...

"And now back to She's the Sheriff." Leonard was surprised. "I loved this show! But they stopped showing it after...I'm going to beat the crap out of your grandfather as soon as he get's back here." Leo said to his son. How do we know Joel's coming back? He might be in jail. "That's cool, I guess." Jack said.

"You are the one behind all these shenanigans." "Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it." "Up yours, buttmunch." Leonard began watching every rerun until the mob got it taken off the air. Again.


	7. Not Z-Zombies

**Me: I made this a few weeks ago. But I forgot to upload it. Well, prepare for zombies!**

**Zombie Kenny: *Says disclaimer, then tries to bite me.***

**Me: Ok, I'm going to need help. *Summons Chewbacca, who rips off Kenny's head.* Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You bastard!**

**Chewbacca: *Growls***

...

"Look at all the Chewbacca's!" Ellie said, as they entered the school. She was wearing a Darth Vader costume. "Well, that deducts originality points off of most of the students. Which means I'm more likely to win." Jack said. He had a zombie costume.

A zombie Kenny walked over. "Oh hey Kenny. I see you came as a zombie. Even though I said I would be coming as a zombie almost a hundred times yesterday." Jack said. Kenny didn't say anything. "Ok, bye Kenny." Jack walked away, very angrily.

...

"There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?" Cartman asked. "Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!" Kyle yelled. "You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!" Cartman said. "Because those are Ewoks on Endor. Completely different!" Jack said. Tell that to Johnie Chocran. "Those are Ewoks. Completely different." Eric mocked. "At least I'm not related to anyone in Crack Whore Magazine." Jack said. How does he know about that? "What?! What did you say?!" Cartman shouted.

"Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats." Mr. Garrison said, as the students entered the class. "Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel—" Kenny's arm fell off. "Eww!" Wendy yelled. "Is there a problem Kenny?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?" Mr. Garrison joked.

...

Leonard looked out his window and saw several zombies. "Aw crap. Hey! Get the fuck off mah property! Shoo! Fuck off! I'm not giving out candy yet!" He yelled. They all turned to him. "Oh crap, they're actual zombies!" He slammed the door, locked, and barricade it to keep out the dead. The zombies began banging on his door.

"Aw crap. Dad! Dead people are trying to break into the house!" Leo yelled. "What?!" Joel shouted back. "DEAD! PEOPLE! ARE! TRYING! TO! BREAK! IN! TO! THE! HOUSE!" Leo repeated, loudly sounding out each word. "Oh. Get my shotgun." Joel said. "You don't have a shotgun anymore!" Leonard reminded. They took it after Joel shot Warzog. "God damn it!" Joel yelled.

...

"Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding?" Cartman asked. "'No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like.'" He did a voice for Kenny that sounded nothing like him. But Kenny did nothing as Eric also moved him like a puppet, indicating he didn't care. "Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you." Cartman grabbed Kenny's pudding, and started eating it.

"Hey Kenny. Hey kenny! Kenny? KENNY!" Ellie was irritated by Kenny's unresponsiveness. "Hello children." Chef said, as he walked over. "Hey chef." The children replied. "What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!" Chef asked Eric, noticing his Hitler costume.

"He thinks dressing up as a guy that uses Stormtroopers to oppress people is cool." Ellie said. "Your dressed as Darth Vader." Jack said. "That's different. He didn't do any of the stuff Hitler did. The emperor did." Ellie said. So he's space Hitler then. "Yeah, but Vader's basically space Stallin. Took part in the evils, and changed sides last minute." Jack said. That's close. "Who gives a crap about Stalin!" Ellie shouted. Everyone in the Cold war.

"Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef." The principal said. "Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?" Chef said. "Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?" The principal asked. "Anyway, I hope that you kids are—Daagh!" She noticed Cartman's costume.

"Eric, God bless it, what do you think you're doing?!" The principal asked. "Eating Kenny's pudding while wearing a Hitler costume." Jack said. "Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself." Cartman said. "'That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.'" Cartman did the voice again, while poking Kenny with a fork to make him move around without touching him.

"Where did you get that costume, young man?!" The principal asked. "My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!" Cartman said. Then his mom is either ignorant, or needs to learn to control her child. "Sshh! Oh, God bless America. You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video." The principal dragged him away. "Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational vidy-oo." Kenny bit Cylde. "See. Kenny isn't dead." Ellie said. "No one said he was dead." Jack noted.

...

"Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes. Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers." Mr. Garrison said. "Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes. Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers. Thank you Miss Yothers."

"Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume." Mr. Garrison said. "It's a fucking zombie costume!" Jack yelled. "Shut up Jack, no one is talking to you. Anyway, the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!" Mr. Garrison said. "What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!" Kyle yelled.

"Did these votes get decided in a lucky draw?" Jack yelled. "Shut the fuck up Jack!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "No! Screw you guys, I'm going trick-or-treating!" Jack yelled, as he left. Halloween. The only holiday Jack DOESN'T hate.

"And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children." I have no idea what Stan was wearing. Which is why I've been avoiding talking about him.

...

"Where the hell is Kyle? We don't have all night to wait for him." Cartman is growing impatient. "I bet I'll get more candy than you dude." Stan said. "Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master." Cartman boasted. "No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference." Stan corrected. "Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking." Eric retorted. "Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!" Stan yelled back. "God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!" Cartman yelled.

"Hey dudes." Kyle finally arrived. "Ok. Before we go, we should make sure we aren't missing anything." Ellie said. "Flashlight?" Stan asked. "Check." Eric pulled out the flashlight. "Plastic pumpkin pails?" Stan asked. "Check." Kyle was carrying them. "Taser." Stan activated the taser. "What's that for?" Kyle asked. "For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something." Stan said. "Yeah, granola pisses me off." Eric said.

"Oh, hey Kenny." Ellie noticed Kenny walking over. "Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny." Eric said. There's a reason for that. He's too poor to afford showers. "You still didn't get a costume Kenny?" Kyle asked. "Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire." Cartman said. Kenny did nothing. "I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny! Your family's poor!" Kenny remained silent. "I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate." Eric said.

"Kenny? Are you alive? Are you dead? If I tried to kill you, would your stop me?" Ellie asked. She punched Kenny. "Well, he's brain dead." Ellie answered. "You bastards?" Kyle asked, uncertain of if it was the time or not.

"Hi guys." Wendy decided to join. "Hi Wendy." Eric said. "How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?!" Stan asked. Based on the fact that he didn't puke during that sentance, and sounds pissed off, I'm assuming he's pissed of right now. "Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi." Wendy answered. What the hell? "You what?! Are you insane?!" Cartman yelled. "You don't give candy away to the needy!" Ellie shouted. That's dumb. Really fucking dumb.

"Let's go trick-or-treats." Wendy said. "I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day." Stan said. "Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad." Wen—Wait, Stan's dressed as Raggedy Andy? And it's her fault? That is messed up. "Starving children don't need candy! They need real food!" Ellie ranted. In truth, she was just pissed off that the candy was being eaten by a bunch of starving children less deserving than her.

"Go Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!" Stan yelled. "But Stan—" Wendy said. "No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!" Everyone left Wendy alone. Then she was attacked by a zombie.

...

Leonard and Joel keep shooting everyone that comes near thier house. "God damn! Those Zombies are everywhere!" Leonard said. "Wait, we we're shooting Zombies? We were shooting black people." Joel said. "What? Goddammit, Dad!" Leo yelled. He noticed they were wearing masks. "Those weren't even black people. They were people in Chewbacca costumes." Leonard noted. "What?! I thought they were black." Joel said. "Dad, stop being Racist!" Leonard yelled.

...

"Trick o treat!" Kenny's other arm fell off. "Ohh, how cute." It began attacking the woman. "Holy crap!" Ellie said. "Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!" She shut the door. "Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy." Eric said. "Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops." Stan said. "You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!" Cartman yelled. "How did you do that? What other tricks do you have up your sleeves?" Ellie asked. Kenny said nothing.

...

"Trick or treat!" A man opened the door. "Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies." Kenny began eating him instead. "Aaah! Get it off! Get it off me! Gaaah!" Kenny began ripping out parts of the guy's skull. "That's it. Screw you Kenny, we're leaving you!" Ellie said.

They went to the next house. "Trick or treat." Three KKK members stood before them. "Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too." Eric said. They gave him a piece of candy, because his ghost costume looked like their uniform. "One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!" Cartman yelled. "I don't think they were ghosts." Ellie said.

They moved to the next house. "Trick or t—Ahhh!" Chef came to the door, dual-wielding chainsaws. "Get off my property, you brain eatin' zombie bastards!" Chef yelled. Ellie ran away screaming.

...

As Ellie ran back to her house, she almost got shot. "Damn it Dad, that was Ellie!" Leonard yelled. "Fuck!" Joel yelled. "Why is everyone killing trick or treaters?!" Ellie yelled. "Because some of them are real zombies." Leonard answered.

"Zombies aren't real." Ellie said. "Yes they are. I had to fight an army of Nazi Zombies, and then the government covered the shit up!" Joel yelled. That sounds spin off worthy. "Dad, what the hell are you talking about? I think you need your medicine." Leo asked. "We need to save up on medicine. We don't know how much we'll have in the apocalypse tomorrow if we don't kill the first person that was infected." Joel said. "Wait, I think I know who it is!" Ellie said.

...

Jack walked past Kenny. "Oh, hey Kenny. Why are you eating that guy." Kenny Looked at Jack, then ignored him. "Ok. Bye Kenny." Jack walked away, disturbed.

...

He was walkng home, when he almost got shot. "Holy crap!" Jack jumped behind a car. "God. Damn. It. Dad, why can't you ever shoot at a real zombie for once today." Leo said. "That's not true. I shot all those minority walkers." Joel said. "Goddammit dad!" Leonard yelled.

"What are you talking about?!" Jack asked. "The walking dead! The zombies all over the place, eating people. You didn't see anything?" Joel asked. "I saw Kenny eating a dead guy. And he would't talk to anyone today. And he keeps biting people. Last time I saw him, he looked pissed." Jack said.

"How haven't you been eaten. They pretty much taken over the entire town by now." Joel said. "I saw a bunch of people walking around in zombie costumes. Or a bunch of zombies. But none of them attacked me." Jack replied. "Maybe because your in a zombie costume, they think your a zombie." Ellie said.

Joel killed a black zombie. "We need to cover our selves in zombie blood!" Joel said. "Why did you kill the Black one? The one under this car is closer!" Jack said, pointing to a zombie trapped under a car. "You may not have realized this, but your grandpa is a racist." Leonard explained. "Oh. That makes sense." Jack replied.

"Now to turn the walking dead into the sleeping dead!" Joel made a badass one liner. "No, your going home!" Leo ordered. He walked away with Joel. "Wait, your leaving children to save South Park and potentially the world?" Joel asked. "I can't trust you with either of them." Leo said. The fates, or the children?

...

Ellie shot Kenny in the head with a rifle. Jack repeatedly stabbed the dead body with a knife to confirm it's death. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny! You Bastards!" Kyle yelled. "I kill Kenny all the time! He dies in every episode!" Ellie yelled. Did she just break the fourth wall?

"Oh, what happened? Stan?" Wendy asked, as she reverted to normal. "Wait, she was infected?" Jack asked. Offscreen. "Apparently. Well, we can go home now. Nothing left to see—" Ellie said. Stan puked on Wendy. "Eww, gross Stan! Sick! Barf is gross!" Wendy yelled. Ellie started laughing.

...

"Oh man, I can't believe he's gone." Stan said. "Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us." Kyle said. "He dies every episode!" Ellie yelled. She broke the fourth wall again. "Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way." Cartman said.

"You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving." Stan said. "No, dude, that's Christmas." Kyle said. "Oh, then, what's Halloween about?" Stan asked. "Costume's and candy." Jack answered. "Oh." Stan replied.

"Well, let's go home, start eating that candy." Cartman said. "We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom." Kyle added. "Yeah." Stan said. "Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money." Cartman said. "Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month." Stan said. "I'm pretty sure I saw her on the new one my Grandpa got today." Jack said. "Lehheh, screw you guys!" Cartman said.

Kenny crawled out of his grave, when he suddenly got sucked into a wormhole. "Holy crap!" Ellie yelled. What the fuck? Wormhole?


	8. Attack of the Thanksgiving Turkish

**Me: A lot of stuff is going down this episode! Wish I could make it longer though. At least there's a second chapter, and extension to the "You shouldn't bet on Satan" chapter. I also added a OC submission sheet to my profile a few days ago.**

**Leonard: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for my family!**

...

"Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is? Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison said. "When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?" Cartman said. "Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people." Ellie started laughing.

"A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison said. "You mean, like Kenny?" Stan asked. Are there any other poor people in South Park? "Exactly." Mr. Garrison answered.

"Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?" Cartman asked. Because they don't have refrigerators, and getting expired milk is cheaper than regular milk. "I don't know Eric, they just do." Mr. Garrison answered. "Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people." Mr. Garrison said. Ha! Other poor people.

"I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!" Cartman said.m"Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!" Wendy asked. "Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!" Eric obnoxiously ignored the voice of reason. "This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!" Wendy asked. "I thought this was the one year your supposed to be thankful for not being poor like Kenny." Ellie said. True...

"Thanksgiving is about white supremacy." Jack said. What? "It...It is?" Cartman asked. "Yes. It's about when they slowly took this country from Native Americans." Jack said. Wait, I thought that was Columbus Day. "Thanksgiving is my new favorite holiday!" Cartman said. "That's the most cynical thing I've ever heard about Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison noted.

A wild Turkey army appared. Everyone climbed onto desks. Cylde had his knocked over, while the Turkeys wrecked the classroom. "What the hell just happened?" Jack asked. Did you not here my narration?

...

"Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive. And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn? Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving." Mr. Garrison unpacked a lot of corn.

"I bet if we killed all those turkeys, we would have plenty of food for them." Ellie said, foreshadowingly. "Yeah. If they increase in numbers fast enough." Jack said. I don't like the amount of foreshadowing they're doing right now.

"Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell." Mr. Garrison said. "I hope it isn't a turkey." Jack said. Why? Why would it be a Turkey?

"This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin." Kyle said. Meet Starvin' Marvin, an African Immigrant. "What the hell." Jack slammed his head on his desk. It's not a Turkey. "He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin." Stan said. Look at that. They want him to speak his language.

Marvin grabbed a can of corn. "No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn." Cartman snatched the corn. "This is not going to end well." Jack said, blatantly foreshadowingly.

"Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?" Mr. Garrison asked. "He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch." Stan said. What the hell? "The sports watch from the commercial?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Yeah, that one." Kyle said.

"I want a Starvin' Marvin." Bebe said. What the hell?! "Me too." Cylde said. That's slavery! "Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one." Pip said. You racist little shits! "I swear this happened before." Ellie said. Yeah, in the 1700's.

"Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned." Mr. Garrison said. "This is not going to end here is it." Jack said.

...

"Well, We're finally done with the groceries." Leonard said. Suddenly, the Wild Turkeys destroyed his house. "Nooooooooooo!" He yelled. "Aw goddammit!" Joel said, realizing what just happened.

"Hey, We're ba—Where'd our house go?" Ellie and Jack returned.. "It's gone. We don't have a house anymore." Leonard replied. "Wait, so we're homeless now?" Jack asked. "Considering that our house only has a basement now, yes." Leonard answered. But you could live in the basement. "Aw crap." Ellie said.

...

"Dr. Mephesto! I need your help!" Leonard yelled from the door to the Genetic Engineering Ranch. "Leonard. Joel. I'm glad you are here. Come see this." Dr. Mephesto said. "Woah!" Joel said. Leonard looked into it. "Goddammit dad! This is the wrong slide." Leonard said. "Oh whoops. Now tell me what you see." Joel looked again. "Rapidly Dividing cells." Joel said. he knows what those are? "Rapidly Dividing Turkey cells!" Mephesto corrected.

"What does that mean?" Leonard asked. "Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world." Mephesto answered. How? If they're dividing, should they be shrinking. The Turkey's aren't cells.

"I also need shelter right now, since they destroyed my house." Leonard noted. "Can I get a copy of that last slide?" Joel asked. Leonard facepalmed.

...

The Turkeys began attacking again. This time, the mayor was here to see. "They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about." Mephesto explained. Why doesn't the Mayor listen to warnings.

"Those Turkish bastards destroyed my house!" Joel yelled. "Turkey Bastards, Dad." Leonard corrected. "I know what I said!" Joel shouted.

Suddenly, an army of Turkeys started coming right fot them. "OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!" The mayor yelled. Jimbo and Ned shot the incoming Turkeys. "We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!" Mephesto warned.

...

"At least we have food. We just need to find someplace to eat it." Jack said. "I haven't slept last night. When I don't sleep, I become bored. When I'm bored, I may do things I wouldn't do normally for no reason, like kill Kenny, or beat the shit out of babies." Ellie said. Also, she becomes irritable.

They watched Kenny grab cans. "He keeps dropping them. WHY! The FUCK! Does he keep dropping them!" Ellie ranted. EXTREMELY irritable. "Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family." The mayor said. Kenny held up a can. "It...looks like he got a...a—a can of—string beans_._ Hehe." At least it's not creamed corn.

The sounds of the Turkey army returned. "Aw crap. Here they come." Jack said. The Turkeys charged through and destroyed everything in their way.

"Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your..." Chef was instructing the people, but he stopped while looking at Mephesto'ms freaky companion. "What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?" Chef asked. "That's not important right now." Dr. Mephesto said. "No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything!" Chef said. It looks like a human mixed with god knows what.

"We have Turkeys incoming!" Joel said. "Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry! We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys." Chef said. To

...

Leonard came on a horse. "You people are probably thinking 'we can't beat them. There's too many!'. Well I'm going to say your wrong. I lost everything yesterday. But as long as I breath, I will fight until I have nothing left to lose. Because right now, we don't! Either we fight today, or die tomorrow. There is no other option. They can take my home. They have taken our lives. But they will not take our freedom!" Leonard made an inspirational speach.

"Charge!" Joel shouts, as everyone rushes to the battle. "Stay close children." Chef instructed. Several Turkeys charge at Kenny. "Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!" Stan said. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled. The South Park forces cut through the Turkey army quickly. It was a slaughter. Dead Turkey's everywhere. "The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned." Jimbo ordered. Ned shot all three.

"Finally! They're dead! All of them! Dead!" Leonard yelled. He grabbed the dead leader Turkey and began slamming it on the ground Like Hulk did to Loki in the Avemgers movie. "Leonard! It's dead!" Joel said. Leonard walked away with the leader Turkey, who's body dragged behind him.

"Aw man, they killed Kenny." Jack said. "Yeah. I feel bad for his family. This thanksgiving is just one bad thing after another for them." Ellie noted. Their life is one bad thing after another.

...

"Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen." Kenny's father prayed. The door was knocked on.

"Hey. We kinda don't have a house anymore, so we thought it would be good idea to have a thanksgiving at your house." Leonard said. "Wait, you have food, right?" Mr. McCormick asked. "Yeah. Lots of food. Pretty much all we have is food. Why?" Joel said. "Oh yeah. Poor people. These are poor people." Joel said. Leonard slammed his head on the wall.

...

**Me: The follow up to me thanksgiving chapter. Starts based on a South Park short, but it has completely original stuff I added on at the end.**

**Jay Leno: You know I just flew in to the—**

**Me: Hey, your not supposed to be here!**

**Ellie: Holy crap! That chin is fucking huge!**

**Jay Leno: Great! More of them!**

**Jack: What did I do?!**

**Me: None of you are supposed to be here! Except for Jack. Everyone else, get outa here.**

**Jack: What do I do?**

**Me: read the sign.**

**Jack: What? *sees the sign* Oh. Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for my family. This isn't going to affect me later, is it?**

**Me: probably not.**

...

"Okay, children, let's settle down. We have a very special guest today to tell us all about Thanksgiving. All the way from the pagan state of California, Mr. Jay Leno." Mr. Garrison said. "Hi, young people! Ha hah, it's great to be here. Look, you know, I just flew in to the Denver—" Jay Leno said, interrupted by "Whoa! Check out his chin!" Stan exclaimed. "Yeah, dude!" Kyle said.

Kenny asked a question. "Kenny wants to know if that's your real chin, or if you had a silicone implant." Stan translated. "A-all right, all raght, kids, very funny. Look, believe me, there isn't a chin joke you can tell me that I haven't already heard, okay? So let's just put a stop to that." Jay Leno doesn't find the chin jokes very funny.M"I bet you go through about forty razors when you shave, huh?" Kyle said.

"All right, let's TALK ABOUT Thanksgiving, shall we?" Jay Leno said angrily. "Did you have to check that into 'oversized baggage' on the plane?" Cartman asked. Ellie started laughing. "It's funny because he's oversized baggage!" She said. "AIY!" Cartman yelled.

"Okaayy. That's enough. All right? Now. Does anybody know WHY we celebrate Thanksgiving." Jay Leno said. Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, little boy?" Leno asked. "Do you have to put your chin in a baby chair when you drive?" Eric asked. "Hey! We're talking about Thanksgiving! Come on, kids, I want to know what you children are thankful for this year." Jay Leno snapped.

"I lost pretty much everything I had yesterday. Now I have to live in Kenny's shitty house." Jack said. Kenny yelled something angrily.

"I'm thankful for cable television. Because you can say words like 'I'm all pissed off' and 'kiss my [REDACTED]'" Stan said. "Yeah. And stuff like, 'You're a dick, you bastard!'" Kyle said. "And how about, 'Why don't you- take yer testicles and wrap 'em around yer, yer penis, 'cause you look like a little monkey?!'" Cartman said.

"Whoa whoa, whoa. Mis-Mr. Garrison, you...you let them talk this way in school?" Jay asked. "Oh, I can't control them. The little shitheads say whatever the fuckin' hell they want." Hm, I wonder why? "Now children, let's talk about what we're thankful for, okay. That's what Mr. Big Shot Hollywood is here for." Mr. Garrison said.

"I'm thankful for stuffing and pie." Cartman said. "You would say that, fatass!" Stan shouted. "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!" Cartman defended. "No, Jay Leno's chin is big boned! You are a big fatass!" Stan yelled. "You sonofabitch, I'll kick you in the nuts!" Cartman threatened.

"Hey, Hey! Listen up! I didn't wanna come down here and talk to you foul-mouthed little brats! But those idiots at NBC, those executives, they say cute kids get us big ratings! Do you understand?! You mean money in my pocket! Shut the hell up; you talk about the joys of Thanksgiving, damnit!" Jay Leno yelled.

"Now you, the fat kid!" He said. "Uh-I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." Cartman repeated. "I don't care! Now, what does Thanksgiving mean to you?!" Jay Leno asked. "It symbolizes the Pilgrims' dinner, when they ate with the Indians, who taught them how to plant, and harvest food, and they gave thanks for the food, and for the Indians." Eric said.

"There! Weh-hell, go-good! But but wuh-one little thing, the politically correct term is, 'Native Americans.'" Jay Leno noted. "Whoa! Pilgrims ate Native Americans?!" Stan asked. The hell? "Cool!" Kyle said. Did they listen to Cartman? That's not what he said "No!" Jay yelled. "If the Pilgrims would have had Jay Leno's chin, they could have plowed their fields with it!" Stan made an original Jay Leno chin joke.

"Hey! Ey, that's it! Screw you little bastards, I'm goin' home!" Jay Leno pulled a Cartman. As he walked away, he knocked over a flagpole. The flagpole hit a shelf, which causes a George Washington statue to fall on Kenny. "Oh my God! Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!" Stan said. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. "Oh, who cares! He dies every damn episode! Look, I'm outta here!" Jay Leno said. How would he know that? He's not even in an episode.

He pushed a button on his chin, which makes helicopter rotors come out of it. "I knew that chin was fake!" Jack exclaimed. Yeah, the real thing isn't THAT big.

"Did you hear what Jay Leno said about Kenny dying every episode?" Ellie asked. "The guy has helicopter blades in his chin. He probably isn't sane." Jack said. That's coming from someone who named himself the Only Sane Man on Youtube.

...

The next day, Ellie woke up, in a sleeping bag. She then remembered she was now sharing a room with Kenny's siblings. She left, to check on Jack, who was in Kenny's room. She saw Kenny, was alive again.

When Kenny woke up, he began panicking. "Relax Kenny. I'm not going to do anything." She said. Kenny said something about how usually when he wakes up and see's Ellie, she is trying to kill him. "Why would I want to kill you?" She asked. Kenny explained that for some reason she occasionally realizes that he can't stay dead, then tries to kill him to prove she isn't crazy, then forgets about it entirely and repeats. "Are you sure your not crazy?" Ellie asked. Kenny answered yes.

"Hey, what's going on?" Jack asked, waking up. "Nothing." Ellie answered.

...

"Ok. Apparently, you can't die and I keep killing you when ever I find out." Ellie said. Kenny added that sometimes he gets killed by rats first. "I hate rats. Based on this, we can assume that next time you die, I will forget everything I know." Ellie said.

"Did you know Kenny's family had a TV? I never knew he did!" Jack yelled. Yeah, but it's a shitty TV. They don't get color until a later season, when they upgrade. "Exactly how often do you die?" Ellie asked. Kenny said pretty much everyday. "Ok. Exactly how often do I realize that you keep dying?" Ellie asked. He said whenever she sees him die multiple times.

"I think I have a idea of how to find out how you keep coming back to life. The only problem with it is that you have to die for it to work, which means I probably will forget to do my part." Ellie said. "I would have to figure out how you come back to life after you die, but by then, I'll probably have forgotten you keep dying to find out myself." She explained. Kenny said he didn't want to try it. "It's only the last resort plan for if you die somehow. But if you die and I don't see it, maybe I won't forget. I think me seeing you die is connected to whether or not I remember." Ellie said.

Ellie walked over to Jack. "Did you know Kenny dies several times?" Ellie asked. "I don't care." Jack said. He's said that before.

...

The next day, Kenny woke up after being killed in a car accident. He went to see if Ellie's plan worked. "Kenny? What time is it?" She asked. Kenny asked what happened to her. "I was trying to stay awake. I can't remember why." Ellie said. Kenny left, pissed off.


	9. Kyle's Christmas Poop

**Me: Happy Holodays! It's a pre-Christmas special! Because I'm working on a Christmas special, but don't want to give it to you yet. Because It's not based on an episode, so I have to work harder on it.**

**Mr. Hankey: Howdy-Ho!**

**Me: What the fuck? Oh right. It's you. I forgot what you look like in person.**

**Mr. H: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own South Park, any of the songs in this chapter, or anything else in this fanfic that isn't one of his OCs. I should also warn you that Eric Cartman's song includes alot of [REDACTED].**

**Me: Wait, the [REDACTED] shouldn't started yet!**

...

"Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?" Mr. Garrison wasn't pleased with how the practice for the Christmas play was turning out. "Sorry." Kyle said. "And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains." Mr. Garrison shouted. What would she know about Pregnacy?

"Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Kyle's mom yelled, as she entered. I'm guessing her period is in affect. "Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head." Mr. Garrison answered. "How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!" Sheila asked. "So?" Mr. Garrison didn't see her point. "So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?" Sheila asked. "Because it's Christmas." Mr. Garrison replied.

"Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas!" Sheila shouted. "Wow. That has to suck." Jack said. Even some nonchristian's celebrate Christmas. That's how powerful Commercialism is. It took the religion out of CHRISTmas. "Oh God, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?" Mr. Garrison asked. That's racist. "Whatwhatwhaaat?! You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!" Sheila is triggered.

"Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!" Cartman said. "Shut up, fat boy!" Kyle yelled. "I'm not fat, I'm festively plump." Cartman said. "Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Oh kay, Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?" Mr. Garrison asked. "How about the dreidel song, bubbe?" Sheial asked. We're gonna have to wait a few seasons to see that. "I can sing the Mr. Hankey song." Kyle answered. The fuck? "Oh god, no!" Jack ran away.

"The Mr. Hankey song? How does that go?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo; he loves me and I love y—" Kyle sang. "Christmas Poo?" Stan interrupted. "What the hell is Christmas Poo?" Cartman asked. "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?" Kyle asked. "Kyle, that is enough!" Sheila shouted. "See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan." Mr. Garrison noted.

"Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison." Sheila declared. She's triggered again. "Can you get Eric Cartman removed from this school while your at it?!" Jack asked. So, he's back.

"You guys, look! It's snowing!" Wendy said. Everyone ran outside. "Like you've never seen it snow before." Jack noted. There's snow most of the series. "Whoa, Christmas snow!" Stan said. As opposed to Hanukkah snow. "Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue. It's fun." Wendy said. Everyone began doing it. When Kenny tried, a bird pooped on him. "That was sick, dude!" Stan noted. Ellie laughed at Kenny's misfortune.

Kyle was about to catch a snowflake. "AEY! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!" Cartman said. How do you know it isn't Hanukkah snow? Don't be snow racist. "We can, too!" Kyle said. Is it Illegal? "Naw, I think it's against the law, dude." Stan said. Oh shit, it might be.

"Officer Barbrady!" Kyle shouted. "What?" Barbrady arrived as soon as he was called. He's like Lavernius Tucker. He knows where he's needed. "Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?" Kyle asked. Barbrady thought for a second. "Yes." He answered. "Dammit!" Kyle shouted. "Yeah, I think it was something about having to celebrate Christmas to eat snow." Ellie noted. That is probably accurate, since anything else would be too descriminatory.

"Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas." Stan said. "Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents." Cartman said. "No. But I get Channukah presents for eight days." Kyle said. That's a week and a day! "Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that." Cartman said. True...

"We'll catch up with you later, Kyle." Stan said. "Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo." Kyle said. What is that? "Oh my god! I swear to god, if I hear that song again, I am going to kill someone!" Jack yelled, foreshadowingly. Everyone stared at him.

"What's a Christmas Poo?" Ellie asked. "Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet." Kyle explained. That sounds disgusting. "Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now." Cartman warmed. "Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!" Kyle said. "But Santa doesn't give Jewish people rides." Ellie noted. Only the ones that celebrate Christmas. "See you around, dude." Stan left, with everyone else.

...

"Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down." The mayor said. "Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!" A Jewish woman explained. "No! Wrong!" A crowd shouted.

"What's going on, you guys?" Kyle asked. "The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet." Stan explained.

"That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!" Sheila noted. "You are the Jewish community!" Mr. Garrison pointed out the bias of their argument.

"Oh, boy! Superbitch is at it again!" Cartman shouted. "Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

"Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!" The priest yelled. But then what is there left? The commercialism took over the holiday.

"And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!" Some treehugger added. "And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it." Jimbo said. I don't think that's what they're for.

"Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas." The mayor said. "Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?" Kyle suggested. "Excuse me?" The mayor asked.

"Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet." Kyle said. "Oh my god!" Jack is triggered. "It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. _Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo_—" Kyle sang. Jack punched Kenny, sending him into a wall behind the mayor. "Oh my god! He killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. Jack wasn't joking!

Kenny tried to get up. "Oh my god! He almost killed Kenny!" Stan corrected himself. Kenny tried to call Jack a bastard, but he passed out. Since it was before the count of ten, Jack wins the impromtu boxing match Kenny was entered in without warning.

"Someone call an ambulance!"

...

"I can't believe you killed Kenny." Leonard said. "I didn't kill him; I put him in the hospital, and then the doctor's accidentally killed him." Jack explained. The hospital isn't very compentant when it comes to saving people.

"That's not the point! We almost got kicked out of their house. It's a good thing the McCormick's are dirt poor or we wouldn't have a home right now!" Leonard yelled. "Why don't you just buy a knew house with the money you didn't lose?" Jack asked. "Because I used most of it for your presents, which I may have to sell if you don't learn to control yourself." Leonard answered. That's poor use of money.

"It's not my fault. He kept talking about that dumb Christmas crap. I swear to god, if I hear that song again I'll kill someone!" Jack said. "Why are you so angry?" Leo asked. "I. Hate. Christmas." Jack answered. "Well, then you can go help the mayor decide what is offensive or not. That should be a good punishment." Leo said. Mostly to get out of having to do it himself.

...

"Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!" The mayor said. "Is mistletoe offensive?" Jimbo asked. "Is anyone offended by mistletoe?" The mayor asked. Jack raised his hand. "Lose the mistletoe!" The mayor ordered. Jack suddenly got an idea.

...

"You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!" Stan announced. "How do you know?" Cartman asked. "'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night." Stan answered. "Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000." Cartman replied. "Uh, I don't think that's yours." Jack warned. "Why?" Cartman asked. "Just trust me on this." Jack said. How does he know these things?

"Hello, everybody." Kyle said, as he walked over with a box. "What's in the box, dude?" Stan asked. "It's a surprise." Kyle said. "Let me see!" Everyone gathered around the box. "Oh ok, but don't scare him." Kyle opened the box. "Dude, sick!" Stan yelled. The box had a peice of poop in it. "Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?" Cartman asked. "That's disgusting." Jack said.

"Wait! You guys! He's alive!" Kyle said, shaking the box. "Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep." Stan warned. "Come on, dance! Dance! Dance, damn you!" Kyle yelled, shaking the poo in his hands. "If you need me, I'll be helping the mayor." Jack said, as he left.

...

"Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?" Everyone was. "Here we go: Christ." There were three beeps. "Okay. Cherub." No one did anything. "Camel." There was no result. "Sad." Still nothing. "Stupid Wop Dago." Everyone beeped.

...

"Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Mayor's orders." The janitor confirmed. "Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus." Mr. Garrison explained. "Thanks to Kyle's mother." Cartman noted. "Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle said. "Yeah. The Jews only got rid of Christ. The Christians got Santa dragged with him." Ellie reminded. So basically, they threw them under the bus, but Kyle's mom was the driver.

"So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs." Mr. Garrison asked. Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, Eric?" Mr. Garrison said. "How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a Stupid [REDACTED]', in D minor." Cartman suggested. "I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle shouted. Ordinarily we would skip a song, but this time...

_"__O_-ho. _Weeeeeeeeeellll_  
_Kyle's mom is a [REDACTED],  
she's a big fat [REDACTED],  
she's the biggest [REDACTED] in the whole wide world  
She a stupid [REDACTED],  
if there ever was a [REDACTED],  
she's a [REDACTED] to all the boys and girls."_

"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

__Monday she's a [REDACTED],  
on Tuesday she's a [REDACTED],  
on Wednesday to Saturday she's a [REDACTED],  
Then on Sunday, just to be different,  
she's a super King Kamehameha [REDACTED]!__

Everyone (except Kyle) started clapping.

___Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  
She's the biggest [REDACTED] in the whole wide world.  
She's a mean ole [REDACTED] 'cause she has stupid hair,  
she a [Long cluster {REDACTED} bomb]  
she's a stupid [REDACTED]!  
Kyle's mom's a [REDACTED] and she's just a dirty [REDACTED]!  
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A [Really long REDACTED]!"___

Suddenly, the poop from Kyle's box flew into Cartman's face. "What the?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Gross, Kyle!" Cartman yelled. "Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Uuuuuh." Was all Kyle could say. "YOU SICK BASTARD!" Cartman yelled. Ellie started laughing._  
_

...

"Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy. So Ellie, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?" Mr. Garrison asked. Wasn't that Kenny's job? "Why can't Kenny do it?" Ellie asked. "Because your brother killed him, remember." Stan reminded. Oh yeah. I 'member.

Ellie walked over. "Careful now, Ellie, those are very, very dangerous." Ellie pulled on the cords. "I think it's stuck. I can't get it out." That's what she said. They suddenly came off. "Oh, never mind." Ellie said.

"No! Get away from me!" Mr. Mackey ran in screaming. "Here! Just look more closely at it!" Kyle begged. "No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, mkay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! Mkay?" Mr. Mackey ordered.

...

Kyle was taken to a mental asylum. Or someplace like that. It happened offscreen, during my lunch break. "Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on?" Mr. Garrison asked. Leotards? What gay ass shit is this? "I did it! I saved Christmas." Jack announced. "And you have no idea what to do." Ellie noted. "I just helped make Christmas non-offensive and earned extra credit for it from Mr. Mackey. I don't care about the play." Jack said. What? He killed Kenny and gets extra credit? The fuck?

"Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday—" The announcer was interupred. "Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians." Someone yelled. "Oh, come on!" Jimbo shouted. "Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!" The guy yelled. "Your overreacting." Leonard said.

"Oh Brother. Jack, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?" Mr. Garrison asked. Jack walkedtowards the ladder. "And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Jack, the shark for the third act is in there." Mr. Garrison warned. "Why do we have a shark!" Jack asked. "Quiet. You'll ruin the surprise." Ellie shushed him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef." Chef is on first.

_"__I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log_  
_I'm gonna love you right_  
_Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls_  
_And silence your nights_

_You'll hear the herald angels sing_  
__When I'm sliding off your bra_  
_I just can't wait to jingle your bells_  
_and falala your love...__

"Oh crap!" Jack almost fell off with the ladder, after pulling out the star. "That was close." He noted. Almost landed in the shark tank. Would've ruined the holidays. "And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!" The play was really stupid and confusing. I have no idea what it was supposed to be, much less how to describe it to you. Watch the fucking episode already!

"What the hell is this? This is horrible!" Sheila said. "This is what happens when you try to change Christmas. You fucked it up!" Joel explained. "All you bastards ruined Christmas!" Some treehugger yelled. Everyone began who's fault it was.

"What the hell?" Jack asked. "Look at what you did. You ruined Christmas!" Ellie said. "Yeah. This is the worst Christmas I have ever seen." Stan said. "I think it's the best one I've seen in my whole life." Jack replied. The fuck.

"Say, where's Kyle." Chef asked. "We committed him." Stan replied. "What? Why?" Chef asked. "'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went." Cartman answered. "Chirstmas poo? You y-you mean Mr. Hankey." Chef asked. He's real?

...

_One advertisment later..._

"This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!" Stan said. "Yeah. I couldn't have changed Christmas if you people didn't believe." Jack noted. He still doesn't care.

"Well! You can believe in him now." Chef said. "I'm an atheist. I don't beleive in shit." Jack replied. Literally. "I believe." Stan said. "I believe in Mr. Hankey." Wendy said. Mr. Hankey came out of a shoe box. "[REDACTED]!" Jack shouted.

"Hoooowwwwwdy-ho! Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery." Mr. Hankey said. "God. Damn. It." Jack grumbled. "Howdy-ho, Chef!" Mr. Hanley said. "Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey." Chef said.

"Fuck this. I'm out." Jack left. "Yeah. Screw this, I'm goin' home! Talking poo is where I draw the line!" Cartman followed.

...


	10. Ellie's Christmas Timeparadox

**Me: Another pre-Christmas special! This one is introducing the guy from my avatar image. He will be a recurring character. It also introduces some of the extended family of the Henderson's.**

**Rachael Hendeson: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own the rights to any South Park characters, or any other characters mentioned in this chapter. He does own the rights to all of his original characters, and any other original content in this story. Any unnamed characters in this chapter are not licensed to anyone.**

**Me: Well said. You could have read the sign I have up there though. I leave it there for a reason.**

...

"Good news!" Leonard said. "We have enough money to rebuild our house?" Ellie asked. "No." Leo said. "I don't have to deal with Christmas crap tomorrow." Jack asked. He means Mr. Hankey. "No." Leo repeated. "You found your exwife?" Joel asked. "No!" Leo yelled.

"We're going to Nebraska for Christmas." Leo explained. "You mean with aunt Rachael?" Jack asked. "Yes." Leo said. "Dammit." Jack said. He doesn't like Nebraska. "Hey! Your going to go, are we're all going to be happy about it!" Leo ordered. "I'm just happy we aren't staying in Kenny's house. Their TV doesn't even have color." Ellie noted. It's not until a later season that they upgrade.

...

"And here we are." Leo said. "I hate this place." Jack noted. "Hey! Where's Rachael?" Joel asked. Ha! Dark Knight refrence. "She doesn't get here until ten." Leo explained. "It is ten." Jack noted. Huh. "Until Ten in the afternoon." Leo corrected.

"So how do we get in?" Ellie asked. "I have a key." Leo amswered. The moment he opened the door, Ellie rushed in and grabbed the TV remote off of a table. "I missed color TV so much!" Ellie exclaimed. When she used it, nothing happened. "That's the DVR remote." Jack explained. Ellie looked at the many remotes on the table. "Which one is the TV remote?" She asked.

"I'm going to take a nap or something." Leo said. Joel entered the kitchen, and opened the fridge. "Hey, there's no beer in here!" Joel shouted. "Good, because your not supposed to be drinking!" Leo yelled.

Ellie turned the TV on. "Aw man. None of the stations are on the same channels. Not even the the news!" Ellie said. Yeah, that happens in some states. "You have fun figuring out the channels." Jack said. "Wait! You were here before. You know the channels right?" Ellie asked. "Yeah." Jack answered. "Help me find something to watch." Ellie said. "No." Jack said coldly.

"Why are you always so mean around Christmas time? It's [REDACTED] Christmas!" Ellie asked. "I hate Christmas." Jack replied. "Hate Christmas? You mean like Scrooge?" Ellie asked. "I already saw that movie. I hated it." Jack said. "Why are you being such a dick?" Ellie asked. Jack ignored her.

...

Ellie fell off the couch, waking her up. "Ow! Fucking hell!" She decided to go eat cereal. As she was eating it, while continuing her original goal of figuring out the tv channels, she noticed all their bags were moved. She went to see Jack, to try and convince him to help her, only to find that Jack wasn't in the house.

"Dad! Where is Jack?" Ellie asked. Leo looked at her confused. "What Do you mean?" Leo asked. "Where is he?" She asked. "I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't." Leonard said. A kid older than Jack walks into the room. "Who is that?" Ellie asked. "Haha. Hilarious." The kid said sarcastically. "Seriously, who is he?" Ellie repeated.

"Incase when you fell off the couch, you lost memory or something, that is your other brother Troy." Leo explained. Troy started watching Terrance and Phillip. "Can we watch something else." Ellie asked. "No." Troy answered. "Why?" Ellie asked. "You want to change it, just take the remote." Troy said. "That's not fair. I don't know any of the channels." Ellie noted. "That's your problem." Troy replied.

Ellie see's her uncle Miles in another room. "Ok, something is wrong." Ellie said. "What do you mean?" Leo asked. "Troy is supposed to missing, Jack is supposed to be here, and uncle Miles is supposed to be in prison." She explained.

"No, I was almost framed by that fatass Cartman." Miles corrected. "You almost got framed by a fat kid?" Ellie asked. "Kid? The fat bastard is older than I am!" Miles ranted. "She thought you were talking about Eric Cartman from South Park." Troy explained. Did he break the fourth wall? "Oh. Ohh. Ohhh." Miles said.

"I think she may have hit her head too hard." Joel noted, sipping from some beer can he apparently found. "You're not supposed to have beer!" Ellie yelled. "I can drink beer, cause I'm a century old." Joel responded. "No, there isn't supposed to be any beer here! Something is messed up!" Ellie shouted. Roll credits.

Suddenly, time froze. For everyone except Ellie. "I go through work to change the timestream, so you aren't a threat and yet, you regain your memories to do so. You are becoming more than a nuisance." A deep voice said. "Who the hell are you?" Ellie asked. "I don't need you knowing more than you already do." The voice said.

Ellie was sucked through a wormhole.

...

She reappeared in an empty space. "What the hell?" Ellie said. She began walking around the place. Eventually, she found some a boy wearing a black hoodie. "Who are you?" Ellie asked. "A failure." The boy answered.

"What did you do wrong?" Ellie asked. "I was supposed to stop some kid from stealing some kind of advanced high tech gauntlet with dangerous powers." The kid explained. "And what happened?" Ellie asked. "I underestimated him. Because of my failure to recognize what he was capable of, he can now change time itself. He left me in this place, which exists outside of time and reality. Trapped here, to think about my failure for an eternity." He explained. That sounds spinoff worthy.

"Why am I here?" Ellie asked. Red vs Blue's million dollar question. "He altered time to nullify every future threat to him. You either posed some kind of threat to his plan, or he plans to use you in the future." The kid answered. I'm guesing the first one. "I think it's because I was remembering some stuff from before he changed everything." Ellie noted. "Probably. The only other person who's memories weren't effect was Kenny McCormick, but he didn't consider him a threat. Probably because he dies in most timelines." The kid said.

"Is there a way out of here?" Ellie asked. "It's a space of infinite emptiness. I used to have time travel tech that could help, but he took it from me." The kid explained. "So we can't do anything?" Ellie asked.

"Technically I can't. But I have a trick up my sleeve." The kid said. A hologram appeared. "I can't send my self out of here, at least not without literally losing mind. But I can send your mind into my body while I do it." The kid said. That doesn't make sense. How can he do that.

"What do I need to do?" Ellie asked. "Your being sent in my body to the point when he arrived. You have to stop him then." The kid said. "How am I supposed to stop him?" Ellie asked. "You need to recreate the timeline that you remember. It's a good thing he didn't think putting every threat to his plans in one place was a bad idea." The kid said. He started glowing. "We will meet again." The kid noted.

...

Ellie fell into dumpster in the body of the kid she met earlier. "Ow! God damn it!" Ellie yelled. She climbed out and fell onto the ground. "Ow! [REDACTED]!" She yelled. She saw her reflection in a puddle in front of her, and remembered she was now in the kid's body.

"This feels kinda wierd." She said. The hologram reappeared. "Please refrain from touching yourself." The hologram warned. "What the hell!?" Ellie exclaimed. "I am a cybernetic implant your head. More accurately, the head of the body you are borrowing." The hologram explained.

"Ok. So what do I do?" Ellie asked. "You need to go to the location where he first altered the timestream. That would be in South Park, Colorado." The hologram said. "Why there?" Ellie asked. "Most of the people who threaten his plans either live there, or have children of people who will threaten him." The hologram said. "Ok. So what do I fix first?" Ellie asked.

...

"Why are we at Cartman's house?" Ellie asked. "The timeline was altered to prevent Eric Cartman from being born." The hologram said. "You sure we can't leave him?" Ellie asked. "Eric Cartman has to be born. If Eric Cartman does not become the most disliked person in South Park other than Phillip Pirrup and Leopoldt Stotch, This will lead to it being Cylde Donovan. If this happens to Cylde Donovan, he will become a worse person than Eric Cartman, and an ally of our enemy." The hologram explained. That's one hell of a butterfly effect. "Somehow, I doubt that is possible." Ellie said. "Slight changes can lead to bigger ones." The hologram explained.

"What do I have to do?" Ellie said. "Leave this invitation to the 10th annual drunken barn dance. The rest should solve itself." The hologram said, teleporting an invitation to her hands.

"What year are we in?" Ellie asked. "We are currently over a decade before you were removed from time." The hologram answered. That was not a proper answer.

Ellie left the invitation. "So where to next?" Ellie asked. "The home of Kenny McCormick. We need to leave an invite to the cult of Chtulu. Just tell them that they serve free beer, the rest will solve itself." The hologram said. Seems easy enough

...

After correcting instances in which affected her friends histories by sending there parents to various locations, Ellie now had to correct Jack's existence. She entered her a house she didn't recognize. "Whose house is this?" Ellie asked. "It is yours. This is where your family lived when you were younger." The hologram answered. "Cool. What do I have to do here?" Ellie asked.

"It's more complicated than the other tasks. You need to make sure your mother disappears." The hologram said. "Why?" Ellie asked. "Her disappearence influences the rest of your family. They know nothing of why, and devote years to finding out why. This is part of why you don't know Troy in your timeline." The hologram explained.

Ellie got knocked out of the house, and into a car. "You don't know when to quit." The guy with the deep voice was back. "I don't know how you escaped, but I put you in the Void once, and I can do it again. I know all of you too well for you to beat me." And apparently he is a kid the same age as the one Ellie found in the Void, as he called it.

His gauntlet/claw thing began glowing. It created a vortex which began pulling Ellie away from him. She grabbed the gauntlet/claw and pulled it off his arm. She put it on, and used it to stop the vortex.

"Impossible! Unless...You switched minds with a Henderson. Clever. That must be how you escaped. Well, I won't make the same mistake twice." The kid said. So he isn't the deep voice person yet. Time travel is weird. "You won't get the chance." Ellie said. She punched him in the face, knocking him out.

"With the Claw, I can reset time to before it was used." The hologram said. "Doesn't that mean this will happen again?" Ellie asked. "No. The past will be reset, but the future hasn't. To make sure, he will be left in the Void, outside of space and time, to prevent him from doing this again." The hologram answered. "Good, because I feel really tired." Ellie noted, before passing out.

...

Ellie woke up on the couch. She could not tell if any of what happened was a dream or not. When Ellie turned on the TV, she decided to put the TV on the only channel she recognized at the time. It was running a Terrence and Phillip marathon. "I thought you hated that show." Leonard said. "I still do, but this is the only channel I recognize." Ellie said.

...

"So everything is corrected?" The kid Ellie borrowed's body asked. He was in a place outside of time. "Wrong." The hologram said. "A single change remained." It explained, as images of Ellie's mother not disappearing were played inside the kids head.

"So what's one change going to do?" The kid asked. "A small change can lead to bigger ones." The AI repeated.

"You took dangerous risks giving a six-year old Ellie Henderson control of your body." Wait a minute! You let her change the future. "I took a calculated risk." The kid replied. "You miscalculated. She stopped the current threat, but now we have a bigger one." The hologram showed an apocalyptic future. One Jack Henderson was the cause of.


	11. Jack's Christmas Carol

**Me: The Christmas special. Well, half of it. Joel and Leo show up in the other.**

**Miles Henderson: Uh, anon...Anoni...Anonymous Fanz... Does not own... any South Park...Car...Characters...mentioned in the...story. He only owns...My family. *passes put***

**Me: someone had to much alcohol.**

...

Jack walks into the kitchen to get lunch. "Hey! Are there any cookies or something? I haven't had any since the house got destroyed." Ellie said. "Yeah." Jack said. "Can you get me some?" Ellie asked. "No." Jack said. "What?! Why?" Ellie asked. Jack walked over to a table, carrying a sandwich. "Why are you always a dick on Christmas?" Ellie asked. "It started several years ago." Jack said.

...

_Five years ago, at the end of a normal school day._

_"Kyle, you can't go to the Christmas party. Your a Jew!" Cartman said. "What's going on?" I asked. "Kyle says he's going to the Christmas Party next week, but he can't, because he's a Jew." Cartman answered. "So?" I asked. "Jew's don't celebrate Christmas." Cartman said. "Why?" I asked. "Because we don't believe in Christ." Kyle said. "So? I don't believe in Christ, but I celebrate Christmas every year." I said. "That doesn't make any sense." Cartman said. "Isn't Christmas about giving to others?" I asked. "No!" Both answered. __"It's about receiving." Cartman said. "No, it's about the conceiving of Christ." Kyle said. "Ok, now you guys are just making me really confused." I said. Kyle and Cartman began arguing what Christmas was about. _

...

"And that's why you hate Christmas?" Ellie asked. "No. Let me finish my story!" Jack yelled.

...

_We started asking other people what Christmas was about. "Butters, wha do you think is Christmas about?" Cartman asked. "Uh, well I think Christmas is about giving to others." Butters said. "What are you talking about? Christmas is about the conceiving of Jesus Christ." Some guy from the Church said. "No, it's about getting gifts!" Grandpa yelled. "I thought it was about being together with your family." Some woman said. And the n people started gathering, arguing over the meaning of Christmas. Eventually, the police came to stop them from hurting people. "Alright, everyone calm down! W__hat are you all arguing about!" Dad yelled._

_"They don't realize Christmas is about the conceiving of Christ." One guy said. People started arguing again. "What?! Your arguing over the meaning of Christmas? Incase you haven't realized, some people don't celebrate Christmas, and celebrate some other holidays. Like the Jews with Chanukah. It doesn't matter if some one is celebrating for different reasons for you. What matters is that you both respect each other's beliefs, and don't try to force them on each other. That's why the saying Happy Holidays exists. So you can say the same thing to people, no matter what they belie__ve in." Dad said. _

_"So what is Christmas about?" I asked. "It's about three things. The birth of Christ, family, and giving to others." Leonard said. "Aw, god damn it!" Cartman said. "What?" Dad asked. "He was the only one who was wrong." I said._

_..._

"I still don't understand." Ellie noted. "I don't like Christmas, because it doesn't have any true meaning. Everyone is getting excited and celebrating for the wrong reasons. It's not because of the meaning of a holiday. It's just because of what they DO on that holiday." Jack explained. "Wait, isn't that the same thing as Halloween?" Ellie asked. "Yeah. Except people don't make a big deal about Halloween." Jack answered.

...

"There is so much wrong with Santa. First of all, his name is remixed from SATAN. Second, I'm pretty sure he rapes kids in their sleep. Third, he basically breaks into people's homes, which is illegal. Fourth—" Ellie fell asleep while Jack was still ranting about Christmas.

Leonard returned, with Rachael Henderson. "Jack! You've grown bigger since I last saw you." Rachael said. "I grow bigger every day. That goes with out saying." Jack replied. "Yeah, he does this every Christmas." Leonard noted. "Well, tomorrow, we're opening presents, so I hope you sleep well." Rachael said.

...

Jack woke up, to see a The kid Ellie met in the Void, but he was now transparent.. "Who the hell are you, and why are you here?" Jack asked. "Yeah, I'm here to try and help you stop being a dick every Christmas of your life." He answered.

"Nope! I'm not doing this." Jack shouted. "What?" The other kid asked. "Charles Dickens "a Christmas Carol". Next thing I know, the three Ghosts of Christmas are going to be here." Jack said. "No. This is different." The kid promised. "How?" Jack asked.

"Well first, I came from the future, not the past. Second, you don't know who I am, unlike that other guy, the one that knew Scrooge. I don't remember that part of the story well." The kid explained. "I don't care." Jack replied. "Third, I'm not a ghost." The kid finished. "I don't care." Jack repeated. "Let's just go." The kid said.

...

He teleported them to the past Christmas Jack explained to Ellie. "Look at that angry mob you helped start." The kid said. "You used to like Christmas. What happened?" He asked.

"I liked giving presents. But that was before I realized how much people suck." Jack answered. "Is it really about other people?" He asked. "Yes, it is." Jack answered. "Is it?" He asked again. "Yes. It. Is." Jack repeated.

...

Jack was now at a post office, somewhere. A kid wearing an orange hooded jacket had three presents shipped to Jack's old house. "Who is that?" Jack asked. "Troy Henderson. Your older brother." He said.

Jack attempted to run to him, but he was grabbed by the other kid, then they teleported to the remains of his old home's basement. "What the hell?!" Jack yelled. "If you speak to him, you could cause some changes in the timeline that you may regret. Troy has to remain lost for a reason." The kid said.

"Fuck you...Who ever you are." Jack said. "Jacob. My name is Jacob." He said. "I don't care!" Jack said. "Your just dragging me all over the place, for what? Why are you doing this? Why is it so important to you that I don't hate Christmas?" Jack asked. "I can't tell you because it involves future stuff, but it is important. I mean really important! I'm trying to stop something from happening." Jacob said.

"This is another reason I hate Christmas. Everyone expects me to suddenly 'be a nice person' for a few days. I don't get why? Why?!" Jack said. "I can't tell you. I Have to show you." Jacob said.

...

Jack was brought to the apocalyptic future. "This is what happens if you remain a cynical little bastard. You destroy the earth, and most of humanity." Jacob said. "Maybe I should." Jack replied. "Why?" Jacob said. "Because Humans don't deserve to live. They massacre, manipulate, molest, and mutilate everything they touch. They're all selfish bastards motivated by self-interest. Even when they're nice to other people, it's because it makes them feel better. They think they're the greatest thing that exists. That's because they destroy everything else." Jack ranted.

Jacob realized he was only making Jack more cynical, and increasing the chances of this apocalyptic future. "Forget it. All of this." Jacob erase Jack's memory of this adventure.

...

Jack woke up. The first thing he did was go eat cereal. "Jack, you are probably the only person on the planet that doesn't open their presents, first thing in the morning." Ellie noted. "I don't care." Jack repeated.

"Now that Jack's here, I can open them right?" Ellie asked. "Wait until he's done with his cereal first." Leo said. As soon as Jack was done, Ellie began ripping open her presents.

Someone began knocking on the door. "Who is it?" Leo asked. "I'm back." Miles said. "Miles? What the hell?" Leo asked. "They released him, because he was proven not guilty." Rachael said. "Why didn't you tell me?" Leo asked. "Because I wanted it to be a surprise." She answered.

"I also bought some presents. Cost me a lot of money." Miles said. "Where did you get money?" Leo asked. "Rachael sued the crap out of some police officers because they arrested me without any evidence linking me directly to the crime." Miles said. Then why did they arrest him?

"I could use some right now. My house was wrecked last thanksgiving. I'm stuck renting a garage belonging to some poor family that makes money off poorer people renting said garage." Leo noted. Leonard asking Miles for money is rare. "Sure, I can give you some, but I used most of it on the presents. I got twenty-something dollars or so left." Miles replied. Miles having money is rarer.

"Why don't I ever get cool stuff." Ellie asked, after opening all her presents. "If I got a Christmas list, like I usually do each year, I would have been able to help you with that." Miles replied. "All he got was stuff from the list we sent him last year." Jack explained.

"Well the important part is that we're all here as a family." Leo said. "Dad, can you take a photo of us all together?" Miles asked. "Sure." Joel said. He was given a camera, which he began messing with as soon as it was in his hands. "Press the big button to take the picture." Miles said. Joel just pressed it. "Your supposed to wait until we say cheese." Rachael said. "Don't tell me how to take a photo! If you wanted it done right, you should have taken it yourself." Joel ranted.

"Cheese!" Joel took the photo again. "Well that looks much better." Leo said. "Except Jack isn't smiling." Rachael said. "He's a lost cause. Don't bother him." Leo said. "Yeah. I've been trying for almost ten years. It's a waste of time." Miles said. As everyone left, Jack grabbed the photo. And for the first time For as long as he could remember, he smiled.


	12. Gambling with the fate of the world

**Me: It's time to celebrate Eric Cartman's birthday!**

**Cartman: Kickass! Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the Hendersons.**

**Me: I also have a new image of Jack for this story up.**

**Cartman: Why isn't it an image of meah!**

**Me: because everyone knows what you look like.**

...

"Here you go, Kyle...And here's yours, Stan..." Eric said. "What is this, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend." Cartman explained.

"Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?" Stan asked. "Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu-bubu-birthday..." Cartman said. "Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever." Kyle added. "That's right!" Cartman said.

"Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass, too." Stan said. "That's ri—AYE!" Cartman yelled. It is a true fact.

"Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation." Pip said. "Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation—Oh! I remember!" Eric said. "I shoved it up my ass! Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!" Cartman said. That's a waste of paper.

"Here's yours, Wendy...and here's yours, Clyde..." Cartman continued handing out invitations. "Children, children! Today is a very special day." Mr. Garrison announced. It isn't Cartman's birthday yet, and Mr. Garrison wouldn't care if it was. Something is up.

"Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate...uh—uh, what's your name again?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Damian." The new kid said, with fire literally in his eyes.

"Say 'hi' to Damien! And where are you from, Damien?" Mr. Garrison asked. "The seventh layer of hell!" Damien amswered. "Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama." Mr. Garrison isn't listening. He's only pretending to. Damian jumped onto Mr. Garrison's desk, just so he could kick a apple off of it. Like a dick.

"My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!" Damien announced. "Your father?" Mr. Garrison asked. "The Prince of Darkness!" Damien yelled. "Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era." Mr. Garrison is only hearing every fifth word.

"This town get's wierder everyday." Jack noted. "Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass..." Mr. Garrison started teaching stuff that the school ordinarily wouldn't approve. "Ugh. I wish something would happen." Ellie said.

"Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?" Cartman asked. "Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of—" Damien rambled. "Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?" Cartman said.

Damien flipped Cartman's desk, and threw it out the window. With his mind. "Whoa dude!" Stan exclaimed. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled. "Damn, what a freak!" Kyle shouted. "Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!" Cartman yelled. "Now feel the wrath of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye." Damien cursed Cartman. I think.

"Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?" Mr. Garrison asked. Ellie started laughing. Her chair suddenly rose, and slammed down. "OW, fuck!" Ellie fell out of the chair, and passed out.

...

"Holy crap!" Jack yelled. "What happened? I fell asleep!" Ellie woke up, after being knocked out hours ago. "Damien turned Kenny into a Beaver-Duck thing!" Cylde explained. "A platypus." Jack corrected. "Crap. That sucks." Ellie said.

"Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!" Damien yelled, as he sent stuff flying all over the place. "Hey, my milk!" Jack shouted. "Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!" Damien yelled. "Aw crap." Jack said.

...

Ellie, Cylde, and Wendy are gathered by Cartman so he can explain something. "Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... he-uh, will be given by Jack, who is now invited." Cartman explained.

"Jack! Come here!" Ellie shouted. "What?" Jacl asked. "You have been invited to my Birthday party, because Kenny was turned into a duck-billed platypus." Cartman explained. "Oh, that's cool." Jack said. "I need you to buy the Mega Man beach house, as my present." Cartman gave Jack his invite. "Um, ok. Why is it covered in brown stuff?" Jack asked. "Oh, it used to be Pip's." Cartman answered. He actually wrote Pip an invite, and shoved it up his ass? He must REALLY hate Pip. "Sick dude!" Jack threw it on the floor.

"Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!" Damien explained cryptically. "Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought. Right here in South Park!" Jesus shouted. "I knew something like this would happen." Jack noted.

...

"Who will win our souls? Our Savior and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness? It's the final battle between Good and Evil and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95." Leonard started grabbed as much money as he could. "Dad! The final battle between good and evil is about to happen! Get all your money!" He yelled.

...

"How long until Satan shows up!" Leonard asked. "Did the Devil show up yet?" Stan asked. "Yes. Which is why I JUST FUCKING ASKED HOW LONG UNTIL HE DOES!" Leonard yelled.

"Leo! Where the FUCK did you learn that language?!" Joel said. "You." Leonard stated blankly.

"Hey, Jesus! I-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?" Kyle asked. "What the hell do you mean IF I win the fight?" Jesus asked. "Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish." Cartman explained. Jew's don't have faith in Jesus. "Oh." Jesus said.

"We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince." Jimbo said. "Not me, I'm waiting for Satan to show up, before I decide who to vote on." Leonard noted. "Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation." Jesus said. "I don't have faith. I'm an atheist." Leonard replied.

"Behold. The Evil One approaches." Jesus announced. "Holy poop on a stick!" Mr. Garrison exclaimed. Yes, that was his actual line. "Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!" Satan said. "Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge!" Stan exclaimed. "Well, there goes my vote." Leonard said.

"Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!" Satan threatened. "O-oh yeah?" Jesus asked. "I don't doubt it." Joel added. "I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee." Satan said. "Oh yeah?" Jesus asked.

Satan stepped on a scale. "Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz." Jesus stepped on that scale. "Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz." The announcer said. "Ooh crap!" Joel—I mean, Chef said. "Aw, come on! I weigh more than that." Jesus said. "I doubt that." Leonard noted.

"Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world." Satan said before leaving. "I'm going to go vote for Satan now." Leonard said.

...

"Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar—" Jesus explained. "OH crap." Joel said. "I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning. In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!" Jesus ramted.

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!" Father Maxine berated. "Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!" Jesus noted. "Hey, at least I didn't change my vote. It was Satan as soon as I made it!" Leonard reminded.

"I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win." Jesus said. But not for the reasn you think. "The only way that would happen is...if...Wait a minute, I'll be back!" Leonard ran out of the bar. He knows what's going on.

...

"Dad! Wake up! We need to get to Cartman's party!" Ellie yelled. "Wait, what time is it?" Leonard asked. "7 AM. We need to hurry, You've been sleeping here since yesterday after you brought us back from school." Ellie explained. "What? That can't be right because I left to change my— Oh crap! I didn't change my vote!" Leonard left without his kids. "Aw crap. Well, guess Grandpa will have to drive." Ellie said.

...

"Ellie, Jack, welcome. Please leave your presents on the left." Cartman instructed. "Ok, bye." Jack said, before walking back into the car. "Where are you going?" Eric asked. "I don't want to miss the fight. And since I was only invited for my present, I assume you won't mind if I leave for what I expect to be a short fight." Jack explained "Huh. You make a very good point." Eric noted.

...

"Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles." The referee said. No guarantee's on that last one. "Grandpa, if you could drive better, we would have gotten here sooner." Jack said, as he entered. "Shut the FUCK up Leonard! I mean Jack. Fuck!" Joel yelled.

...

"Hey! What the hell do you think YOU'RE doing here?" Cartman asked, as Damien and Pip arrived. "Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid." Stan noted. "And neither were you, Pip!" Kyle added. "Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but—" Pip explained.

"Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party." Damien opened a portal to hell. A demon flew out and carried Pip into the sky. "That was the greatest thing I've ever seen, since that one time from before when Pip was around." Ellie said. "Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien." Kyle said. "Yeah. Come on in and join the party." Cartman invited Damian. Vocally.

...

"Why isn't Jesus hitting back? He's not even trying. I can't believe somebody voted for him." Joel said. "That guy must have ALOT of faith." Jack said.

...

"Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy. Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega—" Kyle did not bring Red Megaman.

"Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?" Cartman was very obviously pissed off. "It's a game, dude. It's really fun." Kyle explaimed. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman jumped on him. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP!"

"They were all out of 'em dude!" Kyle explained. "I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!" Cartman yelled. Ellie stated taking from the food while Cartman was distracted. "That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home! GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!" Cartman yelled. Ellie ran off with as much food as she could stuff into her pockets and mouth._  
_

...

"Satan's just toying with him. Why won't he fight!" Joel asked. He hasn't figured it out? "Hey look! Your friends are here. Maybe they can get him to stop being a fucking punching bag!" Joel noted. When the next round starts, Jesus dodges Satan's fists, then punches him. Satan falls over, and stays down. "That was anticlimactic." Jack noted. "The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!"

Satan got up. "Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!" Mr. Garrison said. "Aw crap!" Joel said. "Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win? Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!" Satan explained his evil plan.

"Hey, tell my Dad I said Hi!" Joel yelled. "Man, would it suck to be someone who voted on Satan right now." Jack noted.

...

"I need to change my vote now!" Leonard said. "Sorry but it's too late." The bookie said. "What!? Too late?!" Leonard asked. "The fight is over. Jesus won. Satan threw the fight." The bookie said.

"Aw crap! Now I just lost most of my money!" Leonard said. "What are you talking about? You changed your vote to Jesus." The bookie said. "What?" He asked. He then realized he was so drunk when he changed his vote, he didn't even remember doing it.

"Wait a minute! I'm rich! I can rebuild my house. Hell, I could build a newer, better one!" Leonard later wasted pretty much all of his money on the second option.

...

The Hendersons enter their new home. "Wow! It's so huge!" Ellie exclaimed. "Yeah. It's thrice the size of our old house." Leonard noted. "Great. I'm going to go take a nap on the furniture you didn't buy." Joel said. "I did buy it. It just won't be here until 2-4 weeks." Leo explained. "2-4 weeks? Where the hell am I supposed to sleep?" Ellie asked. "I know I'm not going to sleep until I can arrange to not be working 16 hours a day." Leo answered.

"So now we have a better house, but we have less furniture than fucking hobos." Jack noted. "I say it's worth it." Joel said. "I'm going back to work." Leo got in his car.

"The attic is so huge! There's so much space! I've never seen in a room this open in my entire life!" Ellie yelled. "God damn it." Jack said. Ellie started running around the house. "Stop running before you trip and hurt yourself." Joel said. Ellie ignored him.

"Jack, bring Ellie down here." Joel ordered. "Grandpa, I am not going to run after a six year old. You can do that yourself." Jack said. "You want me the break my spine?" Joel asked. "I don't care." Jack said blankly. "What?!" Joel yelled. "I don't care. Joel." Jack said. "You go to your room!" Joel ordered. "I don't have a room yet." Jack replied. "I don't care! Go!" Joel yelled. Jack walked up the stairs, and got knocked back down by Ellie, as she ran past. "Ow! Fuck! Why!" Jack yelled. "I said go upstairs!" Joel shouted.

...

_ 2-4 weeks later_

Trucks arrive with lots of packages. "Holy crap. I was expecting the stuff to come one at a time, not all at once!" Leo noted. "Well, I'm sick of sleeping on the floor every night, so let's open the stuff already!" Ellie shouted. They begin dragging the boxes inside. "Well, this is going to take hours." Jack said.

...

The house finally had everything Leo payed his thousands of dollars for. "Great. We're done. Now I'm going to sleep." Ellie said, before jumping into the bed in her room. "So how much money do we have?" Jack asked. "Enough to reach uppermiddle class. As long as we don't use that money excessively, we shouldn't have any financial issues." Leo explained.

"Great. I'm going to watch TV." Joel said. "I'm going back to work early. See if I can make extra cash." Leo said.

...


	13. Accept no substitutes!

**Me: IN the name of Valentine's Day, Toms Rhinoplasty! One of my favorite episodes in this season. Definitely in the top 10!**

**Evil Time traveler: There are only 13 episodes.**

**Me: Wait a minute! Your not in this one!**

**Evil Time traveler: Actually, I'm in all of them. You just don't know it yet.**

**Me: What—**

**Ms. Ellen: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the Hendersons.**

**Me: No, seriously. What the fu—**

**Ms. Ellen: He also created an extra part at the end.**

**Evil Time traveler: Like he does in all these specials apparently.**

...

"Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day." Wendy said. "I know." Stan replied. "Maybe we should go on a cruise or something." Wendy suggested. "I can't afford a cruise, dude." Stan noted. "I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise." Wendy replied. Cartman started laughing. "Shut up, Cartman!" Stan yelled. "Ahahah! That is so–ho lame! Ahahehahehah! Oh man. I—" Cartman was laughing in his seat. "—and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married." Wendy continued. Cartman fell out of his chair laughing. "Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time." He said. "Yeah, don't let him die from laugher." Jack said, sarcastically. Cartman deserves a worse.

"Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery." The principle explained. The class started cheering. "So you're going to have a substitute teacher." She added. "Crap, I should have known." Jack noted. "And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison." The principle noted. "That should be easy; We don't even HAVE respect for Mr. Garrison." Ellie added. "Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen."

The substitute teacher walked in. "Hello children." Ms. Ellen, the incredibly attractive substitute teacher, said. Everyone immediately was quiet. That's way more respect than Mr. Garrison ever had. "Whoa." Stan and Kyle said. "Wow, she's pretty." Cartman said. Kenny said something I won't translate. "You can say that again." Stan said. And he did. "Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay." The principle said, placing a tear gas grenade on the table as she left. "Tear gas?" Jack repeated.

"Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine. Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery, but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us." Ms. Ellen said. As she says this, the four boys, most importantly, Stan, smiled dreamily. "Stan? Stan?!" Wendy interrupted, when she noticed this. "Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?" Ms. Ellen had a list, "Yes ma'am." Cartman seems to be extra obedient.

"Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh." Ms. Ellen asked. "Yea—" Stan threw up after speaking. Wendy was surprised by this; Stan was intrested in someone else. Ellie started laughing. "Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?" Ms. Ellen asked. "No, he always pukes when he's in love." Cartman explained. "I'll kick your ass, Cartman!" Stan yelled. "So you're alright?" Ms. Ellen asked. Stan vomited again. "Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!" Kyle asked. "Just don't talk to him directly, and he should be fine." Jack explained.

...

Jack climbs to the top of the jungle gym, where he can see the four arguing. "She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!" Cartman yelled. "Well that goes without saying, fatass, how could she help but look at you!" Kyle yelled back. That doesn't sound like a strong argument. Phrasing. "You guys can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!" Stan said. "You guys are fucking stupid." Jack noted. I see his balls haven't dropped yet.

"Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?" Chef asked. "Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!" Kyle said. "Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or, uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?" No answer was given. "Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?" Chef asked. "Yeah, that one!" Stan answered. "Wooof! I've got to meet this woman." Chef said.

"Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?" Wendy asked. When did she get here? "No." Stan answered. With the animation style, I wouldn't know the diffrence. "Well it is!" She said. "That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other..." Chef said. Kenny said something about spanking. "That's right!" Chef said.

"Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?" Wendy asked. "That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it." Chef said. Kenny shrugged. I'm pretty sure there isn't any thing they saw about that.

"Stan? We're still Valentines, right?" Wendy asked. "Sure, Wendy, whatever." Stan said, without caring. "Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents." Kyle suggested. "Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight! " Stan added. Boys going to the mall. Never heard that one before. "I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner-chicks like vacuum cleaners." Cartman said. That's sexist. "You should stop assuming every woman is like your mom." Jack warned.

Wendy almost followed them, but she stopped to think about her relationship with Stan, which seems to have ended. Wendy realized this, and started crying. "I'm going to go." Jack left.

...

The next day, class started a lot like it did the previous day. "Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?" Ms. Ellen asked. "Memememememe, me!" Cartman exclaimed. "You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!" Bebe said. Oh, come on. It's not a sex joke. Wait, is it?

"Stan, how about you?" Ms. Ellen asked. He threw up. "I'd love to." Stan said. "Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables." Ms. Ellen said. Cartman raised his hand. "Cartman?" She asked. "What's a multiplication table?" Eric asked. "Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?" Ms. Ellen asked. Nope! "Mr. Garrison didn't teach us shit! All he tried to teach us was stuff we don't need to know, or stuff I don't think HE knows." Jack explained.

Chef entered the room. "Oh hello." Chef said. "Can I help you?" Ms. Ellen asked. "I'm Chef." He introduced himself. "Aand?" Ms. Ellen asked. "I just uuuh—" Chef didn't plan this far. "I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground." Chef said, showing the bottle. "Who brings laundry detergent with them to school?" Ellie asked. Apparently Chef. "That's not Kyle—" Stan said. "Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place." Chef said, placing it on Kyle's desk. "What was your name again?" Chef asked.

"Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen." Cartman said. "I'm the substitute." Ms. Ellen said. "Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you." Chef said.

"Nobody could take your place. No way they could match your face, no, You've got it going on in a way so clear, I just want to buy you a beer... Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh - Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute), No substitute for you (No substitute), No, baby, there's (No substitute), For you girl (No substitute) for you now, You know that it's true (No substitute), There's just, no substitute for, You!" Chef sang.

"We've got to learn how to do that, dude!" Stan said. "Yup!" Kyle agreed. "That was enthralling... Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?" Ms. Ellen asked. "If we can have dinner tonight." Chef offered. "Fine, Chef. Just let me do my job before I get fired." Ms. Ellen said. Did Chef just get laid? "Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!" Cartman shouted. "What?!" Ms. Ellen exclaimed.

...

"Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do." Ms. Ellen said, as class was dismissed. "Good bye, Ms. Ellen." Cartman said. "Stop kissing ass, Cartman!" Kyle shouted. "I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!" Cartman yelled back, as he left. I don't think he knows what he's saying, half the time.

"Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?" Wendy asked. "Of course, Wendy." Ms. Ellen said. Wendy sat down on the chair next to Ms. Ellen's desk. "I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan." Wendy said. "Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life—" Ms. Ellen was saying. "Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?" Wendy asked. "Of course, Wendy." Ms. Ellen said.

"Don't fuck with me!" Wendy flipped off the substitute. "Wha?" Ms. Ellen said. "You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!" Wendy warned. She got off the chair and walked away. "Bye, Ms. Ellen." Wendy said. "Wow. That was more agressive than I expected." Ellie said, before leaving. That was pretty out of character of Wendy. But who isn't in this episode?

...

"Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me." The four boys began smiling. "Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you Kyle." Ms. Ellen said. Kyle began dancing in his seat. "Ploozer gift, ploozer gift!" Stan shouted, between coughs.

"And here's one from Kenny. Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage." Ms. Ellen said. Kenny laughed at the innuendo.

"Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan." Ms. Ellen said. Stan threw up. Wendy slammed her desk and glared angrily at Stan.

"And here's another present...from Wendy. Oh. Why, it's a dead animal." Ms. Ellen held it up so everyone could see it. "Oh god!" It was a dead rat, causing Ellie to jump out of her chair. "Thank you, Wendy." Ms. Ellen said, to Wendy's annoyance.

"See? She liked my present the best!" Stan said. No, "Where's your present, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh, I left it at home." Cartman lied. "Are you sure you didn't bring it here in your stomach?" Jack asked, noticing the crums and chocolate on Cartman's face.

"Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now." Ms. Ellen said. "Dammit." Ellie said. "But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner." Ms. Ellen said. Wait, what? "What the hell?" Jack asked. "Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell." Cartman said.

"When someone gets as old as you, do they have to wear Depends undergarments?" Wendy asked. That was random. I think I may have missed something. Cartman ate some of his chocolate pie. Wait a minute... "Wait, he didn't eat it yet?!" Jack exclaimed. Then what the fuck was on his face?!

...

"Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!" Kyle said. "No you're not! I don't think I missed any!" Stan said. "Hi, Stan." Wendy said, as she and Bebe walked by. "I bet I scored 100." Stan ignored her. "HI, STAN!" Wendy yelled. "Oh, hey Wendy." Stan replied.

"I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen." Wendy said. Highly unlikely. "No she wasn't." Kyle knows. Clearly, this is a lie. "Yes, she was!" Wendy insisted. The possibilitu is too slim. "That's impossible." Stan knows. "Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!" Wendy said. The teachers have their own bathroom. "Nuh-Uh." Cartman said. Even Cartman sees through her bullshit. "It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!" Wendy said. Clearly, she is jelly. "Oh cool." Kyle said. "Yeah. If you like dead stuff." Jack added.

"Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!" Cartman said. "Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy." Kyle added. "NO, I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!" Wendy yelled, loud enough to echo throughout the cafeteria. Everyone looks at her. Wendy walks away, followed by Bebe. "Wow. She is losing her mind." Ellie said.

"Hello there, children." Chef said. "Oh, hi chef." Cartman said. "How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?" Kyle asked. "Not too good." Chef said. "What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?" Cartman asked. "No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team." Chef said. What? "What?" Jack asked. "Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion." What?! "What?" The boys were confused. "She's a lesbian." Chef explained. Damn it! "Oh." Jack said. "A what-bian?" Stan asked. "A plebeian?" Kyle asked. "No, those were the lower class Roman people." Jack explained.

"Uh, Jack why don't you explain it." Chef asked. "Uh, no. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Jack left. "AIY! Only I can say that!" Cartman yelled.

"Hu-tha-that-that's okay. Uh-duh-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians." Chef said. "I don't understand." Ellie said. "Good. Because no one likes lesbians. Except other lesbians." Jack said. "Now move along, children, you're holding up the line! " Chef said.

"Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?" Kyle said. "Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!" Stan said. First, they'll need a sex change. Sadly, that technology doesn't come out until several seasons later. "Hey, Yeah." Kyle said.

**JACK** started laughing. "You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian. that makes me quarter-lesbian." Cartman lied. "That's impossible, unless your grandpa was a—" **JACK **fell over laughing, interrupting his own sentence. "Unless me grandpa was a what?" Cartman asked. His grandpa was a hermaphrodite? He has three grandma's? Well, that could work.

...

"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?" Stan asked. "My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet." Cartman said. That's not what she meant. "Really?" Kyle asked. "I think he was lied to." Ellie said. "Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect. " Stan said. "And I got these killer Birken-stocks." Kyle said.

Stan and Kyle start licking the carpet. Kenny soon joins them. "I'm just going to go home now." Ellie said. "This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!" Cartman yelled.

...

"Dad?" Ellie asked Leonard, when she got home. "Yeah." Leo said, opening a pack of gum. "What's a lesbian?" Leo dropped the gum on the floor. "Uh, that was just random." Leo wasn't expecting that question. Ellie usualy asked stupid questions, like why is Cartman fat, or how did Joel get so old.

"Ok, well, you see, a lesbian is a female that likes other females." Leo said. "Oh. So that's what Chef called the teacher." Ellie said. "Teacher? You mean Mr. Garrison?" Leo asked. "No, we have a substitute." Ellie said. "Oh." Leo said. "Yeah, men can't be lesbians. Lesbians are gay females. Faggots are gay males." Joel said. Wait, a third of that is homophobic. "Oh. So that's why Jack started laughing when Stan and Kyle said they were going to become lesbians." Ellie said. Leo **AND** Joel start laughing.

...

"I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am." Stan said. Ellie started laughing. "I'm a bigger lesbian than you!" Cartman said. "No, you're a fatter lesbian than me." Stan said. Ellie continued laughing. "Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!" Kyle said. There is no such thing. **Jack** laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair. Like I said. Everyone is OOC today.

"What are you laughing at?" Kyle asked. "You can't be Lesbians! Lesbians are g—!" Ellie was interrupted by "Whoa. Is that Wendy Testaburger?" when Wendy walked in, dressed in leather, with make up and what is either a candy or cigarette in her mouth. "Hi guys, what's up?" Wendy said. "Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John. " Cartman said. "Wow. Hi, Wendy." Stan said. "Oh, hi Stan." Wendy said. She whispered something to Bebe.

"Good morning, children." Ms. Ellen came in, also wearing leather. "Wow!" Stan exclaimed. "Dang! That's nice!" Eric exclaimed. "Yeah!" Kenny agreed. "Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too! We're like sisters!" Ms. Ellen said. "Die!" Wendy yelled. "All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is—"

"Hello there, children." Mr. Garrison has returned. "Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back." Stan said. "Oh, weak, dude!" Cartman shouted. "Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!" Wendy jumped from her desk to Ms. Ellen. "He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now." Wendy said.

"Children, I have a very important announcement to make. I'm quitting my job as a teacher." Mr. Garrison announced. Most of the class gasped. "It's about time!" Jack shouted. He is getting kinda old. "What?" Wendy asked. "It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks." Mr. Garrison explained. So basically, he's come to terms with his heterosexuality.

"You...you can't." Wendy was at a loss for words. "But the good news is, I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher." Mr. Garrison said. The class cheered. "Really?" Ms. Ellen asks. "That's right. Will you stay?" The principal asked. "Well...sure." Ms. Ellen said. "Noooo! Noooo!" Wendy yelled. "Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan." Ms. Ellen said. He threw up. "Kick ass." Stan said. Did Stan just get laid? "Noooo! Noooo!" Wendy continued yelling. "Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died." the principle noted. Wendy started screaming. "Oh my, what an exciting day." The principal said.

"Something is wrong with that teacher. She seems to be intent on making Wendy's life miserable." Ellie noted. "So?" Jack asked. "That's my job. She can't just take it from me." Ellie said. So that's the only reason she cares?

...

"I'm, very, glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education." Ms. Ellen said. "Are we making love now?" Stan asked. "Excuse me?" Ms. Ellen asked. "They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet." Stan said. "What are you talking about?" Ms. Ellen asked. "You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says." Stan said.

"Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends." Ms. Ellen explained. Stan just got friendzoned. "But why?" Stan asked. "Well first of all, you're eight." Ms. Ellen said. "It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?" Stan said. "Oh boy." Ms. Ellen sighed.

"It's over. I give up." Wendy said, from outside. "Really? I expected more." Ellie said from the roof of the building. "You don't care?" Wendy asked. "What?" Ellie asked, confused by the question. "You don't care that Kenny likes the new substitute teacher?" Wendy asked. Ellie paused for a second. "Uhhh, No, not really." Ellie said. "Why?" Wendy asked. "Kenny likes everyone. And I don't have any reason to care." Ellie said. "Really." Wendy said. "Yeah. What made you think that?" Ellie said. "I thought you liked him." Wendy said. Ellie waited several seconds before laughing. Wendy walked away. When Ellie finally stopped laughing, she started to think about it.

...

"So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?" Kyle asked. "Did you make love?" Cartman asked. "I think so." Stan said. "No way!" Eric said. "Yup." Stan said. "Down by the fire?" Kyle asked. "Yup." Stan repeated. So, he's lying. "And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?" Kenny asked. "Did I what?" Stan asked confused.

"Good morning, children." Ms. Ellen said, as she entered. "Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?" Wendy asked. "Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?" Ms. Ellen asked. "No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting." Wendy explained. "Oh, that's okay, Wendy." Ms. Ellen said. "No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends." Wendy apologized. "Well, I would love that, Wendy." Ms. Ellen replied.

"And -ahem- I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong, and I've learned from it. I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world." Wendy added. "Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!" Ms. Ellen yelled. "That's not what I heard!" Ellie noted.

...

"Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting." Ms. Ellen said. Suddenly, soldiers bashed through the doors. They were not American military forces. "Down! Down! Everybody down!" Their leader yelled. "What the hell?!" Cartman asked. Everyone hid under their desks.

"So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!" The leader said. "And just what is going on here, mister?" The principal asked. "I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!" The leader explained. "It's a lie!" Ms. Ellen yelled. "She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!" Hakeem assured. "Why does it sound like your talking about an escaped criminal?" Jack asked.

"Ms. Ellen, is this true?" The principal asked. "Nooo!" Ms. Ellen yelled. "We must take her back to Iraq immediately!" Hakeem yelled, slightly dramatically. "Oh coool!" Wendy said. "Wait, didn't you just stop caring?" Jack asked. "Principal Victoria, please." Ms. Ellen begged.

"Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh." Hakeem said. That name sounds fake. "Are you sure? That guy doesn't look like—" Jack tried to point out that their leader, Saddam Hussein. "Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!" Principal Victoria ordered.

"NOOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME! UUGH!" Ms. Ellen grabbed a sword from one of the soldiers hands. It flew out of thier hands and into Kenny's face. "Oh my God, she killed Kenny!" Ellie yelled. "You bastard!" The soldiers dragged her away. "NOOOOO!" She yelled, as she was dragged off.

Everyone returned to their seats. "Wow. What incredible irony." Wendy said. "How did the Iraqi's get past our defenses? It's not like we'd just let them in." Jack asked all the right questions.

...

"Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive." Stan said. "Yeah, you just never know." Wendy replied. "Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff." Stan apologized. "Happy Valentines day, Stan." Wendy said. She was about to kiss him, but Stan vomited in her mouth. "Eeewww!" Wendy yelled. "Sorry." Stan said, looking away. "No, it's okay, Stan! Everything's going to be oh-kay!" Wendy yelled.

"Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!" Kyle asked. "Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box." Cartman said. "Cartman, a lesbian is a gay woman." Ellie explained. "What?!" The three boys said. "Yeah. I asked my dad. You can't become a lesbian." Ellie said. "Wait? My mom lied to me?" Cartman asked. "Yep." Ellie said. "Son of a—"

...

"For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!" Hakeem said. "Egh. This is all a mistake! This can't be happening! Pleease! For the love of God!" Ms. Ellen begged, before being fired into the sun. "Shove off!" Hakeem yelled. "How long has this base been here?" Jack asked himself. He began taking pictures of the Iraqi camp. "Sure hope the government pays me for these." Jack said.

...

"Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!" "Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher." Wendy said. "Anything for you, sugar-pie!" Mrs. Campbell said. Wait, what?

Kyle and Ellie arrived. "Oh, hi Kyle. Hi Ellie." Wendy said. "I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange." Kyle said. "Uh huh, excuse me." Wendy said. She began conversing with Iraqi soldiers. "How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq—" Kyle was interupted again. "Wait, wait! It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing! Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen." Wendy watched the rocket go into the sun.

"I knew it!" Ellie exclaimed. "I told her. Don't...fuck...with...Wendy...Testaburger!" Wendy had a look on her face that scared the other two kids.

...

"Oh, hey Kenny." Ellie said, noticing Kenny walking by. "So where you going?" Ellie asked. Kenny explained he was sent by Jack to meet someone at his old house to sell some photos. "Why isn't Jack doing it himself?" Ellie asked. "He doesn't trust them." Kenny answered. "Oh. Well, I'll see you later." Ellie said. Kenny continued walking.

"Wait! Kenny. I wanted to thank you for letting me stay in your home after my house got wrecked." Ellie said. "Uh, your welcome." He said. Ellie kissed him before leaving. As soon as Ellie was out of sight, Kenny pulled down his hood and... Uh, wait a minute. Um, ok, so Kenny was actually Jack wearing his parka. And Ellie couldn't tell the difference because everyone wearing it sounds the same? So Jack started puking on the side walk. After an hour, he then put the hood back on and continued walking.


	14. This fanfic is messed up

**Me: Ok, I need to figure out what the hell happened last chapter. There is a minor character I made up claiming to be in every chapter. Stranger yet, the first one he appeared in has VIEWS THAT WEREN'T FROM ME! I moniter the views, and the only view came from me, until recently. And I think there's something's wrong with the narrator. It's saying things I don't want it to say.**

**Evil Time Traveler: P.S. you forgot to upload the edited endings of the Football and Halloween chapters you made. But I did it for you.**

**Me: Also, he won't go away! What the actual [CENSORED]?! Wait a minute? That's not the usual bleep? *rereads my line* Censored? My God! HE REWROTE THE SCRIPT! NOOOOOOO!**

**ETT: Your overreacting. I made it much better.**

**Me: It's the end of everything! I have to delete and reupload this crap! *grabs thumb drive* Good thing I made copies.**

**ETT: You realized the copies already include last chapter.**

**Me: What? *realizes that he's in last chapter* FUCK!**

...

"—And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month." The kids are on a field trip to some anthropological dig site. "Booooring!" Cartman interrupted. The class (except Jack) started laughing.

"Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep." Mr. Garrison ordered. Shouldn't be that hard with his current situation. "Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?" The anthropologist asked. "Isn't that your job?" Stan asked. "Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything." The antro—The dig site guy explained. "Oooh."

"Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes, that were handed out and we will dig for our very own Indian arrowheads." The dig site guy said. The kids started digging.

"Day is never finished, Massa got me working. Someday Massa set me free—" Cartman is singing some song probably made by African slaves. "Shut up, Cartman!" Stan shouted.

"Oh! Oh I think I found one! " Pip said. Eric walked over. "No, I found it." Cartman lied. "No, I do believe I found it first." Pip insisted. "No, I did, Pip." Cartman repeated. "Oh dear." Pip knew this would end poorly for him.

"Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it." Cartman declared. "What do you mean?" Pip asked. "Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead." Cartman explained the rules of his challenge. "Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must." Pip accepted the challenge.

"Okay, ready? I'll go first." Cartman kicked pip in the balls, knocking down the French kid. Everyone (except Jack) laughed. Wait a minute. Jack isn't even here! He left half a minute ago. "Well-uh I, I guess you win." Pip groaned. "Huh? I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it." Cartman threw away the arrowhead he worked so hard to get. That fatass ran one whole foot for it, and threw it away?

"Day is never finished, Massa got me working... Oh, look, I found another one—Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle!" Cartman threw the triangle away. It landed in front of Kyle. "Whoa. Check it out, dude. It's got little drawings on it." Kyle observedd, after picking up the triangle. "What is it?" Stan asked. "I don't know." Kyle replied. The Triangle flickered and started glowing. "Whoa!" "That was cool!" "EIYY! Give me that back!" Cartman ran three feet now! He really wants that triangle back! "You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now." Kyle said.

"We'll roshambo for it!" Cartman is attempting to use the same trick he used on Pip. "Cartman, your putting ownership of the triangle on whether or not Kyle will kick you in the nuts first? That's the stupidest—" Ellie noticed the arrow head Cartman threw earlier. "Ooh, something shiny." She pushed Pip away, and picked it up.

"ANTHROPOLOGIST!" Eric yelled as load as he could. "How's it going, boys?" He walked over. "I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!" Cartman complained. "Hm, let me see that." He looked at it very closely. "Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!"

Jack finally returned. "Wait, did he say Nazi?" Jack asked. "Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!" Cartman shouted. Kyle walked away with the triangle,. "Did he say Nazi?!" Jack repeated, half confused and half scared. Ellie laughed at Jack's confusion.

...

"And finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony." Leo turned up the volume on his TV. "Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object." The QSMOAP explained.

"Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, "dude, I found this triangle" and my friends were like, "dude" and I was all like "dude."" Kyle said . "—and I told him. I said, "Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts." But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him SQUARE in the nuts, and he CRIED like Nancy Kerrigan!" Cartman lied. "You liar, Cartman!" Kyle yelled. "Screw you, triangle thief!" Cartman yelle back.

"And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... well a little later. Back to you, Dave." Tom said. "Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids. Except for that last one; He's a little tubby." Dave added. "AIY!" Leo changed the channel.

...

Jack returned home hours later. "So, did you find anything?" Joel asked. "No. Kyle found some really triangle that has something to do with Nazis." Jack said. "What the hell?" Joel asked. "I'm going to go read something." Jack walked to his room. "Nazis?!" Joel repeated.

...

The next day, The boys began building a snowman. Ellie decided to go with them, because she is bored and has nothing to do. "I have a button we can use for his nose." Stan said. "Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?" Kenny pulled out both. "What would we use a marble sack for?" Kyle asked. "Who builds snowmen with those?" Ellie asked at the same time.

"Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it." Cartman warned. "I didn't steal anything." Kyle said. Yeah, stealing is taking away a possession. Cartman threw it away, so it's repossession. "Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?" Cartman looked away from Kyle. "Good!" Kyle replied.

A helicopter suddenly arrived. "What's that noise?" Eric asked. "Whoa!" Kyle said. "Aaaahhh! Aliens!" Cartman covered his butt, in fear of being anal probed again. "But they don't start abductions until 9:00 PM." Ellie said. Why does she know this? Some fat woman exited the helicopter. "Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?" She asked. Everyone except Cartman pointed to Kyle.

"Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?" She asked. Nope. "No." Kyle answered. "Ugh. I bet you do." She started singing. "I'm going—" It was terrible. "Make it stop!" Ellie yelled. "—where there's lucky clovers in the f—" Seriously, it sucks. Your lucky you only have to read this. "Ow, that sucks, dude!" Stan interrupted the song.

"I'm Barbra Streisand!" I have no idea who that is. "Who?" Ellie asked. "Uh-m, I'm a very famous and very important individual." Barbra said. Gonna have to narrow that a bit. "Like John Elway important?" Stan asked. "What?" Striesand asked, confused. "Don't you know who John Elway is?" Ellie asked. "No!" Barbra replied. "Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!" That's not that hard to believe. It's like when a president doesn't know who Calvin Coolidge is. Being in the same group as someone is not the same as being in their circles.

"Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?" Barbra asked. "Yeeaahh." Kyle answered slowly. "No! I found it, he stole it!" Cartman shouted. He neds to stop. "You threw it away, Cartman!" Kyle yelled. "I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief." Cartman declared.

"Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?" Barbra asked. "Yeah. How'd you know?" Kyle asked. "Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?" Barbra asked. "Triangle of Zinthar?" Kyle asked.

"Why do you wanta know, lady?!" Stan asked. "I'm not talking to you, you pissant little hick!" Striesand snapped. "Whoa dude!" Stan exclaimed. "Where is the triangle, dammit?!" Barbra grabbed Kyle, holding him up in the air. "AAAHH!"

A police car stopped. She dropped Kyle. "What seems to be the problemo here?" Officer Barbrady asked. "Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys." Barbra lied. "Nah-ah! She's being a total bitch!" Cartman said.

"Boys, shouldn't you be in school?" Barbrady asked. "It's Saturday." Ellie answered. "No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers!" Barbrady said. Barbrady doesn't know what a weekend is. Tragic. "But we didn't do anything!" Ellie complained, as they walked away.

"Well?!" Barbra asked. "Well what?" Barbrady asked. "You know who I am, don't you?" Barbra asked. "Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!" Barbrady said. Barba left, pissed off. "Hoh, what a bitch!" Barbrady added.

...

Next Monday, Leo turned on the news and saw this: "...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be—" A giant robot Godzilla Barbra Striesand destroyed a sushi place. "Oh, Goddammit, not again!" The reporter said.

"Dad! The towns being attacked! Get to the basement!" Leo yelled. "What?!" Joel asked, confused. "There is a giant robot monster wrecking the city!" Leo yelled. "Is it your wife?" Joel asked. Leo looked very carefully at the giant robot godzilla. "I can't really tell." He replied. Hmm.

"Aw, it's the Nazi's again, isn't it? Our enemies from WW2 are back for revenge!" Joel ranted. "What the hell are you talking about." Leo asked. "They're trying to finish the fight they lost years ago." Joel said. "I don't have time for this. To the basement now!" Leo ordered.

"Why are we in here?" Joel asked. Leo opened a door. "We have an underground bomb shelter." Leo said. "Why the hell do we have a underground bomb shelter." Joel asked. "So every time the city gets attacked, we can hide there. It's zombie proof, alien proof, and disaster proof. And it has everything we need should we get trapped in there. Worth the hundreds of thousands of dollars I put into it." Leo said.

They went inside, locked the door, then heard a load explosion. Leo opens the door to see that every part of his house above his basement was gone. "MOTHEFUCKER!" Leo yelled. There goes another house.

...

"Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?" Stan asked at some point, the boys were kidnapped, then their rescuers fought the giant robot Barbra Striesand, known as Mecha Striesand. Robert Smith arrived and saved everyone just when it seemed like she was unstoppable.

"I'm going to take it." The evil time traveler from Ellie's dream appeared. The triangle flew into his gauntlet/claw hand I actually don't know what the fuck it is.. "Remember this. It's going to be a very important in the future." He vanished in a flash of light.

"What the hell?" Kyle asked. "Wait a minute, that was the guy from the wierd dream I had were I went through time to stop him from unbirthing you guys using some boy's body." Ellie said. "That is fucked up, dude." Stan commented.


	15. Cartman's mom!

**Me: Now to end season one AND start season two.**

**Liane Cartman: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the Henderson family.**

**Me: Ok. *waits several moments with silence* your supposed to be gone now.**

**Liane: Oh, ok. *fades out of existence***

**Me: What the hell? That's not how your supposed to leave.**

**ETT: Yeah, I don't know anything about that.**

**Me: Also, he's still here.**

**Me: I am going to accept 3 OCs for this fanfic, if you submit any OCs using the submission sheet in my bio. If it's in a review, I will probably ignore it!**

**ETT: So don't use the reviews for this your submmissions. PMs are MUCH more likely to get accepted than get used for material in creating some other character (which you probably won't be given credit for, should it happen). Also, check his profile for other useful info like Bios on the OCs in this fanfic.**

...

"Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school." Stan said. "Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong" Kyle added. Kenny said something about Cartman being fat and his bed. It was apparently funny, because the three of them started laughing. "Yeah." Kyle said. "Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him." Stan suggested.

The bus pulled up. "Come on, we're running late!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!" Stan yelled. "What did you say?!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "I said 'We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.'" Stan repeated. "Oh. Alright then." Ms. Crabtree drove off, as Ellie jumped off. "Whoa dude." Kyle said. "I always wondered if that would work." Stan said. The three walked over to Cartman's house. "Wait a minute! You guys!" Ellie said, as she got up from the ground to follow them.

...

...

"Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?" "Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you." "You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants. Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?" "Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?" "Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am." "You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you." "Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you." Cartman was having a tea party with four dolls, doing voices for each one.

"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here." Stan commented. Kenny said something about dropping tea. "What?" Ellie asked, confused. Or something about teabagging. I wasn't really listening. "Come on! Let's go make fun of him!" Kyle said. "No, dude. This looks really serious. I think we'd better get help." Stan said. "You sure?" Ellie asked.

"We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea." "Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey." "Eric is the best!" "Hooray for Eric!" "Eric kicks ass!"

...

"Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman." Kyle said. "Oh, well, there's a news flash!" Ms. Mackey replied sarcastically. "Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals." Stan said. "Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them." Kyle said.

"Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mkay?" Mr. Mackey explained. "Wa-what-ya mean?" Kyle asked. "Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?" Mr. Mackey asked. "No." Stan answered. "Well-obviously something is bothering him." Mr. Mackey said.

"Oh, of course! My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong. mkay?" Mr. Mackey suggested. "Is that legal?" Stan asked. "Oh, hell yes!" Mr. Mackey confirmed.

...

"My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants." "Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true." "Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much." "That's niiice, Peter Panda."

"Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made." Stan said. "How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?" Kyle asked. "All of it?" Ellie answered, uncertainly.

"More tea, Rumpertumskin?" "Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome." "Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?" "I think you're a big fat piece of crap." WHOA! "AEY!"

...

"No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!" A very tired Jack was awoken by Cartman's yelling. "No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!" Jack away from the remains of his new house, half asleep, to Cartman's house. He stopped by Cartman's window. "How is your beefy roast, snookums?" Liane Cartman asked.

"Mom? Can I ask you a question?" Eric asked. "Sure, hon." Liane said. "You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?" Eric asked. "Uh-huh." Liane replied. "And my friend Kyle has...a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?" Eric asked. "Yeesss. Well, what's your question, hon?" Liane is not following. "God-dammit! Do I have a dad?!" Eric yelled. "Oooooohh."

"I want to know where I came from." Eric explained. "Ooohh, hhmmm. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other, they want to be... close to each other." Liane explained. Terribly. "Uh-Huh" Cartman replied. "And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha." Both Jack and the Cat understood that.

"So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?" Eric asked. "Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance I was young and naive then..."

...

_"I have never seen anyone drink that much in a long time." He said. "__Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he." _

_"I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?!" I asked. "__I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your__ cookies, Ms. Cartman!" The then trainee Barbrady said. "__Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady." I gave him some of my cookies. "Mm, that's a good cookie!" Barbrady enjoyed them._

_ "__Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance!" Jimbo shouted. __And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water. __I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin._

...

"So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?" Eric asked. "Oh, I never saw him after that. Ah, I wasn't really that interested in him." Liane answered. Sounds sketchy. "That isn't a very romantic story, Mom." Eric noted.

"I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town." Liane added. "Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American." Eric said. "No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!" Cartman yelled. Jack left. He did not walk towards his home.

...

"Ellie? Have you seen Jack?" Leo asked. "No." Ellie said. "Well, do you know where he is." Leo asked. "No." Ellie repeated. "Do you know where—" "NO!" Ellie yelled. Didn't even let him finish. "Ok. Bye." Leo left.

"Coming this Sunday, a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip..." Someone knocked on the door. "Jack, where have you—Wait, your that fat kid!" Leo said. "AIY!" Cartman snapped. "What the hell are you doing here?" Leo asked.

"I'm your son." Eric said. "I'm pretty sure your not." Leo replied. "You were at the Twelfth annual drunken barn dance, before I was born." Eric explained. "No, my brother, Miles, was at the twelfth. He ranted for an hour about how Herbert Garrison blocked his—" Cartman was already gone. "Son of a—"

...

"Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison said. "Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Hat asked. "Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! Another Cosmo, please." Mr. Garrison and his puppet are having an argument. I think someone should videotape this, follow him home and learn his problems.

Cartman entered. "All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!" Eric asked. "What the hell are you talking about, Eric?" Mr. Garrison was confused. "Normally, people leave the bar spurting nonsense." Joel noted. "It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!" Cartman said. Mr. Garrison gasped.

"Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay." Jimbo noted. "I am not gay!" Mr. Garrison denied. "Then you did sleep with my mom?" Cartman asked. "No!" Mr. Garrison lied. "He's gay!" Jimbo shouted. "Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance!"

"But who here didn't?!" Mr. Garrison asked. "Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?" Pretty much every male, Joel included, stood up.

"I haven't!" One man noted. "...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!" Mr. Garison reminded. "Oh. Yeah." Poor Halfy couldn't fuck a chicken if he wanted. "So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know." Mr. Garrison concluded.

"Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either." Jimbo said. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean. " Jimbo makes no sense.. "And drunk people are speaking nonsense again. Balance has been restored! Hallelujah, amen!" Joel passed out.

"Wait, wait. I know a way to find out." Dr. Mephesto and his little deformed sidekick were here. "How?" Eric asked. "At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is." Dr. Mephesto explained.

"Really? You can?" Cartman's voice was now filed with hope. "Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but—" "How much?" Eric asked. "Three thousand should cover it." Dr. Mephesto replied. "I don't have 3000 dollars." Eric said. "Oh. Never mind."

...

Jack returns home. "Where the fuck were you?" Leo asked. "Looking for our mail. Grandpa hasn't gotten any magazines here, since they keep sending them, and the rest of our mail, to our old house." Jack answered. He toseed the mail on the floor.

"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos—" Joel is watching the TV now. "The hell is this?" Leo asked. "Colorless TV." Joel commented on the shitty quality of the TV, which may have been stolen from Kenny's house.

"Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."" He played the aforemeantioned clip. "Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. Hahaha. Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, hehehahahuh." Seen it. "That's supposed to be funny?" Jack asked.

"And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party."" The video of Cartman playing with the dolls plays. "Hey, it's the fat kid that was here earlier." Leo said. "Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy!" Bob Saget laughed. Somewhere else, Cartman's rage broke.

"And finally our third contestant, 'Young Child Gets Hit By A Train.'" "What the hell?!" Leo yelled. "Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started. Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train. Ooooh, I sure did." The fuck? "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Jack shouted. Somewhere else, a similar shout was being made. "You bastards." Ellie said in her sleep.

"Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh." Stan's grandpa just won 10,000 dollars. "That's it. I'm calling my lawyers. This is fucked up. You can't film someone getting KILLED and show it on television. And you definitely can't pay someone money for giving you the footage of someone getting killed." Leo declared. Actually, that's probably mostly legal. But the clip being submitted without Kenny's consent is definetely a crime.

"Wait a minute! Kenny just died on television! I finally have proof!" Ellie just woke up and ran out the door. "What the hell?" Everyone else said.

...

"All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water, Miles Henderson, Gerald Broflovski, Leonard Henderson, myself, my friend Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos." Dr. Mephesto announced. "Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!" Stan said.

"The test results are in this envelope. Shall I... open it?" Dr. Mephesto asked. "Yes! Why the hell not?!" Leo yelled. "Erhum ehrum uh, The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is—

...

After hours of stalling, "And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room." Dr. Mephesto said. "Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life." Cartman noted. Kenny repeared after his earlier death. "Oh, Hey Kenny." Kyle said. "Wha-what?!" Ellie was confused by Kenny's reappearance.

"Gentlemen, the father is—" The lights went out. "Hey, what the hell's going on?" Mr. Garrison asked. "It's a power outage!" Jimbo exclaimed. Someone fired two gunshots. Then the lights turned back on. "Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!" Chef said. "Captain oblivious, that was TWO gunshots!" Leo yelled. "Not everyone the ability to hear a gunshot in doors without getting tinnititus!" Miles snapped.

"Oh my God, look!" Barbrady pointed to the dead Mephesto, as he lied on the floor. "Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!" Kenny said. "You bastards!" Kyle yelled. "The killer is someone in this room!" Leo explained. No shit, captain obvious.

"Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!" Jimbo said. "No, that's what the second shot was for. To trick us!" Leo explaimed. "How do you know? How did you know there were two shots anyway?" Jimbo asked. "Because I pay attention to details. This is exactly why I should solve this case." Leo replied. "But your not a detective." Barbrady reminded. "No, but I am a police officer." Leonard replied. "Oh, good point." Barbrady said. Is Barbrady not?

"Waait! He's still breathin'! He's not dead." Chef explained. Cartman grabbed Mephesto's shirt. "Goddammit! Who's my father?" He asked. "He needs a hospital!" Ellie exclaimed. "You've got to be kidding me!" Eric shouted. "Come on, children!" Chef and the kids hurried outside. "Wait a minute! How do we know Chef isn't going to kill him? If he was the gunman, he could finish him off right now!" Leo yelled.

...

**Me: I could finish the episode now, but I think we should wait for next chapter.**


	16. Who shot Mephesto?

**Me: Time for part two of the finale.**

**ETT: Also, we have a message.**

**Me: I have been here for a year and a few months now. In that time, I have improved greatly as a writer. Looking at my other works, a lot of them have gotten better. I've even finished several edited chapter of one of my first fanfics, the Agent Virgina Chronicles. And it has a longer sequel. I'm working on the third in the series and a prequel now. Comparing the work from where I started, you can really see how much I have improved since I started writing Fanfics. Even this fanfic had a few changes overtime THAT I MADE. **

**ETT: Right. Not everything is my fault. **

**Me: Shut up! This fanfic is going into the second season soon. I garrantee by the time this fanfic is finished, all of the first chapters will be improved.**

**ETT: And now to talk about the inserts.**

**Me: No.**

**Mephesto: Uh, Am I dead?**

**Me: No, you were shot.**

**Mephesto: Which mean...**

**Me: your dying. Read the sign if you want to live.**

**Mephesto: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for the Henderson's, Jacob the time traveler, and Tsunavavich.**

**ETT: Tsunava-what?**

...

_When we last left off..._

"Is he awake yet?" Cartman asked. "No, he's still bleeding all over the place." Ellie replied. "Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel." Chef ordered. What? "What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?" Kyle asked. "I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to—Wait a minute! Why am I telling you this?!" What! What did he use the towel for?! There's so many possibilities!

"Could you pull over so I can get out?" Stan asked. "What? We have to get to the hospital." Chef said. "I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals." Stan explained. "Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?" Chef replied.

"Man, it's really starting to snow. I hope they don't close the roads." Kyle noted. "They can't. Mephesto can't die." Cartman said. "Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman." Kyle replied. "No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, 'Come Sail Away', by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it." Cartman said.

"Really?" Kyle asked. "Yeah, du–I can't do anything until it's done." Cartman said. Kyle looks to Stan. "I'm sailing away—" Kyle sang. "No! Don't!" Cartman warned. "Set an open course for the virgin sea—" Cartman tried to resist but ended up singing the entire song incredibly fast. I'm not going to repeat the song because I think it's bullshit.

"Whoa dude!" Kyle said. The car stopped at Hells Pass— They seriously named a hospital Hells Pass? What's their mortality rate?! "Oh god, the blood's seeping through my jacket! Aww! " Ellie yelled. Why the fuck did she think riding in the trunk was a good idea? There's no seat belts there!

...

"What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!" Jumbo, Stan and Kyle's moms, and officers Barbrady and Henderson went to city hall to find out what the Mayor was going to have done about the killer. "We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety." Sheila said. "Uh... Where are our children?" Sharon asked. Everyone looked around. "Dammit, that's the third time!" Leo noted.

"Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?" The mayor asked. "What?!" Leo asked, offended. "Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking." Barbrady replied.

"Mayor! Mayor!" A man followed by two guys with a camera and a boom mike ran in. "The press is here." The mayor said. "My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted." Greenfield said. "And what the fuck are you doing here?" Leo asked. "We're desperate for stories." Sid admitted. "Really?" The mayor asked. "Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking. I–it's a real American story." Sid said.

"Hey, I thought of something." Everyone looked to Barbrady. "Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction." And everyone returned to what ever they were doing. "Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?" The mayor asked. "Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi—" The mayor shushed Jimbo before he could finish.

"We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins." Greenfeild explained. "That's a terrible idea." Leo said.

"Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?" The mayor asked, completely ignoring what leo said. "Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family." Greenfeild assured. "Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!" The mayor said. "What?!" Leo yelled. "Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?" Sid asked.

Leonard looked around. The room had an incompetent police officer, a mayor completely uninterested in the case, ano three potential suspects. It was at this moment Leo realized he had to solve the case himself. "If they won't solve it, I will." Leo muttered to himself as he left the room.

...

Leo recreated the crime scene long before he's left to speak with the mayor. Since he wasn't a detective, he didn't know what else to do at the time. After stealthily questioning actual detectives without letting them know about what had happened, he spent the rest of the night and the next day using clues to figure out where the person who shot the window was standing at the time. He confirmed that was someone in the room when he found one of the bullets outside of the building. Based on the direction it came from, it was fired from inside the GER.

"Wait a minute. No one except Dr. Mephesto knew who the father was. So whoever shot must have been afraid that he was the father. Son of a bitch!" Leo began looking at a board he drew of suspects. He circled Mr. Garrison, Chef, Miles Henderson, Nathanial Tsunavavich, Kenny, Dr. Mephesto, Sheila Broflovski, That thing that follows the Dr. Mephesto, Joel Henderson, Dr. Mephesto's son, and Jack Henderson. Hold on a sec! Half of those guys weren't even there to shoot him in the first place!

...

"Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor!" Chef shouted. The boys followed. Ellie opened her blood soaked jacket to reveal a new blood stained white shirt. That's not going to wash off easily. "Dammit." Ellie said. "Ugh, I can't do it, dude." Stan said, as he stopped running. "Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad." Kyle reassured. "Yeah, stop being a wuss!" Cartman added.

"Doctor!" Chef yelled as he entered the operating room. "One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!" The nurse grabbed a syringe with her mouth. "Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!" Kyle exclaimed. "We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son." The doctor said while catching the needle after the nurse spat it towards him. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever saw someone do with their mouth." Ellie said. That came out wrong. There is no way that is grammatically correct.

"Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!" Chef yelled. "I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle." The doctor said. "Oh man. I'm gonna be sick." Stan said, as he grabbed his stomach. "There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of." The doctor assured, driving his attention away from the needle.

He pushed all the drops out before ramming it into the patient. Stan groaned. "Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone." The nurse warned. "Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside." Stan groaned some more. Blood sprayed out of the the hole from the failed injection. "Oops, he's hemorrhaging." Blood landed near stand. Stan's eyes widened. "Ooo! His head fell off." That doctor is a little to good at not overreacting.

"I'm gotta get outta here!" Stan yelled, as he ran away. "Stan!" Kyle shouted. "Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach." The doctor responded.

...

"How do I figure out who did it?" Leo asked himself. It was at this moment, he realized the one person who wouldn't want to know who Cartman's father was. "Motherfucker." He said.

...

"Well, this is about all I can do for him." The doctor said. "Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is." Cartman said. "Sorry, son, it might be a while." the Doctor said. "Wake up, you son of a bitch!" Cartman jumped on top of Mephesto, and began slapping his unconscious body around. "Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition." The doctor said. "I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?!" Cartman yelled. "Hey, Cartman." Kyle said. "What?"

"I'm sailing A—" Cartman started singing the rest of the song. "Okay okay, let's get outta here now! " Stan said. "I don't think we can." Ellie said, looking out the window. "My God, that's a hell of a storm." The doctor said. "Oh weak." Stan said. "I am so glad school was canceled this week." Ellie said.

...

Leo attempts to call someone from a phone in his old garage. He got no signal. "Damn storm. I have to tell someone." It was at this moment, Leonard realized this was his old home. "Tsunavavich!" He yelled. "Hey keep it down. We're trying to sleep here." A hobo shouted back. The hobo was in his basement, and could see Leo's leg through a hole in the floor of the garage. "I had a basement here?! I could have been living here instead of at the McCormicks for ten dollars a week!" Leo yelled.

...

Cartman is still singing. The hospital's mortality rate is dropping. "Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?" Stan asked. The doctor rushes in with a woman bleeding out of her neck. "Doctor, I can't focus!" She complained. "We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly." The doctor explained.

"Wait a second. They've closed the pass?" Chef asked. "Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked." The patients gasped, looking to the doctor. "Metaphorically speaking, that is." The doctor corrected himself.

"What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?" Cartman asked. "He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help, so long as the power doesn't go out." The doctor explained. As soon as he said that, the power went out. "Who didn't expect that?" Ellie asked.

...

Leo paced around his basement. "The hell are you doing?" The hobo asked. "I'm trying to focus." Leo answered. "Why?" The hobo asked. "Because I need to get to the police station before it's too late. There's a killer on the loose!" Leo explained. "Holy shit!" The hobo said, jumping up. Leo noticed a locked metal suitcase, with the name Jack on it. "The fuck?" Leo asked himself. He attempted to open the suitcase, but it was locked. "Tsunavavich!" He yelled. "Tsunava-what?" The hobo asked.

...

"Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine." The nurse assured. "Nurse, I could use some help in here!" The doctor shouted. "Coming!" The nurse replied. "Lady. M—Is Mephesto gonna be okay?" Cartman asked. "Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short." The nurse answered. "Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!" Ellie started laughing. The armless nurse was not amused. "Oh right."

...

Leonard attempts to bash open the suitcase with his baton. But it seems to have been well built, as the case was little the more than dented. "Maybe there's a key somewhere." The hobo said. "It doesn't use a key. It has a combination lock." Leo explained. "Maybe there's a clue somewhere." The hobo suggested. Leo read the scratches on the suitcase. Leo dragged the suitcase upstairs, and shoved it into the back of his car. "I have an idea of where I can find the key." Leo said.

...

"Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an—and only myself and Nurse Goodly." The doctor was asking Chef to help him with the patients. "What do you want me to do?" Chef asked. "Do you know anything about surgery?" The doctor asked. "I used to watch Quincy." Chef answered. "What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives." The doctor said, relieved. "No way, dude!" Stan shouted.

...

Leonard and the hobo attempted to drive through the blizzard, resulting in the car crashing into someone's garage. "Tsunavavich!" Leo yelled. "Get the fuck out of my house!" Someone yelled back. "Tsunavavich!" Leo shouted. "Henderson!" The guy shouted back. "Tsunavavich!" Leonard repeated. "Henderson!" The guy repeated, entering the garage. "Oh, so that's Tsunavavich." The hobo said.

"Get the fuck off my property!" Tsunavavich ordered. "I can't. My car's stuck and the blizzard outside just blocked my only way out." Leo replied. "Motherfucker." Tsunavich said.

...

"Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me." The doctor was directing everyone while they operated on a man who was NOT Miles Henderson. "Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?" The doctor instructed. "No." Stan said.

"Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart." The doctor ignored Stan's response, and began cutting. "Oh boy." Stan vomited. "Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!" Kyle exclaimed. "Sweat." Cartman responded, impressed. "Suction!" Kenny placed the suction cup on the incision, but when the lights began flicking, he withdrew it. "Hey, who's screwing with the lights?!" Cartman yelled.

...

Leo, the hobo, and Tsunavavich are all gathered in a living room, covered in as many blankets, clothes, and bed sheets possible, since the house has no heating because of the loss of power. "You wouldn't happen to have seen my son Jack, have you Tsunavavich?" Leo asked. "No, Henderson. I haven't left my house all day. It's my day off, and I'm trying to enjoy it." Tsunavavich answered aggressively. They clearly don't like each other. "Where's your kid?" Leo asked. "I don't know!" Tsunavavich shouted.

"Why did I even come here with you?" The hobo asked. "I don't know. You could have stayed if you wanted. It was your choice." Leo said. "Oh right." The hobo said. "I'm going to take a nap." Tsunavavich said, wrapping himself up.

...

"I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator—for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital." The doctor explained. "That was stupid." Ellie said. "So how do we get to it?" Chef asked. "We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny." Kenny was confused as to why he was the only one on Team B. The doctor patted his head.

"Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct." The doctor used a conviently placed map to show Kenny where to go. "Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct." Ellie was already headed to the room he pointed to. Wait, how are they gonna watch TV with no power?

"By that time, Team B—remember, that's you, Kenny—should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors—here." Kenny is probably going to die. Again. "Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?" The doctor finished. "Noh, that sounds pretty sweet to me." Cartman answered. "Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!" The doctor said. Kenny realized he just got screwed over.

...

"Wait a minute, the TV works?" Leo asked, after returning from a trip to the kitchen to see the hobo watching Terrance and Phillip. "Yeah." The hobo said. "But we don't have power." Leo said. "No, there's a backup generator, but it only powers a few things at a time." The hobo said. "I'm going to use the phone." Leonard said.

...

"Team B? Come in, Team B." The doctor called through the radio. Kenny responded. "Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage." Kenny started yelling angrily, using the word "fucking" twice. "Oh... Well, forget I said that, then." The doctor replied.

"Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left." The doctor instructed. Kenny told him he could see it. "Good. Head towards it. Team A out." The doctor put down the radio. "What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?" Cartman asked, worried. "I'm bored. I'm going outside." Ellie tried to climb out the window. It closed on her, trapping her. "Ow, Fuck!"

...

"Hello? Is this the police station?" Leo asked. No one responded. "Barbrady, Pick up! Your the only policeman in this goddamn city. If the killer strikes again because you forgot how to answer a phone, I swear to god I'll—" The phone was answered. "Is this the police station?" Leo asked. "No, this is Jack." Leo was confused.

"What the hell are you doing at the police station?" Leo asked. "That's a good question. A better questions is "why would a police officer call 911?"." Jack replied, before hanging up. "Son of a bitch!" Leo yelled. "What's the fuck did I do wrong!" Tsunavavich yelled back. "I wasn't talking to you." Leo explained.

...

"Roger, Team B. He's reached the backup generator." The doctor was keeping Team A updated on Kenny's status. "Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?" The doctor asked. "Roger." Kenny responded. "Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?" The doctor asked. "Negative." Kenny answered.

"Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed!" The doctor shouted. "D'you have any wire here?" Kyle asked. "There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!" The doctor panicked.

Kenny responded. "No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way!" The doctor shouted. "He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands." The doctor explained. "No, he'll die!" Kyle exclaimed. "So? He's had worse deaths than that." Ellie replied, still stuck in the window. "Go Kenny!" Cartman cheered. Kenny started screaming over the radio. "You've had worse!" Ellie shouted. "Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed. "You bastard!" Kyle yelled. "He died literally yesteredy!" Ellie shouted.

The lights turned back on. "The power!" Chef shouted. "Quickly! Get the scanner running again! We've got a chance now!" The doctor exclaimed. Ellie attempted to get out of the window the way she came, but she instead fell out. "Hoooollllyyy Craaap!" She landed in a giant snow pile. "Owww." Ellie groaned. She has regrets.

...

"Oh shit, the powers back!" The hobo exclaimed, when the lights turned on. "Great. And the blizzard is already over. And most of the snow blocking the drive way is gone. Something doesn't feel right." Leonard said. "Well I'm going home." The hobo said. "Wait a minute. Mephesto could be in danger!" Leo ran to his car.

...

"Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine." The doctor said. "Oh my god...Mephesto...In danger...Where's...Cartman..." Leo said, gasping for breath as he ran into the hospital room. "Where... where am I?" Mephesto asked, as he woke up. "The hospital...Someone shot you...I think it was..." Leo leaned onto a wall, breathing really hard. Apparently he didn't take his car here, because it was broken.

"Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month." Mephesto sai–"What the fuck! You aren't worried that yout brother is trying to kill you!" Leo yelled. Hey! I'm narrating! "Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake." The doctor said. "He went off looking for Mr. Kenny." The nurse explained.

...

"He was a good friend, and I'll miss him." Stan said. "He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live." Kyle said. "Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop." Eric added. "H-he dies ah-all the fuh-fucking time." Ellie said, shivering, cold, and covered in snow. Also, she forgot her jacket. "Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?" Stan asked. "I don't know. Let's find out." Kyle said, as the two ran off. "His sacrifice will be remembered." Ellie declared. His sacrifice won't be remembered.

...

"I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life—" More stalling! "Just tell us already!" Cartman interrupted. "Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing—" For some of use, that was a week ago, and they were expecting this.

"If you don't tell us right now, I'm going to shoot you!" Leonard threatened. "Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman." Everyone gasped except Leo who yelled "Bullshit!". "What?!" Chef yelled. "Yes, it's true." Liane said. "Noo, that doesn't make sense!" Mr. Garrison said. "Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite." What?!

"Uh, meaning what?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Meaning that she has both male and female genitals." Mephesto answered. "It's true." Liane confirmed. "Bullshit!" Leo repeated. "You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!" Chef asked. "No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis." Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomited.

"The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance." It sounds to me like Mephesto doesn't know how to do his job. Or is a lying [CENSORED]. Who censored me?!

"Bullshit! If she had a penis, everyone here would have known! You know how hard it is to have sex without anyone noticing you have penis!" Leonard yelled. I don't want to know why he cares so much.

Jack walked into the room. "Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak." Cartman said. "Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermaphrodite!" Stan said. "What's a hermaphrodite—She has a penis!" Jack exclaimed. Where did the censor's go?


	17. To the Bookmobile!

**Me: Well. Season 2 has begun.**

**ETT: Technically, you season 2 started last chapter.**

**Me: Shut up. Also, I upgraded my narrator. I have no idea if it is fixed though.**

**Officer Barbrady: Hey! What is this?**

**Me: Your supposed to read the disclaimer—Oh. Right. He can't read.**

**ETT: Didn't think that one through, did you?**

**Me: Booktastic bus driver! Go! *booktastic bus driver appears***

**ETT: Oh god, no.**

**BBD: Oh, you want me to read the sign? Not the same as reading a book or your fanfiction but okay.**

**ETT: Someone get this guy out of here!**

...

"Officer Henderson, please sit down." Leonard walked into a dark room in the police station. "What is this about?" Leo asked. "Your recent unauthorized use of resources." Someone said from inside. Why is it so dark in there? "What?" Leo was confused as to what they were talking about. "Unauthorized access to our files. Unauthorized use of a squad car. And an unauthorized investigation of a failed murder attempt." Leo realized they were talking about the attempt to kill Dr. Mephesto earlier that week.

"That's why you broght me here?" Leo asked. "Last week, you shot three innocent bystanders, while trying to stop a bank robbery—" The shady man said. "They should have stayed on the ground when the robbers told them first!" Leo countered.

"We're worried you're becoming more dangerous to the people your trying to protect than the criminals are." Seriously? They're getting rid of him because of Police Brutality? "Are you kidding me?" Leo asked. "You destroyed a man's garage trying to investigate a murder attempt." The man in the room reminded. I can't actually see him. "That guy deserves worse!" Leo shouted. "We're putting you on a leave of absense. Indefinitely. You may leave, Henderson."

...

"Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic bus." Mr. Garrison is taking the class on a trip to some library-bus. "Reading sucks ass." Cartman said. He has a point. Why read when you can be watching television or something. "Eric, shut up!" Mr. Garrison said.

...

Officer Leonard Henderson has been placed on a leave of absence after the recent attempt on Dr. Alphonse Mephesto." Leo is watching the news on the couch in his bunker. "In other news, the police station was recently assulted by an unknown man. After this assualt, Police Chief George Johnstein was killed, along with eight other men." Leo raised the volume. Who the hell is George Johnstein?

"The only survivor was Officer Barbrady, who was found locked in a jail cell, unconscious. He was interviewed by a Midget Wearing Bikini." They cut to said Midget interviewing to Barbrady. "I just saw some guy wearing a hoodie with some sunglasses running at me with a baseball bat. It happened so fast I didn't even have time to react." Officer Barbrady said.

The news cut back to the anchor. "Whoever did this could strike again. The police are investigating the indentity of this attacker, but since the detective agency was killed in the attack, we can't expect much. Maybe when Officer Henderson returns, he'll solve this case." Leo turned off his TV and left to drink some lemonade.

...

"Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring." Kyle said, as the boys walked past several shelves. Wait, is this a library or a bookstore? "Hey you guys. Check out these books." Stan said. The other three boys picked up a few of them. And they're all romance novels. ADULT romance novels. Who the hell runs this place?! "Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books." Cartman said, as he skimmed through his. Kenny said something about "vaginas and penises".

"Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the magic of reading." Some weird looking guy walked up to them. "Who are you?" Kyle asked. "I drive the Booktastic bus, where magic begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver, all by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic of reading." Somebody kill this guy. "God, shut up, dude." Cartman muttered.

"Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in. Give in to the magic." If I could kill him, I would! "If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?" Stan asked. "Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical." Kyle threw away his book. "Ow, FUCK!" Ellie yelled. That looked so hilarious from my angle.

"I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling looking at these." Cartman noted. He should not be reading that book. Or understand any of it. Yet. "I can't tell if he's doing that for young child appeal or if he's a gay pedophile." Jack said. Hey, I was going to say that.

A chicken began making some noises while a woman was screaming. "Hey, what's that?" Kenny asked. "I don't know. Let's go see" Stan said. Everyone except Cartman dropped their books and left.

...

_Several hours later_

"Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong." Leo was watching an episode of Cops. " All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation." The dispatcher reported. "There, you see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This ain't no podunk little town!" Barbrady said.

"And, Barbrady, your wife called. She wants you to get some pizza on the way home." The dispatcher added. "Goddammit!" This was followed by a jump cut.

...

_During the filming_

"Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here." Barbrady and a film crew were at what ever the fuck this is. "What's the trouble? Where's the body?" The policeman asked. "Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens." A rancher said. That chicken looks fine to me. "Uhhhh...Oh." Barbrady realized he was being filmed. "An Alektorophile? Didn't know we had those." Jack noted. I think he just made a new word.

"Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?" Stan asked. That's a very good qu—"Uhh, boys, you move along. This isn't for young eyes to see." Barbrady warned. Good thing this fanfic is rated T. Wait? Was I just— "Neither are the books I just stole." Jack sai—He stole from the booktastic bus? Ah, I'd probably do it to. After killing the driver. Out of spite. Wait a minute! I got it interrupted again!

"Did you get a good look at the suspect?" Officer Barbrady asked. "Naw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast." The rancher answered. "Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?" Barbrady asked the camera crew. This part was cut out. "Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond." The camera crew said. "Haw, camel poo."

"Hey, what's this?" Stan asked, as he picked up a peice of paper. "Give me that!" Barbrady snatched the paper out of Stan's hand. "That's a clue, and you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!" I think he means fingerprints. "What does it say?" The rancher asked.

Barbrady stared at the paper. "Uhh... It says, uuh, "Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye-bye." Well, there you have it. Case closed." The note says "Another chicken gets it tommorow." Get's what? His D— "Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say 'Nothin' to see here', and 'Case closed.' But we want justice. We have to find this sicko!" The rancher ranted. Wait, he interrupted me again. Probably the censors fault that time.

"I said, return to your homes before I start arresting people." Barbrady said. "For what? Orderly conduct?" Jack asked. "How about fishing without a license?" What? "But no one here has a fishing rod." What the fuck is Barbrady doing? "Whataya call this then?" Barbrady pulled put a fishing rod. Wait, where was he keeping that?! "If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you..." He pulled out his gun. "By gunshot to the head." Everyone scattered. Well, the adults anyway.

The boys (and Ellie) were still there. "Just forget this ever happened. Forget. FOR! GET!" Barbrady left. "Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird." Kyle noted. "Yeah. I wonder what's wrong." Stan said.

...

"With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions." Leo was now watching the news. Shouldn't he be working?

"Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?" A reporter asked. "Well, nobody can say for sure; uh, no motive has yet been established." Barbrady answered.

"Do the police have any leads?" Another reporter asked. "Well, both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet." How the fuck would that give them a lead. "But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime?" How many reporters are there!l "All right, all right! I can't read!" Barbrady admitted. "There, I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!" Brabrady threw his badge away and left.

"That explains alot." Leonard said to himself. "Wait a minute, who's replacing him?!" Leo asked. I'm pretty sure that's his job. "Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies out front." The press coordinator said. "And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage without any police force for a while..."

A brick with a note attached fell onto the news anchors desk. "Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town!" The TV showed people smashing their way into stores and robbing them. Because no one could stop them. "Yes. Finally, I can get more work!" Leo said.

...

"Whoa, dude, what's going on?" Kyle asked, as people were running around with stolen property and robbing every store on the block. "I don't know." Stan replied. Two guys flipped a car over, crushing Kenny. "Oh my god! They killed—" Kenny opened the car door and walked out. "Oh. Never mind." Stan said. "How has he not died yet?" Ellie asked.

...

Leo was now at the mayors office. "I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful." The mayor said. "No, I kept this town safe. This happened because I was given a leave of absence for a month because I attempted to solve the Dr. Mephesto's murder attempt by tricking our detective agency into telling me what they would do." Leo explained. No one cares.

"What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?" A reporter asked. "No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force." The mayor answered. "Wait, what?" Leo was confused as to why no one was considering ending his leave.

"But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?" The reporter asked. "Uhhhhh, plan? I don't actually uh—" The mayor interrupted by one of her aides. "Reading classes, plain and simple. By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read, effective immediately." If it wasn't for him, the mayor wouldn't even have her job. Hell, he should probably be running this town. "Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!" The mayor announced.

"So we're just going to completely ignore our inactive police force?" Leo asked.

...

"Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady." None of the children said anything. Barbrady isn't even an officer anymore. "I can't see, dude!" Stan shouted. He was unfortunate enough to be sitting behind Barbrady.

"Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics." Barbrady raised his hand. "Y-yes, what is it?" asked. "I need to go poopies." Are they sure he ever went to kindergarten? "Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class." Mr. Garrison explained "Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?" Barbrady asked.

"Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?" Mr. Garrison asked. "How about a brain transplant?" Kyle suggested. That's a terrible idea. First, you'd need to find a neurosurgeon capable of performing it, then find a way to keep his immune system from attacking the brain. The technology isn't there yet, Kyle.

"Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it." Stan attempted to look around Barbrady to see what Mr. Garrison was writing.

"Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady." Barbrady began looking intensely. "Ahhh... O... O—" Mr Garrison imitated a buzzer sound. "Wrong! Try again dumbass!" He started cracking up. Ellie is also laughing.

"Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones." Ellie stopped laughing as Mr. Garrison said this. "Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared." "Uhhh...O—" Mr. Garrison repeated his buzzer sound. "Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?" "I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!" Mr. Garrison is laughing hysterically, with Ellie naturally joined him. "Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?" Barbrady asked. "No, we just fake it to shut him up." Stan replied. "Okay, heh, okay i'm sorry. I'm sorry, heh. Let's try again." Mr. Garrison is going to do this for a while.

...

"Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports. Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see..." Mr. Garrison was looking through the class. "Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?" Cartman tryed (and failed) to disguise his voice. "Eric, why don't you go first?" Cartman groaned. "What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I'm prepared!" Cartman lied.

He walked to the front of the class. "For my book report, I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?" At least he's acting prepared. "No, I can't say that I have." Mr. Garrison replied.

"Oh, good. In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel... which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it; I give it a B-minus." Is he grading the book, the movie, or the book report.

"And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!" I don't know if Mr. Garrison lied about not reading the book, or completely saw through what I think was an act, or just doesn't believe Cartman actually read a book. I didn't read the book either, I wouldn't know. "God damn it!" Everyone laughed at Cartman. Everyone. Every. One. **EVERYONE!**

"Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?" Mr. Garrison suggested. "I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, Go, Dog. Go!. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: 'Big... dog..., little... dog... A red dog... on a...' Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life." I never read that book either.

"Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an A." Mr. Garrison said. "Hooray!" Barbrady shouted. "Only a hundred more and he can leave." Jack added.

...

Barbrady, Kenny, and that Red haired girl were on the swings. Meanwhile, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Ellie are playing with a ball. That sounds wrong. Who wrote this? "Something is really bothering me." Ellie noted. "That Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much?" Stan asked. "No, Kenny keeps surviving near death scenarios." Ellie answered. This again? "Isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?" Kyle asked, focusing on the more important subject.

Barbrady got off the swings set, accidently propelling Kenny into a wall in the progress. "Oh, my God! They've killed—" Kenny got up. "Oh, never mind." Stan was relieved. "This is what I'm talking about. And his family doesn't even have insurance!" Ellie explained.

"Well, how's the reading coming along?" The mayor asked. "Oooh, Pretty good." Barbrady replied. "Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night." God damn! That guy must either have an unsatiable lust, or really doesn't want to f—"Oh no." I got interrupted again! I fucking stop time to narrate. Why does it keep unpausing?! "Ah, Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chicken-lover." Barbrady noted.

"This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic." The incredibly useful aide said. The one that would make a better mayor than the actual mayor. "Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?" Barbrady asked. "We found this at the crime scene." Leo noted. He held a note. "Oh, I can't read this. It has silent e's." Wait, Barbrady can't read silent E's, but he recognizes them?

"You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!" The mayor grabbed Barbrady and throttled him. "I'm doing the best I can. I even got a A on my book report." That statement was entirely true. No matter how much he does, he'd still have to wait some time before they can finally give him his job back.

"Listen, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!" The mayor threatened. "Wait, if Barbrady doesn't learn fast enough, they end my leave of absence?" Leo asked. The overly competent aide shrugged. The other aide popped the Boys ball. Seriously, this is terrible. "Why would you do that?!" Ellie screamed. "Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry." The mayor, and her aides. "So when can I expect to go back to work?" Leo asked.

"Oh boy, I'm in big trouble. I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos." Barbrady said, depressed. "It's cool, dude. We'll help you." Stan said. "Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under article 39, section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis." Barbrady said. Wait, How could Barbrady know that if he can't read? "Really? I wanna be a cop." Cartman added. The chance of police brutality has been multiplied eightfold, since Leonard disappearance. "Yeah, that sounds cool." Ellie added.

"You boys will be my deputies; you can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset." Barbrady said. "Wait, what about me?" Ellie asked. "What about you?" Barbrady was confused as to why he was being asked the question. "What do I do?" Ellie asked. Barbrady was still confused. "She's a girl." Kyle explained. "Ooooh." How did Barbrady not know this? "Well you can swing me on the swingset." He answered. "Dammit!" Ellie was disappointed to have the most boring and pointless of three roles.

"Do I get a nightstick?" Eric asked. "Sure, nightsticks for everybody!" He's just giving them away? If they were paying him, it would be illegal. "You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case." Barbrady ordered. "10-4, sergeant!" Cartman marched away. I don't like where this is going.

"Now, what did that clue say again?" Barbrady asked. "If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft." Stan read aloud. Why would the rapist leave a clue revealing where he'll be? What is he, the Riddler? "To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!" Barbrady announced. "Hooray!" The four kids shouted.

...

"Good day, friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading." The Booktastic Bus driver greeted them. Why is he still here? When does he leave? "We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft right away!" Barbrady requested. "Oohhh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous—" Oh god. "Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!" Barbrady interrupted the Bus driver before he could continue his nonsensical rambling.

"What's it say?" Kyle asked. "It says, 'Mmmuh-mmmuuh...' Uh, what's this word?" Barbrady asked Stan. "I." Stan answered. Barbrady can't read the letter I? Seriously? It's one letter. Does he not know the alphabet? Is that why he can't read? "Oh, yeah. "I... muh-mmuh—" Barbrady, you suck.

"Here, give me that." Kyle grabbed the book from Barbrady. "'I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond.'" Kyle read. "The only pond in South Park is Stark's pond." Ellie noted. "That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!" Wait a minute, "Quick Thinking"? Was that what the original script said? I have to rewatch season 2.

...

"In an update on the rampant crime sprees, Officer Barbrady has deputized a young boy, and tasked him with maintaining order while he and several other deputies help him solve the case of the Chicken Fucker." Leo continued to watch the news from his house. "Seriously. They have children working on this before letting me?" Leo was still on his indefinite leave of absence. "In other news, the Mayor is considering ending Officer Leonard Henderson's leave of absence." The news reported. "Finally!" Leo exclaimed.

"This is of course because of the reappearance of the unknown man who attacked the police station. He has been seen on a security camera at a store looting which he thwarted." The screen showed the camera's view of said man hit two looters with his baseball bat, before shooting three others and running away. "We can now add vigilantism onto his list of crimes. Some have begun praising his vaguely heroic acts in place of our missing police force, while others believe he is a threat because of his unknown intentions and involvement in the lose of our police force." Leo look intensely at the screen. "The question is of if he is an Anarchist trying to destroy society or a Vigilante taking law into his own hands remains. Either way, he's a criminal."

...

"Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!" Barbrady and his deputies arrived at Stark's pond to find an already raped chicken running around. "Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind." Stan noted. I don't think it would be running around like—Well, then again, that's all they do when they're not laying eggs.

"Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?" The priest could not believe this shit. "I would!" Everyone looked to the man who said that. "Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!" Mr. Garrison reminded. That's why he would. If he could screw anything, he would. "Oh yeah." Halfy walked away on his hands. Well, it's not impossible for him. Just really hard.

"That guy is kind of a dick." Ellie observed. "Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue." Barbrady reminded. After a few seconds of looking around, Kyle picked up a peice of paper. "Here! Here, I found one!" Kyle shouted. "What's it say!" Ellie asked. "It says, 'Read Teetle the Timid Ta- Taa- The Taxi—' What's this word?" Kyle gave the note to Stan. "I dunno." He passed it to Barbrady. "'Ta... ta... Taaguh—Taxidermist!'" Barbrady read. "I read it! I read it all by myself!" Not all by himself. Kyle got as far as taxi.

...

Outside the bookstore, the vigilante was beating the crap out of looters with a baseball bat. "'Tee-tle the timid taxidermist... loves..to...' Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!" Inside, officer Barbrady is gaving up.

"How's it goin', dude?" Kyle asked. "Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop!" Barbrady started crying. "Come on, dude, it's not that hard!" Stan said. "It is too!" Barbrady defended. "Just read the sentence already!" Ellie yelled, irritated by the amount of nothing she's been doing since being deputized. In all honesty, she's mostly just here so we can see the main story since there isn't enough subplot to use that alone for a chapter.

"Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-pet—" Barbrady read. "Come on, dumbass, you can do it!" Kyle shouted. "'Pet-' Wait a minute." Barbrady remembered something Mr. Garrison said about verbs. "FUCKING READ IT ALREADY!" Ellie yelled. "Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!" And then everyone left.

...

"Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute." Barbrady and his deputies began watching the chicken. Why does the petting zoo have only one chicken? "Maybe we were wrong about the clue." Stan said. "Yeah, maybe you read it wrong." Kyle agreed.

Meanwhile, someone was sneaking around in the bushes. "Oh no." Barbrady heard his movements. "Shhh!" The guy made a grab for the chicken when they looked around to find out where the noises were coming from. "Keep your eyes peeled." Barbady instructed. The chicken got raped in the bushes. The noises the chicken made led everyone to the bush the chicken fucker fucked her in.

Ellie jumped in. "I got him!" She yelled, right before being launched out of the bushes, and onto Kenny. "Ow, fuck!" "Oh my god, they've killed—" Kenny shoved Ellie off of him and said something I couldn't hear. "Godammit!" Stan shouted. Wow. Kenny can't seem to get killed today.

"I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!" Barbrady shouted. First, Richard Nixon died along time ago, unless we're thinking of two different people. "Uh, I think that's a mask, dude." Stan noted. Second, he's wearing a mask. "Oh." Barbrady unmasked the chickenfucker to reveal him to be— "The bookmobile driver!" Ellie exclaimed, as if this were a Scooby Doo episode. "Caught you red-handed!" Barbrady said.

"Indeed you did. How did you know I would strike here?" That's like the Riddler asking Batman how he finds him when he lives riddles telling him. Fucking stupid. "You left clues are over the place, dumbass!" Ellie yelled. "By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist." Barbrady answered. I'm pretty sure Ellie was trying to avoid telling him that. "You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly!" Seriously. He wanted to get arrested?

"What are you talking about, dude?!" Stan asked. "When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!" The Bookmobile driver said. That doesn't make any sense!

"So you fucked a bunch of chickens?" Kyle asked. "Yes! Yes, exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate." There are plenty of ways he could have done that, without fucking chickens. "That doesn't... make a whole..lot of sense, dude." Stan said. How did he know Barbrady was illiterate? Chicken's were fucked before Barbrady admitted he was illiterate. Either he found out somehow before everyone else, or there's TWO chickenfuckers.

"Oh, no? He who was blind can now see! I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly." He just got lucky. "You realize your entire plan would have been put in jeopardy if my dad got his job back?" Ellie asked. Even she sees what's wrong with the plan. The only reason this worked, is because the vigilante killed everyone in the police force except Barbrady. Wait! Could he be the vigilante? Destroying the police force to advance his master plan?

"Freeze! Put your hands in the air!" Cartman arrived. "Cartman!" Kyle exclaimed. "I got reports that the suspect is in this area!" Cartman explained. "Oh yeah, the Bookmobile driver is the chicken fucker." Ellie explained. "Aha!" Cartman smacked the driver on the leg with his baton. "Ow, that hurts!" He fell over. "Woah dude!" Stan exclaimed. "Cartman!" Kyle shouted. "No, no, that's not how you uphold the law!" Barbrady scolded, as he took back his baton.

"Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!" Authoritah? "Oohhh, ohh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this:" Barbrady hit the bookmobile driver on the head. "You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker." Police brutality confirmed.

"I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job!" Barbrady said. "Hooray!" The boys cheered. Ellie was disappointed she didn't get to do anything. "Hey! So what are you going to do now?" Stan asked. "Now? Well, I-ee-uh... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book." Roll credits.

...

**Me: This chapter took way longer than I expected.**

**ETT: Your not even done. You missed the parade.**

**Me: Apparently the narrative is even more broken than before. And has the ability to end a chapter with the words roll credits.**

...

"And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case." Leo watched the news again. I wonder if he ever left that couch other than those two times he left to talk with the mayor? "Thank you, everybody. Thank you." Barbrady said.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" The crowd chanted. "What?" Barbrady asked. "They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady; about the whole experience over the last couple of days." Stan explained. "Oh. Okay, uh... Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious." Barbrady started.

"Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read, your days are numbered! And finally, I'd like to say that reading. Totally. Sucks. Ass!" Yeah! Wait, what?! "Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again!" Wait a minute, The Bookmobile driver never gave him that book in this fanfic. How did he get it?

"So there was no point to any of this." Jack said. As the parade got moving, a tree was knocked onto Kenny, killing him. And no one noticed.


	18. Ike's bris

**Me: This chapter is going to focus on a bery important aspect to Jack and Ellie's relationship.**

**ETC: What?**

**Me: No incest.**

**ETC: Uh, okay.**

**Me: It also has an antidrug message.**

**Mr. Mackey: That's good. Because drugs are bad, m'kay.**

**Me: You know what else is bad? Not giving the Disclaimer.**

**Mr. Mackey: Anonymous Fanz does not own South Park, m'kay. He only owns, Jack and Ellie Henderson. M'kay.**

...

"Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey." Mr. Garrison explained. "Booooo!" A student imitated Mr. Mackey's voice. "No—now, who was that? That is not appropriate behavior! M'kay?" Mr. Mackey shouted. "I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" The student apologized, while still imitating the voice of Mackey. "Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again." Mr. Mackey warned.

"We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?" Another student imitated the voice of Mackey. The whole class started laughing. Except Jack, because he's sleeping. "Uh, okay, m'kay, that's fine." Mr. Mackey answered. "Okay?" Cartman asked, suprised he didn't "M'kay". "Okay." Mr. Mackey repeated, causing the class to laugh again, except Jack, who's still sleeping.

"Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad. You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad. You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs." Okay then. "Okay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?"

Stan raised his hand. "Yes, Stan?" Mr. Mackey asked. "Why do dogs have cold noses?" Stan asked. "Uhhh, well, I'm not sure. Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana. Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell." What the hell? "So you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on." Is this legal? Pip sniffed the leaf of marijuana being passed around.

"And when it gets back up to me, we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you—" Nope! I am not narrating this. Screw you guys, I'm going home!

...

**Me: He just ended the story again! How is he doing that! Well, time for take 2!**

**Mr. Mackey: Anonymous Fanz does not own South Park, m'kay. He only owns, Jack and Ellie Henderson. M'kay.**

**...**

"Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?" Kyle asked his friends, while Mr. Mackey was talking about drugs or achohol or something. "Jack! Kyle's little brother is having a party!" Ellie exclaimed. Jack didn't hear, because he was asleep.

Ellie jabbed him in the back with a pen. "OW! WHAT THE FUCK!" Jack screamed. "Jack! That language is not appropriate! M'kay." Mackey scolded. "I'm sorry, I got poked with a pen while I was sleeping." Jack replied. "Well, you shouldn't be sleeping. This is very important stuff. M'kay." Mackey continued to talk about drugs and stuff.

"Jack, I have to go!" Ellie said. "Go where?" Jack asked. "To the party at Kyle's house!" Ellie repeated, annoyed. "Why?" Jack asked. "Because they have food and a band, so I have to go!" Ellie answered. She means wants, not have.

"Okay. Now, children, has that Marijawana made it around yet?" Mr. Mackey asked. "Marijawana?" Jack repeated, confused. "Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?" Mr. Mackey asked. The class was confused. "Ummm okay, who—whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?" The students did no such thing. "Uh-oh." Mr. Mackey said, realizing someone stole the Marijuana. My money is on Mr. Garrison, because he seems to have disappeared.

...

"Man! That sucked, getting searched." Stan said. "Yeah, my ass is killing me." Cartman added. "Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us!" Kyle complained. "I wonder who took it." Cartman asked.

Suddenly, Ellie had an idea. "Hey Kyle! If we found out who stole the marijawana, could we go to your party?" Ellie asked. "I don't really care who took it." Kyle replied. "I do! They should pay for making us have to get searched!" Stan said. "So we have a deal?" Ellie asked. "Fine." Kyle reluctantly answered.

...

Ellie and Jack returned to the classroom. "Who could have stolen it?" Jack asked. "I bet it was Kenny. No one uses more drugs than poor people." Ellie said. She just wants an excuse to kill Kenny. "It couldn't be. It would have reached Stan, Kyle, and Cartman first. And none of them saw it." Jack noted.

"We should probably try and figure out who got it first, and who it was passed to." Jack added. "I am the detective! I have the Sherlock Holmes hat and a bubble pipe!" When the hell did Ellie get those? She didn't have them when she walked in. "So what's your idea?" Jack asked. "Uh, we do what you said." Ellie answered.

...

The first person they went to see was Pip. "Ok Pip, tell us what you did when you got the marijawana?" Jack asked, the moment they saw him. "Righto, I sniffed it, like Mr. Mackey told me to—" Pip started. "And then you stole it!" Ellie accused. "Uh, No. I passed it on to Terrence." Pip said. "Of course it was him!" Ellie exclaimed, excited to accuse her ex-rival.

...

They found him shortly later. "Terrence, I should have known it was you!" Ellie accused. "What?" Terrence asked. "She thinks you took the marijuana." Jack exlained. "NO! Why would I take the marijuana?" He asked. "So you could clone it, and overwhelm the drug market, making millions of dollars!" Ellie answered. "That's incredibly stupid!" Terrence yelled. Actually, if you could clone marijuana, it could be grown faster and more controlably, making it easier to sell without getting caught. And it would also be much cheaper than growing it. "Terrence, if you don't have it, who did you pass it to?" Jack asked. "Wendy Testaburger." Ellie ran off.

...

When Jack finally caught up with Ellie, he found her searching the entire Testaburger house for the marijuana. "Ellie, what are you doing?" Jack asked. "I'm looking for the drugs." Ellie answered. "Instead of instantly accusing the last person we heard got the marijuana, wouldn't talking to each one to find out who didn't pass it to anyone be a better idea?" Jack asked. "I am the detective! I make the decisions!" Ellie shouted.

"What are you doing in my house?!" Wendy asked. "Ellie thinks you took the Marijuana." Jack explained. "But I passed it to you!" Wendy yelled. That doesn't make any sense! "It makes perfect sense!" Goddammit, Ellie. "Unable to handle the pressure from dealing with other people's crap, you decided to try some Marijuana to ease the pain!" Ellie. What the fuck. "Are you sure you didn't take it?" Jack asked. That sounds like a possibility. Taking the job as investigator, so she could frame someone.

"Don't try to pin this on me! I never even saw the stuff!" Ellie replied. "I didn't see it either! It can't have been me!" Jack said. "How do I know I can trust you?" Ellie asked. "You know what! I don't need you to find out what happened!" Jack yelled. "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't need you!" Ellie shouted back. The two left.

"What the hell am I supposed to do about this mess?!" Wendy asked. "She seriously thinks I would use the fucking drugs. Is she that stupid?!" Jack walked home. "I was asleep for most of the time. If Wendy gave it to me, I wouldn't notice." He stopped. "Wait a minute." Jack figured out who stole the Marijuana.

...

"Woah. So Mr. Garrison took it?" Stan sked. I knew it! "Yep. I went with the principal to his house, and sure enough, Mr. Garrison was on the same Marijuana Mr. Mackey lost." Jack said. "So I guess that means you're coming to Kyle's brother's Bris." Stan said. "I know my sister is. She's the one that wants to go." Jack answered. "Oh, okay." Stan said. "I mean, I don't see what's the need for this big of a party. It's just a circumcision." Jack said. Stan started running. "What the hell?" Jack asked.

...

"Hey, Ellie. I found the Marijuana. Mr. Garrison took it while I was sleeping." Ellie was very pissed off right now. "You can go to the party now." She's still pissed. "Ellie?" She isn't responding. "Are you made because I found him without you?" Jack asked. Ellie didn't say anything. "Come on. It's just some stolen drugs." Jack said. Ellie glared at him. "I didn't even get anything for finding him." Jack added. Ellie didn't move. "What the fuck did I do wrong?" Jack asked. Ellie continued to glare at him. "I'm not even going to the party." Jack said.

He pulled out a piece of candy, and waved it around in Ellie's face. She bit Jack's hand, in order to get the candy. "Ok, fuck!" Jack rubbed his hand. "Aw, now it's covered in spit. God damn it." Jack wiped the spit on his jacket.

...

A few days later, Ike was seemingly killed, but this turned out to be a misunderstanding involving a dummy made from bones, and Miles new job at a train station. The entire incident wasn't considered important enough to include in the story. Jack and Ellie came, because Ellie still wanted the food, and Jack doesn't trust her at a party by herself. Ellie is still pissed off.

Jack noticed Ike wandering into Kyle's room, and followed him. "Oh deh family nrr." He showed Kyle a photo album. "What do you want?" Kyle asked. Ike babbled while showing pictures of him and Kyle together. "Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!" Kyle shouted. Apparently during the incident, Kyle found out Ike was adopted. And also Canadian. The second one becomes more important later on in the series, so don't worry too much about it for now.

"Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude." Stan noted. "No way! There's no real connection between us! It was all a big lie!" Kyle yelled. "Cookie monster. Two, three, four, five." Ike flipped through the album. "Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!" Kyle shouted. "Dude, you're being a giant dick." Jack said. "I may not like Ellie, or the shit she makes me go through for her, but she's my sister. Nothing is going to change that." He said. Ike put on one of Kyle's caps.

...

"There you are. Come on Ike, it's time." Dr. Schwartz, the one that was going to perform the bris entered the room shortly later. Ike began hugging Kyle tightly. "You stay away from my little brother!" Kyle yelled. " Bu-bu-but, son, I just—" Before Dr. Schwartz could explain, "You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!" Kyle yelled. "Wait, what?" Jack asked. "What's a wee wee?" Ellie asked, as she and Kyle's mom walked in. It's not that she doesn't know what a penis is. It's actually the opposite; Penis is the only name Ellie knows it by.

"Kyle, what are you talking about?" Shiela asked. "And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!" Oh, they mistakened Circumcision for Castration. "Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye." Cartman added. Wait, what? "What the fuck?!" Jack asked.

"Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and... his brother had it." Dr. Schwartz explained. "No! No, it isn't true!" Kyle yelled. "We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger." Dr. Schwartz explained. "Oh, you're talking about penises." Ellie finally realized. God damn it, Ellie.

...

Sometime later. "Thanks." Jack said. "For what?" Ellie asked. "If you didn't accuse me of taking the drugs, I never would have figured out it was Mr. Garrison." Jack answered. "You're welcome." Ellie said. She wasn't pissed off anymore, so that was good. "I'm kinda tired." Ellie climbed onto Jack's back. Jack carried Ellie home while she slept the entire trip.


	19. Vietnam war report

**Me: I've been editing chapters. Mostly, it's just dialogue adjustments for grammar and to adjust various lines from my characters to better fit what I want their personalities to be. Because I started this fanfic with a rough idea of how it would go, but now have a clear vision of what it should be.**

**ETC: The living narrator also got moved to those chapters.**

**Me: Honestly, I stopped giving a crap halfway through the edits. At least he isn't messing with the story during those chapters.**

**Jimbo: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything Except Jack, Ellie, Leonard, Joel, and Tsunavavich.**

**Me: I was originally going to upload this on Veterans day, but I uploaded a chapter for a different story instead. Also, this chapter is short, since I didn't use half of the episode, so it ends sooner.**

...

"Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?" Cartman asked. Mr. Garrison wrote it on the board but did nothing else. "'What's Vietnam?' A question a child might ask, but not a childish question." Mr. Garrison laughed. He's acting weirder than normal. "Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war." Mr. Garrison said. "That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky." Mr. Hat added. Like his dicky.

"Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?" Kyle asked. Mr. Garrison paused. He thought back to some memories involving military showers. "No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was." He answered, after a brief moment of silence.

"Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper." Mr. Garrison said. "Awww!" The class was not happy. "Son of a bitch!" Some more than others. "I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it." Mr. Garrison said.

"What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?" Cylde asked. "Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit." All that for not knowing someone that was in 'nam?!

...

Jack, Ellie, Cylde, Craig teamed up, because who cares. "Dad, were you in Vietnam?" Ellie asked. Leonard froze, remembering the war. People being shot all around him, to be replaced by new people who would suffer the same fate. Explosions all around him. Being shipped out due to hand injuries keeping him from holding a gun, and a damaged mental state. "Yes, Ellie, I was." He answered, after a long moment of silence.

"For a report, we have to interview someone we know about how Vietnam affected them. Could we ask you a few questions, sir?" Cylde asked. "No!" Leo slammed the door to the bunker.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now?" Craig asked. "I dunno. I really thought he'd help. It's just a few questions." Ellie said. "I think you underestimate the life-scarring effects of war on veterans." Jack noted. "So what the hell are going to do? We can't just make something up. Mr. Garrison will figure it out just by reading the paper." Craig said. Jack suddenly had an idea.

...

"...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp. Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride. So was the horror of Vietnam." Stan read his report. As told to him by his uncle. "The end." The boys finished.

"Are there any questions?" Kyle asked. "Yes. Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?" Mr. Garrison asked. "From Vietnam veterans." Stan answered. "Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie." Mr. Garrison said. Actually, that was a partly true story. "No, no, we didn't—" Stan wasn't able to finish. "You all receive an F." Mr. Garrison said. "Minus." So that's how he fails them badly enough to get them a job as a sceptic tank cleaner.

"F-minus? Can he do that?" Kyle asked. "Bu-but we're not making it up, it was—" Stan tried to explain what happened, but Mr. Garrison wasn't going to listen. "Stanley, the Vietnam War was WAR! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides!" Mr. Garrison ranted. There haven't been galloping steeds in wars since WW1, when they became obsolete. That was during Joel's time. "How do you know? You weren't even there!" Kyle replied. "Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "Aaaawwww!"

"Ok, so who's next?" He asked. Jack, Ellie, Craig, and Clyde went up. "The Vietnam War had severe effects on the soldiers who survived it. In a lot of ways, the war never ended for some of them. Like my dad, who refused to talk about it, because of what I can only assume is a lot of pain and suffering he deals with because of the war. I think it's the reason he doesn't do much anymore." Jack read. "The end." They finished.

"Alright, you get an A-plus." Mr. Garrison graded. "What?! They didn't even say anything about the war!" Stan yelled. "Maybe not, but they definitely didn't pull that report out of their asses." Mr. Garrison said. Actually, Jack did pull the idea to write that out of his ass. Irony.

...


	20. Independant films

**Me: You might have noticed I'm skipping more episodes. It's for the same reason I didn't do volcano: I don't have enough stuff to have Jack and Ellie do in them. I don't want to have them just talking along side the main plot. I want to have some kind of role in their own parallel adventures. The only exceptions are when an episode has a main story that I can link them directly to, when there's one or more instances I just had to write, amd when something important to my story happens. I might go back and add the missed chapters another time when I have new ideas, but for now they won't be made any time soon.**

**ETC: I hope you're ready for the return of Mr. Hankey kids. 'Cause it's Christmas.**

**MR. Twig: Anonymous Fanz doesn't own anything except for Jack and Ellie Henderson. Chef's fudge cookies are all products of Chef's soul food.**

...

"Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?" Mr. Hat had been replaced by a stick in the previous episode because Mr. Hat apparently went missing. "That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today." Mr. Twig said. "Wow! Cool!" Wendy exclaimed. "They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?" Kyle asked. Wait, which Godzilla movie? When was this episode made again?

"No, no, Kyle. These are independent films." Mr. Garrison corrected. "Ooooh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too." Stan said. "I liked Independence Day. 'Welcome to Earth'!" Ellie punched Jack in the face. "What the fuck!" Jack yelled.

"No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding." Naturally, Cartman finds someone to go offend. "No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood." Wendy corrected. I have yet to see one more interesting than what Cartman said it was.

"Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film thatisn't about gay cowboys eating pudding." Cartman was unconvinced. Mainly because Hollywood is pretty much the only place in America capable of producing high quality movies. "Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!" Wendy retorted. "I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!" Cartman shouted back. "More like you're outgrowing your body." Jack muttered.

"Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "Bitch!" Cartman repeated. "That's it, Eric! You—" Mr. Garrison didn't have to finish. "I'm going!" Whether he was going to the office or home was not specified. But that "Bitch!" Was directed. He could have been using it as emphasis, or exclamation.

"Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it." Mr. Garrison said. The students were very clearly displeased. "The first film showing is called 'Witness To Denial', and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love." Mr. Garrison said. "Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer." Stan noted. Well, we've learned that Jimbo watches lesbian porn. "Why the fuck do you know that?" Jack asked. That's a good question.

...

"I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!" Cartman yelled. I'm still not sure if he actually went. "She's not my girlfriend!" Stan shouted. Kenny reminded everyone why. Kyle, Cartman, and Ellie laughed. "You're disgusting." Jack said.

"Woah, that's a lot of people!" Ellie noticed the large crowd. "All this for a bunch of stupid movies?" Kyle asked. "The people of Los Angeles like to hang out in small mountain towns every once in a while." Jack explained.

The boys (and Ellie) went to some stand Chef was selling baked goods at. "Hello there, children!" Chef announced. "Hey Chef." They replied. "Whatcha doin'?" Stan asked. "Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!" Chef explained.

"Cookies?!" Ellie exclaimed. "What kind of cookies?" Cartman asked. "Calm down, Tubby." Stan warned. Ellie gets a pass because she's six. Even though she's tall enough to pretend to be seven. "They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, 'Fudge 'Ems'" Chef explained, while pulling out a box. "I wanna fudge 'em!" Cartman exclaimed.

"I can just see the commercial now." Chef said. "Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems." Chef immitates the comericial he envisioned. "Cool!" Kyle exclaimed. "And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, 'Fudge This'." Chef picked up another box.

"Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares. How quaint." A movie director and his lady companion walked up to Chefs stand. "This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture." The lady said. "Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, 'Go Fudge Yourself,' or my all-natural, 'I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge'." Chef recommended, pulling up more boxes. "How many does he have?" Jack asked.

"Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?" The lady asked. So much for simple culture. "Huh?" Chef had no idea what those were. "I would kill for some cous cous right now." The director added. "Whose goose?" Chef asked. I'm so glad he didn't live to see the gentrification of South Park. "Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A." The lady and the director left a very confused Chef. "Cute sign, though." The director added as he left. The sign read "Chef's soul food".

"Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?" Wendy said. Wait a minute! When did she get here? Cartman mocked her voice. I don't understand what he was actually saying while he did so, but Ellie found it funny and laughed at it. "Shut up, Cartman!" Stan snapped.

Stan looked back to Wendy. "Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway." Stan and Wendy left. "She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him." Cartman said. "If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over." Kyle added. "Hey Kenny, wanna go to the movies?" Ellie asked. Kenny vanished mysteriously.

"Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! 'I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!'" Chef pulled out another box. "Where is he getting those from?" Jack asked.

...

Jack and Ellie joined the boys the next day. "It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!" Kyle was talking with his friends. "That's impossible. He Only shows up in Christmas, and that was a few months ago." Jack interjected. "Well, I'm sure it was him." Kyle said.

"Look! Look! Here comes somebody!" A crowd formed infront of a limo. "Who is it? I can't see!" Ellie complained. Jack lifted Ellie onto his shoulders, so she could see from the height of a short teenager. "Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage." Who the fuck is that? The crowd left disappointed. Jack dropped Ellie. "Ow!" Ellie yelped.

"So how was that movie last night, dude?" Kyle asked. "It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?" Cartman asked. "Yeah, pretty much." Stan replied. "Yeah!" Cartman was now waiting for the chance to rub it in Wendy's face.

"The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen." Stan complained. "Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass." Kyle suggested. Stan, Ellie, and Kenny laughed. Cartman yelled "AIY!". "Dude, now that'd be like IMAX." Stan said. Kyle, Kenny, and Ellie laughed. "Okay, that's enough fatass jokes for this week." Cartman declared. Kenny made on last joke. Ellie fell over laughing.

"Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home." Cartman didn't go anywhere. "Hurry up!" Jack yelled. "I'm gonna, just give me a minute." Eric said. "His ass if so fat, he can't even watch movies, because his ass always blocks the screen, and he gets kicked out during the previews!" Ellie added. No one laughed because the joke was terrible.

"Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, 'Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls'." Chef gave the children samples. "Are they good?" Stan asked. "Try 'em." Chef replied. They each ate one brown ball. "Hey dude, these are good!" Stan exclaimed. "Can I have more Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef?" Ellie asked. Kenny laughed at the innuendo.

"There it is again!" Kyle said. I didn't hear anything. "There what is again?" Stan asked. "It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble." Kyle explained. "That's great! I hope that piece of shit dies!" Jack added. "Where does that grill go?" Kyle asked. "Obviously, the sewer." Jack answered. "Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!" Kyle exclaimed.

Kyle walked and stopped when he realized they weren't following him. "Kyle, I think we might have to commit you again." Jack said. Although, he was mostly trying to avoid the talking poo. "Yeah, I'd rather stay here and suck Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls." Ellie added. God dammit, Ellie.

Chef sang a song about his Chocolate balls. And naturally, as many innuendos were used as possible. The Boys left, but Jack and Ellie stayed above ground.

...

"So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears." A director announced. "Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?" Kyle interrupted. "Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?" A director asked. Everyone started talking pictures of Kyle. "Ohuh no, wait, that's not him." The director realized. They must be really desperate to see people.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food." Kyle said. "Oh, fuck you!" Jack yelled.

"Excuse me, little boy, what's a 'Mr. Hankey'?" A female director asked. "He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer." Kyle answered. "But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer." Egosystem? That wasn't a typo, right? "If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, a—and I don't want him to die." This speech worked slightly better than the one he gave to the visitors.

But that doesn't say much. "What a great story-it has everything!" A director said. "This could be the next Free Willy." The female Director added. "Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?" Another director asked. "Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?" The boys were very confused right now. "It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle." One director added. "This could be a great summer movie." The Director who mistook Kyle for people said. "Can we put a mon-key in it?" Another female Director asked.

"'The Mr. Hankey Stor—' uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?" A Director started a casting chant. "Keanu Reeves!" "Matt Damon!" "Fred Savage!" Everyone laughed at the idea. "Aw, he thinks he's people." Ellie said. Wait, is Fred Savage there? Who or what is he? "I'd pay a million for this story!" A director noted. "I'd pay two." The Directors got into a bidding war. "Yes, I'd pay fifty million dollars for it." Is that a french guy? The fuck?

"Wow, that backfired nicely." Jack was very happy to see Mr. Hanky was going to suffer at the Director's expense. Literally. They were paying money to make things worse for him. "Dude, no one even listened to me." Kyle complained. "No, they listened. They just missed point." Ellie noted.

A Director took Jack aside. "I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?" The Director asked. "Yes." Jack lied. "I want you to do a big-money deal with me." The Director explained. "Then why didn't you talk to Kyle?" Jack asked. "Mm, wweeelll, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?" The director was planning to turn Jack on them. "Not really. I hate most of them." Jack replied. "Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal." Wait a minute, he just stole Cartman's deal. That little bastard!

...

"Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight." The film was in the theater before Kyle could even see the real Mr. Hankey. "No, I'm not leaving without you." They changed Mr. Hankey into a talking monkey. "We started this together, we're gonna finish it together." The monkey held the protagonists hand. "They have Roddy McDowall as a talking monkey?" Jack asked. "I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not." And Tom Hanks had the lead. "Tom Hanks can't act worth shit. Who the hell cast this?" Jack asked. "Are you nitpicking your own movie?" Ellie asked. "I wasn't the one who cast it." Jack replied.

...

"So, where is my money?" Jack asked. "Mm, right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!" The director took most of the money. "HELP! I'M BEING RAPED!" Jack yelled. Relax, it's only metaphorical rape. A crowd rushed to the area. Jack grabbed the money and ran.

...

_The Director went bankrupt trying to pay for the movie with his own money. Cartman successfully made money selling shirts for the movie, each for 14.95. Kenny died under mysterious circumstances. Ellie tried to learn his fate, but was unable to discover it before he revived and her memory of his death was wiped. Stan was forced to watch "A Bunch of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding" in color with Wendy. Kyle brought Mr. Hankey to the surface. Mr. Hankey flooded the town with poo in order to remove the Hollywood directors and restore South Park to normal. Jack disappeared for the remainder of the episode. It remains unknown what happened to the money he stole._


	21. A chicken pox on Kenny's house!

**Me: The chickenpox episode. I have been waiting to do this one since I started working on season 2.**

**Dr. Doctor: Anonymous Fanz does not own anything except for Jack, Ellie, and Leonard Henderson.**

...

"Why do you want to go to Kenny's house?" Jack asked. Ellie was apparently trying to get inside the McCormick's home. "Because Kenny has chicken pox, and I want to get it so I can skip a week of school." Ellie explained.

The boys (minus Kenny) and their moms (minus Kenny's) arrived. Cartman was singing a song that was offensive poor people. "Look, the Henderson kids are here. Is your friend Kenny home?" Shiela Broflovski asked. "Yeah, but they won't let us in." Ellie explained. Stan knocked on the door. "Yeah?" Stuart McCormick amswered the door. "We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny." Stan explained.

"What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with—" Kenny's mom whispered their plan to him: Get the kids sick with chicken pox while their still young, so they don't get it worse later in life. "Oh yeah." He said. "Catch what?" Stan overhead part of what she said. "Nothin'. Uh, co, uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner." Everyone walked into his house.

...

Oh, and Cartman is still singing. "Sshh! Cartman!" Stan tried to stop Cartman while they were in the home of the poor. "What?" He asked. "Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!" Kenny said he didn't want to. "I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!" She yelled. Kyle laughed. "Buns."

Kenny walked over. "Hey you guys, what's goin' on?" He asked. "Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!" Stan exclaimed. His sister Shelly also has chicken pox, and was the reason all this started.

"Where is the Nintendo?" Cartman asked, looking around. "They don't have one. Their TV doesn't even have color." Jack explained. Another season. "Oh my God. This is like a third-world country." Kyle said. "At least you didn't have to live her for a month." Ellie reminded. Kenny described it as one of the worst experiences of his life. Even worse than his deaths? He really hates Ellie.

"Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner." Stuart instructed. "Good, I'm starving." Cartman said.

...

"Let's say grace." Kenny's mom said. "I'm not religious." Jack reminded. "Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen." Stuart prayed. "Amen." Every religous person in the room said. Except Cartman.

"Okay, let's dig in." Stuart dropped a waffle in the tooster. "What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?" Cartman asked. "Cartman, these are poor people. We're lucky they have any waffles to begin with." Jack explained. "Poor people suck!" Cartman shouted.

Stuart decided to use small talk why they wait for the waffles. "So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?" Stuart asked, trying to change the subject. "I don't know." Kyle answered. "Stuart, don't even get started! " Kenny's mom didn't want to hear the rant she knew he was going to follow with. "What? I'm just askin' a question." Stuart dismissed.

"You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack." He started telling the story. "But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!" And he's ranting now. "I heard that!" Cartman exclaimed.

"That ain't why, Stuart! It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!" And the rants lead to arguments. "Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!" And arguments lead to fights. "What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!" And that is why no one can acomplish anything in the McCormick's home. "You just don't know how to use spices and stuff." The waffles popped up. "You don't use spices on waffles!" Jack ranted. God damn it.

"Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother." Kevin, Kenny's older brother was forced to share his waffle, which he'd already called dibs on. "Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?" Carman was not happy he had to share waffles for dinner. "Hey! We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole!" Stuart yelled. But apparently, "Hell", "Retard", and "Asshole" are fair play. Cartman grumbled something about side dishes.

Kenny sneezed. "Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them." His mom instructed. Kenny sneezed on Cartman. "AIY!"

...

"Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?" Cartman was pissed off because the toaster stopped working, so his waffle wasn't warmed. Whether it was due to a loss of power or the toaster being crap remains to be seen.

"At least you're only staying for the night. I had to live here for a whole month." Jack reminded. He walk out the door. "Wait, where are you going?" Stan asked. "I didn't bring a sleeping bag, and I don't want to get sick, so screw you guys, I'm going home." Jack left. "AIY! You can't say— AIY! Come back, I'm not done yelling at you!" Cartman yelled.

"Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with." Kyle said. Stan and Kyle opened Terrence and Philip sleeping bags. Cartman did not follow their plan. "Cartman, what the hell is that?" Kyle asked. "It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?" Why would he think that? "No, it's not cool!" Kyle yelled. A rat ran by.

"Dude, I think I just saw a rat!" Stan exclaimed. "Oh crap!" Ellie jumped onto Kenny's bed. "Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!" Cartman asked. "Uh-huh." Kenny confirmed. "Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha." Cartman warned. Then we can add being stoned to one of Kenny's deaths.

"I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats." Stan noted. Kenny angrily yelled in response. "Oh." The lights were turned off. "I'm not sleeping on the floor." Ellie declared. Kenny made an offer. "No, fuck you!" Ellie kicked Kenny out of his bed.

...

Ellie returned to what was left of her home. "Ellie, where were you?" Leonard asked when she came in. "Kenny's house." She answered. "Oh. Wait, why?" Leo asked. "Because they have actual beds, and we don't." Ellie replied.

"She's trying to get chicken pox." Jack explained. "Oh. Wait, why?" Leo asked. "So she can skip school." Jack answered. "Oh. Okay." Leo left the bunker. "Can I go back until I catch it?" Ellie asked. "Yeah, sure." Leo replied.

...

Apparently Stan and Cartman caught Chickenpox, but Kyle was completely unaffected. The two things strange about this is that the virus doesn't typically spread in under twenty four hours. In Stan's case, he might have gotten it from his sister, but Cartman's case suggests that this is may be a mutated strain of the virus, which is probably why it's spreading so fast. But that's not relevant to the story right now.

Kyle got sent back to Kenny's house, with Ellie. "Could we go home now, Ma?" Kyle asked. "No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more." Shiela instructed. "But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do." complained said.

"I've got a great game for you. It's called 'ookie mouth'." Shiela has an idea. "What's that?" Ellie asked. "First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say 'ookie mouth' at the same time." She was hoping that this game would give Kyle the virus. "Sick dude!" Kyle yelled. "No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it." Shiela assured. She went on to talk about the hot water being served because the McCormicks can't afford tea bags.

"Ookie mouth!" Kyle spat Kenny's spit out. "Gross! I can't do it, Ma!" Kyle yelled. "Try agin, Bubbe!" Shiela replied. Kenny spat again. "Argh!" Kyle wasn't ready, and it landed on his face. After several more failed attempts resulted in Kyle's face and hat being covered in saliva, he walked back to his mother.

"Oh, it's my turn." Ellie said. Kenny froze. "Spit in my mouth Kenny! Do it!" Were it any other girl, Kenny would do it without question. But this was Ellie. Kenny was afraid of Ellie because of the multiple time's she's killed him. After several seconds, he finally decided to do it. "Ow! You got it in my eye!"

...

"And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?" Mr. Garrison explain something that had been pissing Leo off for years because people didn't know. Kyle raised his hand "Yes, Kyle?" Mr. Garrison asked. "What the hell does that have to do with American history?" Kyle asked. "Uh, that's a good question, Kyle." Mr. Garrison did not have an answer.

"Are there any other questions?" Ellie raised her hand. "Why is it that we're the only ones that haven't caught chicken pox?" Ellie asked. "How the hell should I know?" Mr. Garrison asked. "You're the one that asked for a question." Jack replied. "Shut up Jack, nobodies talking to you!" Mr. Garrison yelled.

"Can we just get our homework and leave since all we're doing is asking questions?" Ellie asked. "Sure, why not. I'm going to assign you all a paper." Mr. Garrison liked the idea of taking the day off while the students were sick. "Fuck you, Ellie!" Jack yelled.

"The theme of the paper will be, 'How I would make America better'." Mr. Garrison explained. Donald Trump has some ideas. "We're gonna build a wall!"

"Well, I already did that." Jack opened his bag, and pulled a out a paper. It rolled across the room as he unfolded it. "No wait, this is the world." Jack shoved it back into his bag. The fact that he has plans for the world is mildly creepy.

...

"This sucks! I went slept at Kenny's three days in a row, and I'm still not sick!" Ellie yelled, as she walked back into the basement bunker. "Dad, how long does it take to get chicken pox?" Ellie asked. "I dunno. I never got it." He said. What? "Wait, why?" Jack asked. "Because one in a thousand people are immune to sickness, and I'm the one." Leonard answered. So he's one of those people that never get's sick.

"What?!" Ellie yelled. "Yeah, I don't generally get sick. You probably inherited that from me." Leo explained. "So I was going to Kenny's house, letting him cough on me, swallowing his spit, and sleeping in his bed, to catch a virus I'm immune to?!" Ellie asked. "Yeah." Leo said. "God damn it!" Ellie stormed out of the bunker, so she could kill Kenny out of rage.

"Wait, she slept in his bed?" Joel asked. "OH SHIT!" Jack and Leo yelled.


	22. The ultimate prank master

**Me: We have a second submission from mynameisgoofy. I am hoping the next submitted character is female because I already have two male ocs submitted. I don't want Ellie to be the only girl I'm working with on this fanfic.**

**ETT: You could just make another OC.**

**Me: I don't need to make more OCs. I have them to do it. Something else I wanted to note. It's possible that submitted characters may make cameos and/or minor appearance during the story, but they won't have any major roles until the Fourth grade chapter. Now for an april fools chapter, cause I want to make an original chapter today. Also, it's not focused on the OCs this time, because that allows me to write more.**

...

The Boys sat down at their table after grabbing their lunches. Stan was about to start eating his lunch.

"Hey, Stan!" Stan immediately puked on his lunch, after hearing Wendy's voice. He looked in the direction he hear from, but Wendy was not there. "Huh. That's weird. I thought I heard Wendy from over there." I just said that! What's the point in narrating if no one listens!

"That's impossible. She didn't even come to school today. She's sick, remember." Kyle reminded. Kenny said something about that was blatantly foreshadowing. "There's no way anyone could have done that. He probably just misses her." Kyle replied. Kenny made a joke that I'm too lazy to translate. Kyle and Cartman laughed. "I have to take a shit." Cartman announced, as he left the table.

...

Cartman rushed into the bathroom, and hopped onto the first empty seat. This is something he does everyday, and is completely normal. What wasn't normal, was the brown liquid that sprayed him when he landed on the seat.

"WHAT THE F*CK!" Cartman exclaimed. As he rushed out of the stall, his legs were dripping with the brown liquid. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Cartman tasted the liquid on his legs.

"Gravy?" He initially thought his crap exploded while he was taking it. That has happened before. This has not.

Cartman inspected the toilet, and found two empty bottles of gravy beneath the seat. They were full when he walked in.

...

"Ok! Whoever decided to booby trap the toilet, you need to stop!" Cartman yelled. "Whoever you are, you're taking things too far!" He is very pissed off right now. "You can't prank someone on the toilet! That's wrong!" This is one of few lines Cartman is unwilling to cross.

"Relax, Cartman. It was just a joke." Kyle said. "It was you wasn't it!" Cartman accused Kyle. "What? No!" Kyle denied responsibility. "I can't trust you, you're a lying Jew!" Cartman yelled. "You never saw me go to the bathroom today!" Kyle responded. "Then how do I know you did?" Cartman asked. "You don't, because I didn't. You were with me the whole day." Kyle answered.

Cartman realized Kyle wasn't the one that pranked him. "Guys, I think someone is targeting us with these pranks." Cartman warned. "I'll bet that the same person that pranked you made me puke all over my lunch." Stan added.

"Oh my god! It was Wendy!" Cartman concluded. "How could it be Wendy? She's been sick all week." Kyle noted. "A perfect coverup to allow her to prank us." Cartman replied. "I don't know. Wendy isn't kind of person that would miss school just for a prank." Stan didn't believe it was Wendy. "There's only one way to prove it: We go to Wendy's house!" Cartman declared.

...

The boys snuck out of school, skipping a class to investigate Wendy's house. "If she's not in her bed, we know she's not sick." Carrman said.

Stan climbed onto Kyle's back to look through a window. "She's not in bed, but she definitely looks sick." Stan observed. He could see Wendy on a couch, watching tv.

"Let me see!" Cartman climbed on top of Kenny. Kenny struggled to hold up Cartman as he looked through the window. "She has to be faking it." Cartman insisted. Wendy sneezed. "Naw, she's definetly sick." Stan said.

Wendy got out of bed and slipped on a well placed banana peel. "It's definitely not her." Stan confirmed.

Kenny could no longer carry Cartman on his back, and fell. He was crushed by Cartman's ass. "Oh my god! You're sitting on Kenny!" Cartman got off Kenny before he suffocated him. Kenny asked questions I'm too lazy to translate.

...

The boys were able to sneak back into class undetected. They returned to the bathroom to discuss what they knew. Kenny opened the door. A water bucket fell on his head. The bucket got stuck, and Kenny suffocated to death. "OH MY GOD! THEY PRANKED KENNY!" Stan exclaimed. "YOU BASTARDS!" Kyle yelled.

"We need to find this person fast!" Cartman declared. "Yeah. It's not just about the pranks anymore. They could hurt someone!" Kyle added. "Who knows who they're going after next." Stan said. "Obviously Kyle." Cartman answered. "What? Why me?" Kyle asked. "Because you're the only one of us that hasn't been pranked yet." Eric replied. Kyle realized he was right. He was the next person getting pranked. But the question remained: How?

"We need to stop him. We can't let this person keep pranking people. He's going to hurt someone." Stan declared. "But how? This guy knows what we're doing before we even do them." Kyle noted. How do we know that? "So we need to figure out where we'd go next, and how he'd prank you from there." Cartman said.

...

The boys walked into the classroom, hoping Mr. Garrison wouldn't notice them. Fortunately, a student bored him into a half-sleep, half-awake state with a presentation. They were able to sit down without him acknowledging their lateness. "Oh. Right. Uh, you can sit down now." Mr. Garrison woke up shortly after the student finished presenting.

He sat down at his desk, to find himself pricked. "Oh, I see some pulled the old thumbtack prank." Mr. Garrison simply swatted the tack away. However, he found his hand had become stuck to the chair. "Uh, ok, this is a new one." Mr. Garrison couldn't remove his hand. It was glued to the chair.

The bell rung, ending school. "Wait, can one of you help me get my hand of the chair?" Mr. Garrison asked. It was too late, however. Class rushed out of the classroom. "Well, my hand is in one sticky situation." Mr. Garrison joked. This is probably not the first time.

...

"I can't believe I wasn't pranked." Kyle noted. Suddenly, Cartman tripped on something, and fell face first into a pie. "Whoa! Cartman just took a pie for you." Stan exclaimed.

Kyle walked over to tripwire placed strategically, so whoever tripped would fall onto the pie. "Who's doing this?" Kyle asked. Cartman eat from the pie, while still on the floor. Cartman said something about their cooking. "I guess we'll never know." Stan replied.

As they walked out, they saw Pip being assaulted by several students, because of a kick-me sign planted on his back. "Wait a minute! I think I know who it is!" Kyle said.

Jack walked up to Kyle. "Your shoe laces are untied." He said. "No they're not." Kyle was not going to fall for the oldest prank known to man. He walked one step forward and tripped. His shoelaces were tied. Tied together. "What the?" Kyle was confused as to what happened. I guess he FELL for that prank.

"Haha! I am the prank master! Kneel, bitches!" Ellie declared.

_..._

_Ellie used a recording of Wendy saying "Hi Stan" during lunch to make him puke._

_She had Jack clear the bathrooms. Once they were empty, he placed the two gravy bottles under the seat and hid in the second stall. __Jack placed the bucket on the bathroom stalls after Cartman left._

_Ellie went to Wendy's house to prank her with the banana, while they investigated. Jack watched from outside to tell her when Stan and Cartman were watching, to make sure they saw._

_Jack was the one that bored Mr. Garrison with the presentation, so Ellie could place the glue and tack on the seat._

_The tripwire was set up by Jack, as a decoy prank to make them think it was the final prank._

_Lastly, while Jack told Kyle that his shoe laces were untied, Ellie was tying them together._

_..._

"Why the hell would you do all that?!" Cartman asked. "She's bored." Jack answered. "No one was doing anything for april fools day, so I pranked everyone in the entire school!" Ellie exclaimed. Someone needs to find her something to do when she's bored. "Everyone?" Stan asked. "The teachers. The staff. Even the children." Ellie said.

"But there's one person you didn't prank." Kyle realized. "Who?" Ellie asked. "Yourselves."


	23. Some little girl is going to be on TV

**Me: I'm working South Park again. It's been a while. I've been working on some new projects.**

**ETC: Meanwhile, I've been planning.**

**Me: Planning what?**

**ETC: Planning.**

**Me: Kaaaayy.**

**Barnaby Jones: Anonymous Fanz does not own South Park, or Barnaby Jones. He only own The Henderson Family.**

**Me: Thank you, Barnaby Jones.**

**Barnaby Jones: All in a days work.**

**ETC: Roll credits.**

...

"Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again." "All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much." An episode of Barnaby Jones ended.

"Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, 'This is not a victimless crime'?" Because Mr. Garrison forces his children to watch this stuff. "Anyone?" No one answered. They didn't care.

"Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention." Kyle noted. "Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?!" Mr. Garrison ranted.

"It'll probably get us further than you." Jack noted. "Shut up, Jack, no one care what you have to say!" Mr. Garrison dismissed Jack's retort.

"Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?" Stan asked. "Oh, and what do you consider normal?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff." Stan answered. The class cheered "Yeah!" in support of the plan.

"Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!" Mr. Garrison informed. The class "Hooray!" in light of the news. "To where?" Kyle asked. "To the planetarium." The class whined "AAAAWWWWW!" to show their disapproval.

"Planetariums suck!" Cartman yelled. "Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?" Mr. Garrison asked. "It's boring." Stan answered. "Yeah, all the constellations look alike." Kyle agreed.

"Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! " Mr. Garrison was not giving the class a choice. "Wait, but you can't force us to go on a field trip if we don't want to." Jack noted. "Well, anyone that doesn't come is going to get triple homework for a month." Mr. Garrison replied. And there goes the only loophole that could have been used to get out of it.

...

"Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road." Mr. Garrison said, as the class boarded the bus. That won't be possible. There is no nice bus driver. "THAT AIN'T HOW YOY DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!" Ms. Crabtree's yelling got the class seated. "Ow! Jesus, lady!" Teacher included.

When the bus stopped, Jack was propelled out of his seat. "Holy crap!" Ellie laughed at this. "THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSELF!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "I'm already in pain." Jack groaned.

"Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves. " Mr. Garrison reminded, after the class got off the bus.

"Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?" An annoucer asked. "Hey, there it is!" Cartman spotted the rocket shapped van the annoucement was coming from. "We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody." The announcer continued.

"I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behund my back!" Cartman bragged. "I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song before you can get your hands tied behind you back!" Ellie bragged. Getting Cartman's hands tied behind his back would be the only hard part.

"Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium." Mr. Garrison instructed. "But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!" Cartman whined. "No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!" Mr. Garrison ordered. "But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!" Cartman continued his whining with no effect.

As he left, Ellie stayed behind. Jack noticed this and turned back. "What are you doing?" Jack asked. "I'm going to sing the commercial so I can be on TV." Ellie answered. "Mr. Garrison said we have to go to the planetarium." Jack noted. "No, he told Cartman to go to the planetarium. He never addressed me." Ellie replied. This was all fact. Mr. Garrison failed to notice Ellie.

"Alright, if you get lost, you're finding your going home alone." Jack warned. "Okay." Ellie had no problem with this. "I'm not helping you if you get triple homework." Jack added. "Don't care!" Ellie replied. Jack walked away.

...

"Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane_arium." Dr. Adams introduced himself. "I thought it was "planeh-tarium." Kyle noted. "Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the "t" in plane_arium." Dr. Adams explained. "That's a weird and ironic bone disease." Jack lampshaded. "Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant." Dr. Adams replied.

Cartman raised his hand. "Yes, little boy?" Dr. Adams asked. "How long is that Chessy Poofs van gonna be outside?" Cartman asked. "Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane_arium works." Dr. Adams lead the class. "As if we care." Cartman replied.

A girl walked up to the group. "Hey, who are you?" Kyle asked. "Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us." Dr. Adams explained. "I love my work." Missy said creepily. "Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?" Stan asked. "I love my work." Missy repeated. There is something wrong with that girl. Look at her eyes. Those are the eyes of a crazy person! Or a brain washed person. Or a brainwashed crazy person!

"Come on. Let's get into the plane_arium, shall we?" Dr. Adams hurried the group.

...

"I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs. If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame." Ellie's singing isn't terrible, but it's not nearly as good as she thinks. "Great work, Ellie Henderson. Would anyone else want to try?" The announcer asked.

"Yeah, me!" Cartman arrived. "Oh, and what's your name, little boy?" The announcer asked. "His name is [REDACTED]!" Ellie exclaimed. "Hmm, I'm sorry, we can't enter you because your name has profanity in it." The announcer explained. what! That unfair to all the [REDACTED]'s in the world!

"What?! No, she's lying!" Cartman tried to explain. "It's not my fault your mom gave you that name." Ellie said. "Fuck you!" Cartman yelled. Ellie stuck her tongue at Cartman. "It looks like winner is Ellie Henderson!"

...

"Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Oh, man, I don't feel so good." Kyle said. "Me neither." Stan replied. "but... I loved the planetarium." He added. "Me too. It was sweet." Kyle said.

"Really? What did you like best about it?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I don't know. I don't even remember what happened." Stan answered. Weird. "I slept through the whole thing." Jack noted.

"Wait a minute!" Mr. Garrison stopped for a momment. "You ignored the entire show?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Like you watched any of it." Jack replied. True.

"Mr. Garrison! Ellie went and did the commercial instead of going to the planetarium!" Cartman snitched. When the [REDACTED] did he get back? "Well, she's getting triple homework, then." Mr. Garrison answered. "But Cartman left too!" Ellie whined. "I don't care." Mr. Garrison replied. Cartman stuck his tongue at Ellie. Yeah, what goes around comes back around.

...

Later, around midnight, Leo was awoken by the sounds of knocking on the door to the safety bunker. As he went to answer it, he found that Jack was banging his head on the door. "Jack, what are you doing?" Leo asked. Jack did not answer, and continued banging his head. Leo pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "I'm going to have to take you somewhere." Leo said.

...

"I'm back!" Ellie announced, as she walked into class late. "Ellie, where have you been?" Mr. Garrison asked. "Winning!" Ellie replied. She pulled out a certificate. "I am now the winner of a regional championship, so you can all suck it!" Ellie annouced. Kenny made a response. "Kenny, I will hit you so hard, Jack will get jealous!" Ellie yelled. So she knows Kenny dies right now. Or she thinks Jack is gay for some reason.

"Ellie, you dumb bitch! That was my certificate! You stole it from me!" Cartman ranted in haiku form. "Hey, that's pretty good!" Stan added. "I can do that too! Whatever it is you did. I'm gonna find out!" Ellie declared in haiku. I don't think she knows what she did.

...

Leo took Jack to a psychologist. To keep him from hurting himself, he handcuffed his arms and held em behind his back. This is the closest Leo has gotten to arresting someone in about a while.

"Hmm, I don't know what the exact problem is." Dr. Andrea Wilson explained, after analyzing Jack for several minutes. "What do you mean?" Leo asked. "He seems to be simultaneously trying to force himself to do something and forcing himself to not do that same thing." Dr. Wilson explained.

"How do you know?" Leo asked. "The unresponsiveness. He doesn't react to anything, including his own pain." Dr. Wilson answered.

"I would appreciate if you left him here so I may study his condition further." Dr. Wilson added. "Sure, if it helps him." Leo said, as he left.

...

"Daddy, I'm going to a tournament to decide who gets to sing the Cheesy Poofs song in the commercial!" Ellie announced. "That's great. Since Jack's at the pyschologist, I can take you there." Leo was happy to take an opportunity to spend time with hsi daughter.

"Wait, why is Jack at the pyschologist?" Ellie asked. Because he's not The Only Sane Man yet. "We don't know yet, but you don't need to worry about it. He'll be fine." Leo reassured. "Okay. I'm gonna be on television!" Ellie immediately forgot this conversation happened.

"I can help you practice if you want." Leo offered. "Yeah, then everyone else can be destroyed twice as badly!" Ellie exclaimed.

...

Dr. Wilson began shining a light in Jack's eyes. She noticed that his eyes seemed to be normal, though they showed no evidence of being controlled by Jack. They remained motionless. "Odd. Perhaps I should try something outside my usual playing field." Dr. Wilson pulled out some advanced equipment, made for something other than Psychology.

...

Some kid sang Bingo. How did he make it to the finals? His singing sounds average at best. "Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon." One judge said. I don't think they'll be telling him he won. "Next will be, uuh, Elizabeth Felicity Henderson." The judge read her name off a list.

We would include Ellie singing, but there is a high chance someone is going to get butt hurt and report us. "Well, Elizabeth Henderson, that was...interesting." The Judge said. If you could hear the song, you'd understand. "We'll let you know." The judge said. That could mean anything.

"Yes! After I get that commercial, I'll be one step closer to being world famous!" Ellie exclaimed, sounding like an evil villain that just captured a hero. Leo answered his phone, and suddenly left.

...

"You told me I needed to come immediately." Leo said, as he hurried into Dr. Wilson's office. "Jack is in sort of a hypnotic state. At least a screwed up attempt at one." Dr. Wilson explained. That's accurate.

"How'd you find that out?" Leo asked. "I used some of my equipment to do a neurological scan. I am also a neurologist." Dr. Wilson explained. "I was able to look at his brainwave activity, and noticed changes from normal behavior suggesting some form of subconscious activity is controlling him." Dr. Wilson explained, as she pulled down a chart.

"My best guess is that either someone tried to hypnotize him to do something that someone else hypnotized him to not do, or he's resisting the hypnotic effects, and the head banging helps him." Dr. Wilson concluded. Jack must have incredible will power if he's resisting the planetarium's control.

"I have no idea how he could have gotten hypnotized in the first place." Leo said. He probably doesn't even know the planetarium trip happened. Even though he signed for both of his kids to go on it. "Well, if you can find out, you can make them snap him out of it." Dr. Wilson explained.

"I can't help further since it's a hypnotic trance. Only the person that put him in it knows how to get him out." Dr. Wilson replied. Jack started banging his head on a table. "In the meanwhile, keep him away from anything he can hurt himself with." Dr. Wilson noted.

...

"Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize." The judge announced. He seems to be the only judge with a voice actor.

"And it appears that finalist is Elizabeth Henderson." The judge finished his announcement. "Yes! I won! I won!" Ellie exclaimed. "You were our only choice. Uh, the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium." The judge noted. "That's odd." Oh wait, that other judge has a voice.

"This marks the beginning of a new era!" Ellie declared, using her evil voice. Ellie noticed Leo was no longer with her.

...

Leo left Jack at the South Park Mental House. Last time I saw that place, people thought Kyle was a fecaphilliac.

"How the hell did Jack get hypnotized." Leo asked. Without any mention of the planetarium, Leo is never going to find out. "It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban." The news seems to be acting as plot convenience today. Leo began making the connection.

"Dad, what the fuck!" Ellie yelled, as she stormed into the bunker. "What?" Leo asked, comfused. "You left before I won the finals!" Ellie yelled. "Oh, I'm sorry. The pyschologist just found out how to help Jack." Leo explained.

"Your going to watch me do the commercial, right?" Ellie asked. "I'm sorry, but I need to go to the planetarium. I think that's where it started." Leo answered, as he left. Ellie climbed onto the couch, and started crying.

...

Leo walked into the planetarium among a crowd of people. He snuck out of the group as they entered, and started listening to what was going on inside the room where Dr. Adam's controlled the entire light show. "Son of a bitch." Leo said. "You are supposed to be enjoying the show." A hypnotized planetarium worker showed up behind Leo.

"I know what's going on here!" Leo warned, as he grabbed his gun. "You are not supposed to wander off on your own." The mindless worker reminded. "I'm a cop! I went in undercover. If I don't leave, then someone else is going to shut you down more violently!" Leonard bluffed. He pulled out his badge, but the mindless don't care about a cop with a badge and a gun.

"Then you're going to tell them everything is fine." Dr. Adams said, as he entered the room.

...

"Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?" The director of the commercial asked. "Ready to do my part." Ellie replied. She's feeling very sad right now. "Okay, roll camera, aaand action." The director said. "I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs. If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame." Ellie's singing was never good, but without her usual upbeat attitude, it's pretty worthless.

"Uhh, I don't like that take. Could we do it again with more feeling." The director asked. "And someone fix that lighting?" The director ordered. "Sure thing." A stagehand altered the lighting. "Got it." The lighting was on. "Okay. Here we go, aaand action." The Director restarted.

...

"You guys are watching my commercial right?" Ellie asked, as she ran into the boys, except for Kenny, who died under mysterious circumstances. "No. We have to stop the planetarium. They're mind controling the whole town!" Stan answered.

"Oh come on! Why does everyone suddenly give a crap about the planetarium?" Ellie asked. "Because they're forcing them too. They're turning people into mindless slaves!" Kyle explained.

"At least they won't see you on tv while they're mind controled." Cartman added. Ellie snapped. "No one is missing it!" Ellie declared. She ran in the direction of the planetarium.

...

Ellie charged through the doors to the planetarium. "Welcome to the—Arggh!" Ellie punch a mind controled child in the face. Ellie knocked over the machine used to control minds, breaking it. "Fuck you, planetarium!" Ellie shouted.

Ellie was suddenly lifted from the ground by Dr. Adams. "I don't know how you discovered my plan, but you're going to regret trying to stop it." Dr. Adams threatened. A brainwashed Leo pointed his gun at Ellie. "Daddy, no!" Ellie begged. Leo fired.

Dr. Adams dropped Ellie, and fell to the ground. Leo shot him between the eyes. "Oh fuck, I killed another unarmed civilian!" Leo yelled. Don't worry, Leo. In the future, you'll be able to shoot any unarmed civilians without long term consequences. As long as they aren't white, anyway. "Daddy!" Ellie hugged her father.

...

_Shortly later, Mr. Mackey arrived to help the mind controlled victims. He fortunately learned of Dr. Adam's crimes through some kid that followed the class on the bus from the planetarium. Except Jack, who remained in a mind damaged state for unknown reasons, though it is suspected Kenny killed himself because he had the same problem. The Boys know this to be false, but refused to reveal the truth as it would incriminate them. Leo was offered a new job as South Park's detective, which he accepted. Everyone watched Ellie's commercial, though she ended getting angry because they had someone else dub over her voice. Dr. Wilson continues to study Jack, hoping to find out what happened to his brain._

...

**Me: I really like writing this chapter. I got to explore Ellie's personality more. And I got to write about Leo, which I don't do much.**

**ETC: But wait, there's more!**

...

Jacob entered Dr. Wilson's room. "What did he do?" He asked. Jacob used a time manipulation ability on Jack. "What the fuck?" Jack asked. He looked around. "Your mind was damaged by sleeping through a hypnotizism attempt. You were in a state similar to the original timelines Dr. Adams." Jacob explained.

"Your with that time traveling asshole I met on christmas?" Jack asked. "That was a different me. But right now, I need to know what happened when you were mind controled by Dr. Adams." Jacob explained. "I don't remember, I slept though most of it." Jack replied. "You felt tired?" Jacob asked. "I haven't been able to sleep properly since my house got fucked up again." Jack explained.

"Fucked up? When?" Jacob asked, confused. "When the fucking mecha godzilla struck." Jack answered. "That must be when he started changing things." Jacob muttered. "Who are you talking about?" Jack asked. "Not your concern." Jacob replied, as he returned Jack to his mind damaged state.


	24. Jack is not here

**Me: I'm currently revising the older chapters. Not very significant, business t it's the main reason why I'm making new chapters slower than usual.**

**ETT: In other news, the reader caught a glimpse of what I've done to the fanfic. Whether or not they realize what it is remains to be seen.**

**Me: This is an original chapter set during Clubhouses and Cow Days.**

**...**

Leonard's new job had a lot more spare time than his old one. Rather than patroling the streets for crimes, he investigates anything Officer Barbrady finds suspicious. His job is more answering questions the Police Dispatch can't than investigating. But Leonard gets more spare time than when he was the one patrolling, so he doesn't have much to complain about.

Leo spent a lot of his spare time at home, watching Fat Abbot. Ellie ran through the door into the bunker. "Daddy, can I have a clubhouse?" Ellie asked. "I think I can build one with the broken wood from the house." Leonard answered. There was a lot of broken wood above them. Mixed with shattered bricks, and other remnants of the house.

...

Leo overestimated the amount of salvageable wood. But this was easily solved by a trip to Home Depot. The clubhouse was build six hours after Ellie requested it. "It looks so cool!" Ellie ran into the the clubhouse the moment she saw it completed.

"I didn't put any furniture inside. Jack probably would have complained about it." Leonard noted. Ellie froze, and looked to the ground. "I know you miss Jack, but he's going to be fine." Leo assured. Ellie didn't respond. "How about I get you some ice cream or something?" Leonard asked. Ellie ran to her father.

...

Leo bought Ellie ice cream, but after she finished eating it, she returned to a depressed state.

Leonard decided to check on Jack later that day. "How's Jack doing?" Leo asked. "Well, I've learned much." Dr. Wilson answered. She activated a slide show on her projector. "Normally, I'd charge millions of dollars just to get me to xray his brain. But because we're friends, I'll make an exception." Dr. Wilson explained.

"Wait a minute, why is this a slide of you modeling a bikini?" Leo asked. Classic slide mixup. Dr. Wilson's face turned red. She quickly cycled through several photos of her vacation to Miami. She couldn't find any of the slides connected to her work. She mixed up the entire slideshow. That's more realistic.

"Normally, I'd bash your head in, so you lose your short term memory. But because we're friends, I'll make an exception." Dr. Wilson paraphrased herself. Leo backed away from the psychologist.

"How's Ellie?" Dr. Wilson asked. "She's not used to Jack not being around. She misses him." Leonard answered. "As long as she isn't focused on Jack being gone, she'll be fine." Dr. Wilson reassured.

"You should try to spend more time with her." Dr. Wilson suggested. "I've tried, but she keeps remembering that Jack isn't with us." Leonard responded. "Just keep her distracted for a few weeks." Dr. Wilson replied. "Take her to the Cow Days festival. Make sure she doesn't get bored." Dr. Wilson answered. Making sure she never gets bored is a priority.

...

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!" The Mayor started an announcement. "As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cows." The crowd started cheering._ "Noble, gentle cows that trample Kenny on a regular basis."_ Ellie heard the voice of Jack in her head.

"And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!" The Mayor introduced Jimbo, as he walked up to the mic. "This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!" Jimbo announced. _"It's special because they made a statue?" _Jack's voice asked. "Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the curtain!" The curtain covering the statue was removed. When the clock struck 1 PM, the statue moo'd.

"This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!" A tourist shouted. "Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it." Her husband reminded. "Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive." Mary responded. "Trust me, this is one of the better days." Leonard assured.

"Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!" The Mayor shouted.

..

"SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS!" Kyle declared. "Um, what are you doing?" A carnival operator was confused. "I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!" Kyle explained. "Shenanigans?" The operator was still confused.

"What's the problem?" Leonard decided to respond to Kyle's problem. "I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator." Kyle answered. "Shenanigans? Why?" Leonard asked. "This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!" Kyle answered. "Are you sure about that?" Leonard asked.

Leo had an idea. "Hey, Ellie. You want to throw a ball in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth?" Leonard asked. Ellie walked over. The operator handed Ellie a ball. She threw the ball into the mouth on her first try. "Good job, kid." The operator praised. "I guess you just suck." Leonard said to Kyle. The game was rigged. Ellie got a ball smaller than Kyle's. It also may or may not have been magnetic.

"You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick." The operator picked up two prizes. "Uh, toothpick." Ellie selected. Ellie placed it in her mouth, increasing her intimidation stats by 5.

"Wait, what about to the Terrance and Phillip dolls?" Stan asked. "I don't want those." Ellie replied. She was more interested how cool she looked with a toothpick sticking out of her mouth. "You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade them in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls." The operator explained.

"Come on, Kyle, just win that first tooth pick." Cartman rushed. "Actually, your friend used your last ball." The operator is trolling them! "AAARGHH!" Kyle loadly grunted.


	25. Jury Duty

**Me: This Chapter is going to introduce some new characters.**

**ETC: Why?**

**Me: Because I want to introduce new characters. Also, I didn't have many ideas for Chef Aid.**

**Chef: South Park was created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Anonymous Fanz created all OCs seen in this chapter, and some of the plot.**

**...**

"Daddy! Look what I found!" Ellie exclaimed. Leonard walked into the clubhouse he built. "Huh." Leo replied. Ellie found a white kitten with black spots of fur near it's paws and eyes. "Can I keep it?!" Ellie asked. "Only if you take responsibility for it." Leonard answered. "Yay!" Ellie lifted the kitten. It tried to claw Ellie's eyes, but it's legs were to short.

A mail man walked over to the door and banged on the door to the demolished house. Joel opened the door. "TAKE YOUR [REDACTED]ING MAIL, I'M OUTTA HERE!" The mailman threw a package on top of Joel and left. "YOU [REDACTED]HOLE!" Joel shouted, while the package was crushing him.

Leonard grabbed a letter tied to the box. "Don't be jury duty." Leonard beggedd. He opened the letter. "FUCK! SHIT! DAMN!"

...

"This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?" The Judge started Chef's trial for allegedly copying a hit song, after claiming to have created it first. "I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski." Kyle's convinced his father to help Chef.

"And representing the prosecution?" The Judge asked. "I am, Your Honor. Johnnie Cochran." The Prosecutor identified himself. Every court attendent in the room gasped. Johnnie Cochran recently won the O.J. Simpson trial using the infamous Chewbacca defense. "This won't end well." Leonard noted.

...

Joel took Ellie to Dr. Wilson's office. Ellie held onto her new kitten, who struggled to escape her arms.

"Why would you bring her?" A perfectly healthy Jack asked. "Jack!" Ellie dropped the kitten to hug her brother. Good thing cats always land on their feet. "Get off of me!" Jack yelled, unhappy to see her.

"It wasn't easy, but I put him back together." Dr. Wilson explained. "So he's back to normal?" Joel asked. "Back to his normal." Dr. Wilson replied. How would she know what that is?

...

"And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you." After 15 days, the trial is coming to the closing arguments. Gerald's being the one Chef started this with.

"Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one, final, thing I want you to consider." Here comes the Chewbacca defense. "Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense."

"Actually, Chewbacca doesn't live on Endor. He lives on a space ship." Jack corrected. Oh shit! He countered the Chebacca defense! "My closing argument was countered by a child speaking out of turn." He's still going? "A random person in the audience completely countered my defense." Are you serious? He's still going. "By speaking out of turn, he has destroyed the arguement that the everyone was expecting to win." Really? "That is not how the system is supposed to work." Oh, come on! "That does not make sense." He still used the Chewbacca defense!

...

"Thank you for coming, Officer Henderson." Mr. Garrison welcomed Leonard into his home. Leo arrived to solve an attempt on Mr. Twig's life. "It's detective now." Leonard corrected. Mr. Garrison opened an envolope.

"These pictures just arrived. I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed." Mr. Garrison explained. "Now, go arrest him!" Mr. Garrison ordered. Leonard looked at the photos, then stared blankly at Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison looked at the photos. "What?" They were photos of himself.

"You know I can arrest people for reporting false crimes." Leonard reminded. Garrison could plead insanity, but he wouldn't. "No! I don't know how this happened." Mr. Garrison defended. Sadly, he doesn't achieve mental clarity until several seasons from now. "I know a good psychologist if you need one." Leo dropped one of Dr. Wilson's business cards on a table and left.

...

Jack stared at the kitten. "Does it have a name?" Jack asked. "No." Ellie answered. She didn't name it? What the hell? "I'm trying to train it to do tricks, but it won't listen." Ellie explained. She doesn't even know what gender it is? "Probably because it's not a dog." Jack replied. Dogs are more susceptible to human will. "It doesn't listen to anything I say!" Ellie whined. Probably because she never gave it a name. "So it's a maverick." Jack said. "That's a good name!" Ellie exclaimed. No, it's not.

"Maverick! Look!" The kitten stared blankly at Jack. "I don't think it likes you." Jack noted. The kitten jumped into the box containing the package that was tossed on Joel. "Hey! Come back!" Ellie tried to pulled the Kitten out of the box, but it refused to leave.

...


	26. Jack of two worlds

**Me: Spookyfish! I have been waiting to do this chapter for a while.**

**ETT: Yes. I too have plans for this chapter.**

**Me: What?**

**ETT: You'll find out soon enough.**

**Evil Cartman: Anonymous Fanz does not own South Park, or it's characters. He only created the Hendersons, and other OCs seen in this story.**

**Evil Time Traveler: Why is he called "evil"? He's not evil.**

**"Evil" Cartman: I believe it's meant to be an ironic title, because of my universe of origin.**

**Evil Time Traveler: You need to die in a fire.**

**...**

Ellie woke everyone in the bunker with screaming. "What is it?" Leo asked. "It's a rat!" Ellie pointed to Maverick, who was eating with a dead mouse.

"It's just trying to show off." Leonard replied. "How?" Ellie asked. "Cats kill stuff and bring them to their owners to show off their hunting skills." Leonard explained. "Like Stan's uncle?" Ellie asked. "Yeah. Like that." Leo answered. But with different methods and reasons.

Lightning struck, scaring Maverick. The Kitten ran under Ellie's bed. "Haha! Scaredy cat!" Ellie teased. A mouse ran by. "Oh crap!" Ellie jumped onto her bed. Scaredy cat

Someone knocked on the bunker door. Joel opened it. "Hello, sir." A bearded Cartman look-a-like was at the door. "What do you want?" Joel asked. "Well, I thought I'd give you some provisions, to help you with this storm." Cartman's bearded doppelgänger answered. "Do we look poor to you?!" Joel yelled. The doppelgänger was about to answer. "DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION!" Joel snapped.

"If you'd like, I can help fix your house." The doppelgänger offered. The house is beyond repair. It needs a replacement. "Sure. Whatever. [REDACTED] off." Joel slammed the door.

...

Leonard rang the Marsh Residence doorbell. Stan's mother answered the door. "Oh. Uh-Officer Henderson, Wh—what—what a surprise. w-what can I do for you?" Sharon Marsh stammered. "Detective!" Leonard corrected.

"And you can relax. I'm just looking for some people." Leo explained. He showed her five pictures. "I'd never seen any of those men, Detective Henderson." Sharon answered. Why would she?

"Well, I'm just going to look at your backyard." Leo replied. Wait a minute! That's unwarranted! "Why would you wanna do that?" Sharon asked. "Sometimes missing people turn up passed out in bushes. Usually from achohol or drug use." Leonard answered. Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad, McKay.

Leonard walked into the backyard. There were five graves. "Hmm. Five graves. Five missing people." Leo began piecing together the information. Sharon hit Leonard with his a shovel, knocking him out.

...

"Oh my god." Ellie said. "Jack?" Ellie asked. "Someone came as Cartman's dad." Ellie pointed to Cartman's bearded doppelgänger. "I don't think that's a costume." Jack noted. "Holy crap! It's Cartman's dad!" Ellie exclai,ed.

"Why would his dad look like a child?" Jack asked. "Why would a child have a beard?" Ellie replied. "Because today's Halloween." Jack answered. "Oh yeaaahhhhhh." Ellie trailed off.

...

Leo woke up in the Marsh's basement, with his hands tied to two posts, and his pants and shoes removed. "Whoa! At least ask me to dinner first!" Leonard shouted. He thinks that's what happened?

...

When Jack and Ellie returned home, a Jack doppelgänger was waiting for them. "Who are you, and why the fuck are you in my house?" Jack asked. "I am in need of your help." The doppelgänger explained. "That was not an answer to either of my questions." Jack noted.

"I am you, from a parallel universe." The Jack's double answered. "Why do you have a goatee?" Jack asked. Because he's from the Evil Star Trek parallel universe. "People in my universe grow facial hair earlier than in this one." The doppelgänger explained.

"Wait, so that wasn't Cartman's dad we saw?" Ellie asked. "No. It appears my universe's Cartman followed me here." The doppelgänger replied.

"So, other Jack, what do you want?" Jack asked. "I wish to return to my world. However, I have no memory of where I entered from." Other Jack explained. Why doesn't he remember? "Maybe the other Cartman knows." Ellie suggested. "Of course. If he followed me, he might remember how I got here." Other Jack added.

...

Jack, Ellie, and the other Jack found the Boys and the other Cartman carrying Stan's new pet fish. "Hey, Jack has a evil clone too!" The Cartman clone observed. "The Cartman of my word. I was hoping to speak with you." The other Jack said. "He wants to know if you remember how you got stuck in our universe." Jack explained. There goes that conversation. "No, but I was going to help Stan return his pet fish to The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store. It might be from our universe." Evil Cartman explained.

...

"Hey, why is the basement door locked?" Randy attempted to get into the basement. Apparently shaking the knob can unlock it, because that's what he's trying to do.

"Randy?! Get me out of here!" Leo shouted. "Leo? Why the hell are you locked in my basement?" Randy asked. "Your wife locked me in here, and may have done things to my genitals." That pretty much sums it up.

...

The Boys and Ellie enter the pet store. "Can I help you boys?" The pet store clerk asked. "I wanna return a fish.' Stan replied.

"DAMN IT!" The clerk slammed his fists against the store counter. "What?" Kyle asked. "That's the ninth return I've had this week! What's wrong with it?" The stoe clerk ranted. Before anyone could answer that question, "Ap! Let me guess. It killed a bunch of people, right?" How does a fish kill people? Only Kenny could be that unlucky. "Yeah, dude." Stan answered.

"DAMN IT!" The clerk slammed the store counter with only his right hand. "Just like all the other returns!" That's a lot of red eyed animals. The fuck is going on here. "Hmm. I belive the animals are being transformed by near proximity to a cosmic rift." The other Jack observed. Thanks for the explanation. "So it used to be a regular fish, until it got to this store, where it became a super-fish!" Ellie exclaimed. "Sounds like a DC comicbook backstory." Jack noted.

"The portal must be nearby!" The other Jack exclaimed. Randomly. "Portal? I think I know what your talking about." The store clerk replied. He opened the door to the employee only room, where a giant portal to another world was. "I've been wondering what the hell this was." He noted. He never tried to walk through? "Finally, I can leave this world!" Other Jack exclaimed.

Before the other Jack could escape, time froze. Jacob entered the room. He pulled out a laser gun. It fired a beam that disintigrated the other Jack. "The not-Jack is dead. That should clear up the future." Jacob noted. "Apparently not." His AI replied. It showed him the same future as before. "What? Why?" Jacob asked.

Jacob was impaled by the clawed gauntlet. "Because you killed the wrong Jack." Jack said. "What?" Jacob was confused. "You missed something important. You can look back to find out what while you bleed out." Jack answered. Jack removed the guantlet from Jacob's back, and walked through the portal other world.

...

**Me: What the hell did you do?!**

**ETC: Make things better.**


	27. Return to Nebraska

**Me: I don't even know what's going on anymore. With this story I mean. Trump had an almost fifty percent chance of getting elected. I'm more surprised by Mr. Garrison going for a full Trump makeover. Which feels like it shouldn't be surprising.**

**ETT: Everything that has transpired has done so in accordance to my design.**

**Me: Yeah... Anyway, I also have three characters now. I might accept more, but I probably won't take any after I get to season 4.**

**...**

"Welcome back!" Miles announced, as Leo parked in Rachel's driveway. They returned for another Christmas. "Good to see you to Miles." Leonard replied. "Rachel left. She'll be back soon." Miles explained. Wait, why are we here? What happened to Jack and the time traveler?

"You got any beers?" Joel asked. "You're not supposed to be drinking, dad." Leo reminded. "I can do whatever the fuck I want." Joel countered. He's triggered.

"What happened to Jack?" Miles asked. "No idea. He just disappeared." Leo explained. No one knows what happened to Jack or the time traveler? What the hell? "You lost another one?" Miles asked. "I don't want to talk about it right now." Leo said.

"Hey, the Cartman's live across the street!" Ellie observed. She was silent the entire car trip. That is a first. "Fuck the Cartman's!" Miles yelled. He's triggered. "Can I go over to their house?" Ellie asked. "Sure, just be back before dark." Leo instructed. Ellie ran across the street.

...

"Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!" Cartman is triggered. Why is everyone triggered today?

Ellie knocked on the Cartman's door. "Oh, hello." Cartman's grandmother opened the door. "Hi, I'm one of Eric's friends!" Ellie introduced herself. "Why are you here?" Cartman asked. "I'm visiting my aunt across the street." Ellie answered. "Bye, guys!" Ellie left.

...

A police officer knocked on Rachel's door. Miles answered the door. "Oh. Officer Johnson. Here to arest me for another crime I didn't commit?" Miles asked. "This isn't about you. I'm here for your brother." Johnson explained. "LEO!" Joel shouted.

Leonard walked over. "How can I help you?" Leonard asked. "A kid from your home town ran away from home. Stanley Marsh. We need your help finding him." Johnson explained. "Sorry, I'm off-duty." Leo replied. "I just need you to help us find the kid." Johnson explained. "Well, I know one of his known associates." Leonard replied.

"Ellie!" Leo shouted. Ellie walked over. She's bored and doesn't have Jack to torture. "You know Stan Marsh? This guy needs you to help find him." Leo explained.

...

Ellie returned to the Cartman's house. "Stan came here with Cartman." Ellie explained. "Cartman? Last night, Howard Cartman broke out of prison. Might be a chance to score an arrest." Johnson noted. Johnson knocked on the Cartman's door. It was responded with yelling from inside for a minute before Liane Cartman answered the door.

"Hello? Can I help you officer?" Liane asked. "I'm looking for Stan Marsh. I heard he was here recently." Johnson explained. "Oh yes. I'm not sure where they've gone." Liane responded. What an irresponsible parent. Their hanging out with two escaped convicts.

"Do you know where they might be?" Johnson asked. "I believe that Eric wanted to go to the Mall to see Mr. Hankey." Liane answered. "Thank you for your time." Johnson said. "Are you leaving so soon?" Liane asked. "I might have to come back. Your son might return." Johnson replied. Is he trying to get laid? "Ewww!" Ellie realized what he's doing.

...

When Johnson and Ellie reach the Mall, children were rioting as if an apocalypse had just started. "What happened?" Johnson asked. "Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again." Another officer explained. Officers started using tear gas to pacify the children.

"Look! I see Cartman!" Ellie pointed at him. Johnson saw someone else. "Look! It's Charlie Manson! Get him!" Johnson ordered. The other officers shifted focus from rioting children to Charlie Manson. Manson got into a stolen van with the Boys.

...

After a dramatic chase involving a fudgecicle, the police stopped outside the Cartman's home. "All right, Manson, we know you're in there! Come out peacefully, and we'll shoot you!" The police chief Stevens shouted. "You mean won't shoot." Johnson reminded.

"This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house." And now the media is covering this. "We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical." No shit. "so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer."

"What's going on here?!" And now Stan's mom is here too. "We've got a critical situation, ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage." Chief Stevens explained. "Is this the Cartman residence?" Sharon asked. "Yes, it is." Johnson answered. "Give me that!" She just grabbed a megaphone out of a police officers hands! She could get shot for that.

"Stanley! This is your mother!" Sharon yelled into the megaphone. "Uhoh." Stan responded. Which is PG for "[REDACTED].". "Young man, I have had it! You have disobeyed me for the last time!" Sharon is triggered. "What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?!" Sharon asked. "Sorry." Stan replied.

"Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis." Pooner is now explaining what I just explained. "Uh, it appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh is in BIG, big trouble." This newcaster is a master of the obvious. "He apparently disobeyed his parents, left home without telling them, and uh, Tom, hi—his mother is very disappointed with hi—" "HI DAD!" Jesus! Ellie jumped in front of the camera.

...

"All right, Manson, this is it! We're coming in after you! There's gonna be a looot of bloodshed, and a lot of innocent people are gonna die! You've got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!" Chief Stevens warned. "Oh! Can I count!" Ellie asked. "Knock yourself out." Johnson replied.

Kenny walked out with a white flag. "Watch out, he has a white flag!" The police fired multiple rounds into Kenny. "Oh my god! You killed Kenny!" Ellie exclaimed. "You bastards!" Kyle shouted. "They're surendering!" Chief Stevens realized. "All right you, spread 'em!" The police handcuffed Manson, Howard Cartman, and Kenny's corpse.

...

Ellie walked home. Before she could open the door, she was grabbed by an orange coat kid. "Relax." Ellie recognized the voice of Troy Henderson, her brother from another timeline.


End file.
